As summer approaches and people put the final touches on their wedding plans before mailing out all those invitations, I always see a spike in requests for prenuptial agreements. Typically, these do not take a lot of time if they are simple and straight forward, which means they should not be very expensive- and what you buy is an incredible peace of mind.
People don't expect to get into a car crash, but they put a seat belt on just in case. Well, the same logic should apply to a prenup-- my new motto is that it is the best way to play it safe in a world where you have a 50/50 shot at together forever.
In a few weeks, I have been invited to comment on t.v. about what happens without a prenup. Many seem to be unaware of the fact that in some states indefinite alimony still exists-- which means it may only end upon death or remarriage of the recepient. Although alimony is only involved in about 20% of all divorces these days, it does still pose a risk for many who dealing with an unexpected split all of the sudden have to try and figure out the amount of support and duration a partner may need until s/he is self-supporting.
As I mentioned on the radio a few weeks ago, prenups can eliminate a lot of anxiety for couples-- because it forces them to discuss up front what they want to define as martial versus non-marital. We can set caps or completely waive alimony. We can even include clauses that provide that in the event of a dispute over any issues when a divorce arises, the parties will first try mediation or a Collaborative Divorce prior to any court filings.
The other day, while I was lecturing about love and divorce, someone asked me if I would ever re-marry. Clearly everyone seems to relish in the fact that I am a divorce lawyer by day, who blogs about love at night, and it is no secret that I am still very much a hopeless romantic. That said, I answered the question with total honesty-- of course I want to re-marry, but NOT without a prenup.
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Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Overcoming Road Blocks in Relationships
Someone asked me the other day how I would define a good boyfriend or girlfriend. To me it is more than just showing up on time, having fun on a date, and doing unexpected little things that might make someone smile that day. A good partner is someone who figures out what your triggers are and then does everything possible to avoid them. For example, if you sense that someone is stressed out about going on vacation, then just postpone it. If someone is freaking out about expenses, let's just fire up the grill and make dinner at home. If someone is telling you that they worried about something, then the other will try do everything possible to reassure that person that it will all be okay.
Obviously, none of us can predict the future, and 100% guarantees do not exist in any relationship. But when you hit a road block, if you can remember what your original goal is (to be a good partner) then you should be able to work through the problem. Remember what your mission is-- to make the other person's life easier and happy. What is your vision? To stay together. What do you value? Time with that other person. Great- now you can reach out and seek to understand what is creating the road block, and if you have two rational human beings that share the same mission, vision, and values, you should be able to work out a compromise.
It is funny how many business concepts can actually apply to other aspects of our lives, like the one I just stated above, but one of the best seminars I ever attended was by Jack Himmelstein, who taught me that understanding is the enemy of conflict. Truly- watch what happens next time you start sensing an argument is about to erupt, and just stop and ask, "why is this so hard?" Some are quick to say that love should not be hard, but when you have two strong-willed individuals with opposite personalities, it is not going to be easy-- that doesn't mean it is impossible. You just need to learn the art of compromise-- assuming you want that love to last.
Obviously, none of us can predict the future, and 100% guarantees do not exist in any relationship. But when you hit a road block, if you can remember what your original goal is (to be a good partner) then you should be able to work through the problem. Remember what your mission is-- to make the other person's life easier and happy. What is your vision? To stay together. What do you value? Time with that other person. Great- now you can reach out and seek to understand what is creating the road block, and if you have two rational human beings that share the same mission, vision, and values, you should be able to work out a compromise.
It is funny how many business concepts can actually apply to other aspects of our lives, like the one I just stated above, but one of the best seminars I ever attended was by Jack Himmelstein, who taught me that understanding is the enemy of conflict. Truly- watch what happens next time you start sensing an argument is about to erupt, and just stop and ask, "why is this so hard?" Some are quick to say that love should not be hard, but when you have two strong-willed individuals with opposite personalities, it is not going to be easy-- that doesn't mean it is impossible. You just need to learn the art of compromise-- assuming you want that love to last.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Dating While On High Alert
I often say that dating should be fun, and when it ceases to be fun, it is probably time to bail. But, sometimes it is not that simple of an analysis, and it may be worthwhile checking in with yourself to make sure there is not some underlying issue that is undermining what could be a quite promising relationship.
