Why Smart Women Date Inappropriate Men

Today I feel the need to explain why smart women would date inappropriate men. The short answer is so obvious: dating inappropriate guys is safe because you know you are never going to truly fall in love with them.

I could just leave it at that, but that is just not my style. An in depth analysis of this phenomenon, however, could easily be the subject of various dissertations, and I am not about to delve into such an endeavor here. I will say this-- my observation is that women that have good relationships with their fathers tend to cut guys a lot of slack; meanwhile, those like me, who grew up without fathers, or had poor relationships with their dads tend to subscribe to the general belief that "all men are pigs," and then we seek out the exceptions to that rule. I will proffer that the best approach is probably somewhere in the middle, and if you want to find a satisfying meaningful relationship, you need to take the time to reflect on past relationships with family, friends and former partners to figure out your own pattern. If you don't like what you see, it is totally within your control to change yourself.

One of my esteemed divorce colleagues told me that the reason we stay in business is because "women marry men thinking they will change; men marry women thinking that they won't." That insight is priceless! The fact is that we cannot change those around us-- you either accept someone the way that they are or you need to move on. On the other hand, men need to be prepared for the fact that motherhood will drastically change their wives. Raging hormones, sleep deprivation and the added stress of finding that perfect work/life balance, can send the best of us into a frenzy.

I would implore women to cut guys some slack-- most men are not trying to be jerks, they are just clueless. We speak totally different languages, and often we only hear what we want to hear from the other. Learning to communicate effectively takes time and effort. Our trainings also color our perception-- as a lawyer, I was trained to focus on words; meanwhile my psychologist friends were trained to look at behavior. I have learned that paying attention to both is your safest bet when trying to figure out another person and maintain a strong, healthy relationship.

Dating in the 21st Century

When I was getting divorced, a friend of mine told me to brace myself for what it is like to date in the 21st century. While I was out of the game for 12 years, technology came along and changed everything. Now people use multiple online dating services and can queue up as many as 10 dates a week. People expect instant responses to texts, emails, Face Book messages, or cellular calls. She told me I would have to go on about 20 bad dates before I would meet someone half-way decent. I thought she was joking, but apparently not.

My happily married friends have been quite entertained the past several years with my dating stories. I share the stories with them in the hopes that they will stay together because dating in the 21st century is no picnic. We all joke that my search for Mr. Right has become a quest for finding a unicorn. Well, I will spare everyone here the details of what I have encountered, but I do feel compelled to warn others of some common red flag categories:

1. Married Men for Whom the Ring is Just an Accessory;
2. Rebound Guys;
3. Online Weirdos;
4. Socially Awkward Guys;
5. Control Freaks;
6. GIs (Geographically Inconvenient);
7. Insecure/Needy Guys;
8. Commitment Phobes;
9. Emotionally Unavailable/ Ambivalent Guys;
10. Pretty Boys (aka Players);
11. High Conflict Personalities (“HCPs”); or
12. Poor Communicators.

Ultimately, I believe dating is supposed to be hard, so that when you find that right person you do not take him/her for granted. I believe Dr. Kasl is right in her book “If the Buddha Dated” when she suggests that dating is a journey—and from each experience we learn something about what we need or what we cannot tolerate in our relationships. Dr. Gottman, author of Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, is also correct in his assertion that without the right conflict resolution skills and communication abilities a couple is doomed.

While it has been an interesting social experiment for me observing all these trends in dating, I have to be honest, I am truly disturbed by what I have seen. Technology has allowed people to expand their options, but it has also enabled people to lose sense of their accountability. Talking to strangers online about personal and/or inappropriate topics has somehow become mainstream. People have a false sense of intimacy just because they are friends on Facebook, or follow each other on Twitter, or text once a day-- you have to see each other and spend time together to form an intimate relationship. Furthermore, having multiple people in the mix at once is exhausting and prevents you from focusing on developing a meaningful relationship. Finally, it seems so many are treating one another like disposable tissue these days—but just because you can does not mean you should.

