Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Has Your Partner Checked Out?

There is probably nothing more painful in life than mourning the loss of a special relationship.  If at one point you thought you could share anything and everything with your partner, and that together you made a great team that shared the same level of commitment towards one another and vision for the future, it is a pretty shocking blow to later discover that this person actually hid a fair amount from you, was not quite so committed to working things out, and that actually as their plans for the future became clearer, they didn't include you at all.  Unfortunately, this devastating discovery is actually quite common, but the problem is those who feel most blind sided by this twist of fate failed to pay attention to the signs...

Most people's feelings don't change overnight, but rather they slowly start to keep things to themselves and ask for space.  They spend less and less time with you, as they work through their feelings of discontent.  While they are ill at ease, they have a tendency to get snarky and may snap at you for no reason.  Simply put, they are unhappy and most likely blame you for their misery.  And as this general malaise continues to grow, their behavior can become more desperate as their mind goes into flight or fight mode.  At this point, commitment definitely gets tossed out the window-- for they are only concerned with ensuring their own survival, not yours.

So let's talk about survival-- can you survive without your partner?  The answer to this should be yes. You need to be able to take care of yourself, in other words cover your own basic needs such as housing, food, medical care, transportation and any debt that is your responsibility.  It is critical that your survival is not dependent on your partner for this key reason: you should want to stay with your partner, but not need to.  The beauty of being in a healthy relationship is that the choice to stay is not one driven by need.

After someone has done a cost-benefit analysis and decided that they are better off leaving, there is NO POINT to try to convincing them otherwise.  Your pleas will only fall on deaf ears, and more importantly, you should not have to beg someone to stay.  If you see that they've checked out, you need to do the same.  Don't torture yourself thinking about the love story you had in the beginning or dreaming about what could have been, but rather let yourself see the bad in the end for what it really was: a clear sign that it was time to part ways.

If your partner has checked out, just say "sayonara."  Remember, the best revenge is moving forward with your dignity intact.  Your friends and family will most likely help you rebuild the rest.

By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.




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