As you expose more of your vulnerabilities to the other person, it is natural to feel a bit anxious. Hopefully, the more you open up, the more someone will understand you and the better they will be at avoiding certain triggers. Unfortunatley, there are those that either consciously or unconsciously find our triggers and then hit them-- one right after the other. There are people that will purposely sabotage a relationship; others may not do it intentionally, but nonetheless they act in ways that will cause the relationship to self destruct.
Some of us need peace and quiet in order to process our emotions-- it is okay to take time for yourself to think through your feelings. Feelings are funny-- sometimes they are based on good reasons, other times they may be quite irrational, and that is why you need to go through the exercise of analyzing where the feelings stem from and hopefully you can talk yourself off the cliff, but if not, you can at least articulate your concerns to the other person, and see where you go from there.
We all have a fear of being disappointed by love. The point of having a good partnership is that there is a team-mate there to help you conquer those fears. Having someone that makes you feel safe, that you can count on them, that they will not abandon you-- that is what it is all about. How do you screen for that? Look to see if they follow through on their promises. Do their words match their actions? Is their pattern of behavior staying consistent?
When people do not follow through; when their words do not match their actions; when their patterns of behavior change-- any and all of these things will cause you to feel on high-alert. You will feel like Homeland Security dealing with Al-Qaeda at your door step. Don't try to ignore these feelings-- it is your own safety mechanism kicking into high gear. You are not going crazy, rather you are sensing danger, and you are going to kick into fight or flee mode. Only you can decide which is the right course of action-- no one else can tell you which would be the best route to take, and in the end no one else will have to live with the decision other than yourself, so don't worry about what the peanut gallery might think and trust your own gut instincts.
As you expose more of your vulnerabilities to the other person, it is natural to feel a bit anxious. Hopefully, the more you open up, the more someone will understand you and the better they will be at avoiding certain triggers. Unfortunatley, there are those that either consciously or unconsciously find our triggers and then hit them-- one right after the other. There are people that will purposely sabotage a relationship; others may not do it intentionally, but nonetheless they act in ways that will cause the relationship to self destruct.
Some of us need peace and quiet in order to process our emotions-- it is okay to take time for yourself to think through your feelings. Feelings are funny-- sometimes they are based on good reasons, other times they may be quite irrational, and that is why you need to go through the exercise of analyzing where the feelings stem from and hopefully you can talk yourself off the cliff, but if not, you can at least articulate your concerns to the other person, and see where you go from there.
We all have a fear of being disappointed by love. The point of having a good partnership is that there is a team-mate there to help you conquer those fears. Having someone that makes you feel safe, that you can count on them, that they will not abandon you-- that is what it is all about. How do you screen for that? Look to see if they follow through on their promises. Do their words match their actions? Is their pattern of behavior staying consistent?
When people do not follow through; when their words do not match their actions; when their patterns of behavior change-- any and all of these things will cause you to feel on high-alert. You will feel like Homeland Security dealing with Al-Qaeda at your door step. Don't try to ignore these feelings-- it is your own safety mechanism kicking into high gear. You are not going crazy, rather you are sensing danger, and you are going to kick into fight or flee mode. Only you can decide which is the right course of action-- no one else can tell you which would be the best route to take, and in the end no one else will have to live with the decision other than yourself, so don't worry about what the peanut gallery might think and trust your own gut instincts.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Forgiving Others, and Yourself, Is The Best Gift of All
So often I see people grappling with either anger or severe sadness. Sometimes, they blame the other person entirely for their pain, but there are others that turn that critical eye inward to an unhealthy extreme, and they cannot forgive themselves for having made such a mistake in some of the choices they made when picking their partner, for enduring as much pain as they did, for not leaving sooner, etc. They will perseverate about this so much, that eventually they become filled with fear and self-doubt about their abillity to judge others in the future. Sadly, until they can find a way to forgive themselves, they will never be able to truly move on and possibly find love again.