The best advice I can give someone in the dating world is to not take things too personally. If it does not work out with someone, you need to keep moving forward. If there are lots of arguments and problems in the beginning, listen to your gut. Dating is supposed to be fun, if it ceases to be that get out. When it is meant to be, trust yourself that you will know it.

At the end of one of my lectures, a law student asked me whether after everything I have seen and been through, "do you still believe in the institution of marriage?" Without hesitation I responded, "yes." There is nothing more spectacular in life than finding that special person that gets you-- one that you love, trust and respect, and cannot imagine living without. If I never find it again, that is okay, because I at least felt that once. Ultimately, I firmly believe that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

In the Eye of the Storm

My father said to me recently, "sometimes we cannot see what everyone else arounds us sees because we are too caught up in our own lives." I have been telling my clients the same thing for over a decade. When they come to me, they are usually caught in the eye of a storm-- it is not just the legal reality of a divorce that is hitting them, but they are struggling with severe emotional and financial consequences that result from a separation. At this juncture, it is imperative that people seek out help from family, friends and trusted experts because it is simply humanly impossible to weather this storm alone.

I understand that it can be hard to ask for help.  For most of my life, I have gotten by trying to rely on my own resources. By not expecting anything from anyone else, I was less likely to be disappointed. But it has been a very lonely road, and while professionally I've gained tremendous recognition the last several years, in my personal life I had to face some of the worst challenges ever as a result of the economy tanking and major family developments that required immediate attention. Without the help of others, I never would have gotten through all the personal setbacks suffered last year. To need help from others can be a very humbling experience-- no doubt I needed that.

Now that I think the storm is a bit more behind me, I am able to see the big picture. When people ask me how I have managed to get through everything I have been through, all I can really truly say is I did not get this far on my own.  No one can navigate through life operating as if s/he lives on a solitary island-- especially when you are in the eye of a storm.  With the right help, you can get through it, and after the storm has passed you will see things much more clearly.

Family Connections

Last night, I received confirmation that I have indeed found my father-- 99.999% sure based on our DNA test. All of a sudden, I have a father, a step-mother, an aunt, an uncle, 2 cousins, a step-brother here in DC, and a half brother in London. I spoke to 6 of the 8 last night, and everyone was so happy. My aunt joked that we should send out a birth announcement:"It is a girl! She is 5'4", and weighs over 100 lbs." She is hilarious!

Apparently, making jokes about some of our greatest sources of pain is a trait that runs in my family. It has been a coping mechanism that I have used all my life, and perhaps now everyone around me can understand a little bit better why I appreciate irony so much-- it seems to be a common theme in my life. In 2005, when I got divorced, not ony did I un-do the vows of marriage, but I also severed the ties with my husband's family, who had become mine over the twelve years that we were together. So many people have asked me my divorce was such a traumatic event for me-- well, perhaps now it all makes more sense-- for unlike so many, I did not have my own family to fall back on. The safety net that most people take for granted their whole lives has never been there for me.

So here I am now as an adult, with a child of my own, about to embark on a new journey. I am about to learn something most of you have enjoyed all your lives, and that I have always envied. For the first time ever, the word "father" actually means something real and personal to me. He is the one I look like, the one I think like, and the one I am finally learning to understand. The greatest irony here is that I am a family law attorney, who is just about to learn what it really means to be a family. All these years, I have helped people renegotitate their family ties when they separate, and in my lectures and writings I advocate for people to collaborate in order to minimize the negative impacts of the separation for their children's sake. But for the first time ever, I am going to have to learn how to pull a family together-- reuniting everyone after all these years not just for my son's sake, but actually for myself.

Finding the Courage to Forgive

In January 2010, when I met Elizabeth Gilbert at her book signing, everyone was thanking her for sharing her story. By the time I got to meet her, I decided enough people had thanked her, so I said something different. I said, "Liz, congratulations on finding the courage to love again." She stopped midway through her signature and looked up at me with an inquisitive glance. I then explained that I am a divorced divorce lawyer, so I understand how hard it is to let go of the past and move forward. She mockingly told me that I did not need to read the book "Committed" because I already knew everything in there, but I shook my head and said, "no, unlike you I have not found the courage to truly love again."

