Bittersweet Moments

When I was 25, and getting ready to walk down the aisle on my wedding day, I had the most bizarre "oh my gosh" moment. I could not process what it was at the time, but years later it all makes sense. I was so happy, and yet so sad because I knew there was a part of my family that was never going to share in this moment with me. A few months later, I graduated from law school, and again I had very mixed feelings that whole day-- a part of me was relieved to have finally completed my studies, but another part of me was so afraid that I would not live up to people's expectations of what I should do with my career. A few years later, right after my 31st birthday, my son was born. That will always be to me the happiest moment of my life, and yet at the same time, I remember being scared-- because I was painfully aware of the fact that what would lie ahead was a ton of responsibility and sacrifice. Motherhood changed me completely, and ever since then life has been full of what I call bittersweet moments.

In the past few months, 8 new people have entered my life: I now have an uncle, aunt, 2 cousins, a father, a step-mother, a step-brother, and a half-brother. These are all new words in my vocabulary, and figuring out the dymanmics is going to take some time for sure, but whenever people ask me how I am handling all of this, I just say it is awesome, and my beaming smile assures them that all is well. But, I truly believe the only reason I am able to process everything so well now is thanks to all the prior years of experiences with bittersweet moments.

To look at old pictures, to hear stories of weddings and family trips is great-- because I want to know my family, and yet because they are such wonderful people there is such a profound sense of loss, particularly with my baby brother. I could look at his pictures all day-- and I could spend weeks asking him a million questions, and it probably would never be enough to make up for all our lost years together. Luckily for everyone, I have always been an optimist. I would rather focus on the future than dwell in the past. And best of all, I love irony, which helps me appreciate the fact that sometimes the greatest sources of life's joys can also be the greatest sources of our pain.