With respect to forgiving others, I know first-hand this is not easy, and yet harboring anger and resentment against others is just an incredibly heavy load to have to carry. Negative feelings will fester and eat away at you, and this too will hold you back in your ability to allow new, healthy relationships into your life.
Throughout life, we are all bound to be disappointed by others-- friends, family, lovers, colleagues, peers, service providers, even random strangers may not live up to our expectations and can inflict pain upon us. Some people will not gain our instant forgiveness, and no one should force upon us some artificial timeline. Only you can control when you are ready to forgive, and the level of that forgiveness, depending on the transgression.
Today's workshop on forgiveness taught me that forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing the behavior that offended us. It is not about becoming vulnerable again or re-establishing a relationship. Instead, it is a complicated process of multiple layers. It is a choice we make, and it is a gift primarily to ourselves, that may in fact have a powerful ripple effect upon our larger community-- particularly the more apt we are to share these amazing stories.
Sometimes, to face our greatest fears we need a little inspiration. Sharing my family's story today was my way of providing others with a powerful example of how forgiveness allowed me to unify a family torn apart for decades as a result of an erronoeous court decision. Facing my greatest fear has become my greatest source of strength, and is my sincere hope that others will experience a similar outcome once they find the courage to deal with the deep wounds, which we all carry in life.
We are defined by the choices we make in life. I hope we can all choose not to be emprisoned by our fears, and that by facing them, we can free ourselves and inspire others to do the same. The choice to forgive past transgressions so that we can move forward in life and enjoy all that it has to offer is indeed the best gift ever.
With respect to forgiving others, I know first-hand this is not easy, and yet harboring anger and resentment against others is just an incredibly heavy load to have to carry. Negative feelings will fester and eat away at you, and this too will hold you back in your ability to allow new, healthy relationships into your life.
Throughout life, we are all bound to be disappointed by others-- friends, family, lovers, colleagues, peers, service providers, even random strangers may not live up to our expectations and can inflict pain upon us. Some people will not gain our instant forgiveness, and no one should force upon us some artificial timeline. Only you can control when you are ready to forgive, and the level of that forgiveness, depending on the transgression.
Today's workshop on forgiveness taught me that forgiveness is not about forgetting or excusing the behavior that offended us. It is not about becoming vulnerable again or re-establishing a relationship. Instead, it is a complicated process of multiple layers. It is a choice we make, and it is a gift primarily to ourselves, that may in fact have a powerful ripple effect upon our larger community-- particularly the more apt we are to share these amazing stories.
Sometimes, to face our greatest fears we need a little inspiration. Sharing my family's story today was my way of providing others with a powerful example of how forgiveness allowed me to unify a family torn apart for decades as a result of an erronoeous court decision. Facing my greatest fear has become my greatest source of strength, and is my sincere hope that others will experience a similar outcome once they find the courage to deal with the deep wounds, which we all carry in life.
We are defined by the choices we make in life. I hope we can all choose not to be emprisoned by our fears, and that by facing them, we can free ourselves and inspire others to do the same. The choice to forgive past transgressions so that we can move forward in life and enjoy all that it has to offer is indeed the best gift ever.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
How Do You Kiss & Make Up?
It is natural and inevitable that couples will argue, have differences of opinion, and that each side may need to retreat to his/her separate corner for a time out to think clearly and calm down. Especially when you put two very strong willed and independant people together, these clashes can be pretty intense. Let me be very clear about this: it is perfectly normal to fight, but it is how you act in the heat of an argument, and how you make up after an argument, that makes or breaks a relationship.
While arguing, try to be cognizant of what you are saying-- for some of us, words matter a lot. Sometimes, the message might be a good one, but if your delivery sucks, the message will get lost in the process. Some of us resort to name calling, sarcasm, we go global or we shut down-- again all very common tactics-- but if we can try to catch ourselves and minimize this behavior in the heat of the moment, just imagine how much better off we would all be. If the point is to express your disappointment and to prevent a future misunderstanding, then you need to try to deliver that message as clearly as possible while refraining from kindergarten behavior.