Lots of people have been telling me that I have exhibited great courage over the past six years: I decided to run my own law firm for over five years while raising an infant; I gracefully managed to get through my own divorce without destroying my family; and just this past week I made the journey to find my father and his whole family. Many have asked me how I did all of this, and the only thing I can really say is that each action was carefully undertaken after a thoughtful cost/benefit analysis. Any major decision in life requires us to consider what will be the consequences of our actions. Another motivating factor for me is the desire to avoid regret. Of course we all have regrets in life, that is because we all make mistakes.

Ultimately, very few people will understand us and love us despite our flaws, that is what makes friends and family so special. When certain relationships do not work out, too many view this as a rejection. I do not see it this way- I truly believe the saying that some friends come into our lives for a reason, some come into our lives for a season, and it is a select few that are life long friends. These past few months, it has been my life long friends that have really come shining through for me. I appreciate all the encouragement everyone has given me over the past five years, but I am here to admit that I am not as brave as you might think. I have not yet found that courage to love again. But I do believe that if I can find it in my heart to forgive my father after all these years, then I am that much closer to finding love again.

A Puzzle That Took 38 Years To Complete

In 1971, a woman met a Spaniard while on a cruise. Nine months later, I was born. A nasty court case ensued, and without the admission of any medical evidence, the court found insufficient grounds to make a determination of paternity.

My mother was publicly humiliated and felt betrayed by the judicial system. As a result, I was told as a child that my father was dead, and my mother insisted that I become a lawyer and learn my rights. As fate would have it, I got a scholarship to go to a boarding school in Andover, MA when I was 14. I moved to Washington, DC when I was 17 to attend Georgetown University, and by age 25 I completed law school at The George Washington University Law School. By pure coincidence, I began my legal career as a family law attorney, and ever since that is all I have ever done.

In law school, and my first six years as a litigator, I was taught to hear my client's story, then to advocate his/her position as zealously as possible. Five years ago, however, following my own divorce, I underwent a complete transformation in my legal training. I pursued courses in mediation and Collaborative Law. Through these studies, I was transformed. I learned to hear both parties' version of events, as well as their goals and concerns. I was taught to view success as the best possible solution for the family as a whole, not just from one party's perspective. The results in my cases these past few years have been far more rewarding than I ever imagined.

Now I have taken my whole new skill set and applied it to my personal life. After all these years, I sought out my alleged father. Looking at him is like looking in a mirror, and his whole family agrees that the resemblance is just uncanny. With the help of my aunt, uncle and cousins, I have been able to learn all about the past, and of course through my own father I was able to hear his side of the story, and why he fought the court case so vehemently back in the '70s. I now understand what happened back then, and I am not angry. It is just immensely sad that we have lost so many years together. But, we cannot focus on the past. We need to be grateful for the opportunity presented here and focus on the future -- the memories we have yet to create.

After 38 years, we finally took a DNA test a few days ago and the results are pending. I could never have gotten this through a court order. No law suit at this point would ever have required these people to talk to me or let me into their lives. The moral of this story is that not everything can be achieved in a court of law, which can be very unforgiving. We all make mistakes, and so do the courts. Sometimes, those errors have severe consequences that can last a lifetime. I am living proof of that reality. Yet here I am, trying to minimize the damage done and prove that the best solutions are most often achieved outside a courtroom.

Looking Back In Order to Move Forward

Six years ago, in March 2005 I did the unexpected-- I got separated. For 32 years, I did everything I was expected to do: finished law school, got married, bought a house, a nice car, a Golden Retriever, and had a child. It seems like the perfect recipe for a happy ending, but I was miserable. So, we sold the house, I traded in the Mercedes, the dog died, I divorced my husband, and now I only see my son half the time. Am I better off?

Well, I guess it depends on how you view things. I miss the things I had, but I do not miss the person I once was-- I am a much better lawyer because of what I have experienced; I have greater empathy and understanding for my clients, and I have gained insight about myself by delving into the past instead of simply focusing on planning for the future.

Looking for the new Mr. Right has become like a quest for finding a unicorn. But regardless of whether I ever find him, I am grateful for the lessons I have learned these past six years, and look forward to what lies ahead.