After a fight, when you are in a better place, it is very healthy to analyze how the argument spiraled out of control. Remember, you are NOT re-hashing the argument or trying to place blame on the other person. This is about understanding each other's point of view, figuring out a way to avoid each other's triggers in the future, and above all, acknowledging that you are sorry for hurting the other person's feelings. Unfortunately, apologies are becoming rarer and rarer these days. Perhaps some people see that as a sign of weakness? Well, I see it as an incredible strength-- it takes courage to admit you are not perfect, that you made a mistake, and that you are sorry. Without mastering the art of an apology, you will never truly be able to kiss and make up.
And here is one final tip from a friend that has been married for a very long, long time: implement a statute of limitations. In other words, if you are pissed about something, you have 24 hours to get it out of your system. After that, you can't bring it up-- not a week later, or a month later. Learn to let it go-- at least if you want to make it last with your partner. Life is simply too short to stay angry.
While arguing, try to be cognizant of what you are saying-- for some of us, words matter a lot. Sometimes, the message might be a good one, but if your delivery sucks, the message will get lost in the process. Some of us resort to name calling, sarcasm, we go global or we shut down-- again all very common tactics-- but if we can try to catch ourselves and minimize this behavior in the heat of the moment, just imagine how much better off we would all be. If the point is to express your disappointment and to prevent a future misunderstanding, then you need to try to deliver that message as clearly as possible while refraining from kindergarten behavior.
After a fight, when you are in a better place, it is very healthy to analyze how the argument spiraled out of control. Remember, you are NOT re-hashing the argument or trying to place blame on the other person. This is about understanding each other's point of view, figuring out a way to avoid each other's triggers in the future, and above all, acknowledging that you are sorry for hurting the other person's feelings. Unfortunately, apologies are becoming rarer and rarer these days. Perhaps some people see that as a sign of weakness? Well, I see it as an incredible strength-- it takes courage to admit you are not perfect, that you made a mistake, and that you are sorry. Without mastering the art of an apology, you will never truly be able to kiss and make up.
And here is one final tip from a friend that has been married for a very long, long time: implement a statute of limitations. In other words, if you are pissed about something, you have 24 hours to get it out of your system. After that, you can't bring it up-- not a week later, or a month later. Learn to let it go-- at least if you want to make it last with your partner. Life is simply too short to stay angry.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Dating & Social Media
Who ever thought so many people would pay attention to a change in status of Facebook? Well, apparently many people do. Seems so innocent- you are dating someone, you agree to be exclusive, okay might as well delete that single status on FB-- next thing you know, everywhere you go-- the hair salon, at the mall, on the street, at networking events everyone starts asking you about your status change!
So here's the deal- before you make that change, I suggest you think through the consequences and have a talk with the other person about what it all means. Seriously- a change in FB status may not seem that big of a deal, but here is a news flash-- it actually might be, depending on the circles you travel in.
Guys particularly like to mark their territory, so I get it. FB status is now the cheapest way ever to do that without shelling out a ton of cash-- genius! Not, and here is why: Some guys, in fact most, are not going to care about FB status at all. Why? Because at the end of the day it is just a public declaration that you have agreed to be exclusive, but you have not signed any legal documents, and all it takes is one click of the button to return to single status. Unfortunately, that in itself may cause a whole flurry of additional questions at the check out counter next time you are at the store, so just be prepared.
So here's the deal- before you make that change, I suggest you think through the consequences and have a talk with the other person about what it all means. Seriously- a change in FB status may not seem that big of a deal, but here is a news flash-- it actually might be, depending on the circles you travel in.
Guys particularly like to mark their territory, so I get it. FB status is now the cheapest way ever to do that without shelling out a ton of cash-- genius! Not, and here is why: Some guys, in fact most, are not going to care about FB status at all. Why? Because at the end of the day it is just a public declaration that you have agreed to be exclusive, but you have not signed any legal documents, and all it takes is one click of the button to return to single status. Unfortunately, that in itself may cause a whole flurry of additional questions at the check out counter next time you are at the store, so just be prepared.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Learning to Compartmentalize
Sometimes, the qualities that are our strengths in our work environment-- such as being assertive, driven, strategic, forceful, authoritative, decisive, and able to make cuts as needed-- can make us pretty crappy partners. Having insight into our personalities and learning to check some of our "bad" traits at the door when we come home, might just do wonders for us in our personal lives.
Those that are driven to succeed may suffer from tunnel vision-- their ability to focus is such an asset in their professional endeavors, and yet ironically such a detriment to them in their personal relationships. Unfortunately, gentle nudging does not usually do the trick-- the only way those blinders come off is as a result of some catastrophic or life-altering event.
By sharing some of my stories, it is indeed my goal to try to find a way to spare others some pain and help my peers avoid some of the mistakes that I have seen so many make over and over again throughout the years. If there is one key thing I would urge everyone to do is take a good look inward and try to recognize how some of those attributes that might be rewarded at work might not be so highly regarded by your loved ones. Try to compartmentalize and learn to leave the work self behind when you clock out at the end of the day.
In addition to taking a little introspective exercise, try to have an honest conversation with your partner about how challenging it by be for you to change certain behaviors-- especially for those of us trained over the last 15 plus years to think like lawyers, who need to think of the worst case scenarios and then work backwards to avoid or at least minimize horrible consequences, it is not easy to just stop thinking that way all of a sudden. When you are trained over and over again to be on your guard and keep people at arms length during negotiations or litigation, is simply is not easy to let people in and take major leaps of faith.
If we can try to see how some of our strengths may also be weaknesses, depending on the different scenarios we are in, I think we are much better off having this insight. Faced with danger, perhaps my instincts to always fight may not be the best, and indeed sometimes fleeing may be a better course of action. If we all keep our guards up all the time and operate as islands, we will in fact be sentencing ourselves to a life of solitary confinement. To make the choice of living a life surrounded by family, friends and loved ones requires that we take some risks and major leaps of faith. In order to do that, you'll probably need to let go of that tough-guy (or gal) attitude, because that is NOT the reason your partner is going to fall in love with you.
Those that are driven to succeed may suffer from tunnel vision-- their ability to focus is such an asset in their professional endeavors, and yet ironically such a detriment to them in their personal relationships. Unfortunately, gentle nudging does not usually do the trick-- the only way those blinders come off is as a result of some catastrophic or life-altering event.
By sharing some of my stories, it is indeed my goal to try to find a way to spare others some pain and help my peers avoid some of the mistakes that I have seen so many make over and over again throughout the years. If there is one key thing I would urge everyone to do is take a good look inward and try to recognize how some of those attributes that might be rewarded at work might not be so highly regarded by your loved ones. Try to compartmentalize and learn to leave the work self behind when you clock out at the end of the day.
In addition to taking a little introspective exercise, try to have an honest conversation with your partner about how challenging it by be for you to change certain behaviors-- especially for those of us trained over the last 15 plus years to think like lawyers, who need to think of the worst case scenarios and then work backwards to avoid or at least minimize horrible consequences, it is not easy to just stop thinking that way all of a sudden. When you are trained over and over again to be on your guard and keep people at arms length during negotiations or litigation, is simply is not easy to let people in and take major leaps of faith.
If we can try to see how some of our strengths may also be weaknesses, depending on the different scenarios we are in, I think we are much better off having this insight. Faced with danger, perhaps my instincts to always fight may not be the best, and indeed sometimes fleeing may be a better course of action. If we all keep our guards up all the time and operate as islands, we will in fact be sentencing ourselves to a life of solitary confinement. To make the choice of living a life surrounded by family, friends and loved ones requires that we take some risks and major leaps of faith. In order to do that, you'll probably need to let go of that tough-guy (or gal) attitude, because that is NOT the reason your partner is going to fall in love with you.
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