Intentional or Not? It Does Make a Difference.

We all get disappointed at times, and those of us with an aggressive personality tend to show our disappointment in an angry way, versus a more passive personality that would just get sad or shut down. Whether you can deal with your partner's conflict style is a key question for anyone contemplating a committed relationship-- and you should not delude yourself into thinking the style will change. Old habits die hard, and the fact is that those that we love are the ones that can hurt us the most. Our expectations of them are far greater than of anyone else around us. So, whenever I need to hit re-set, I start by asking myself whether my expectations were realistic. We also have to take into account whether the person that committed the transgression intentionally did something that hurt, or was it accidental? As a lawyer, it's been drilled into me that intent makes all the difference in the world. I also realize that I pay far more attention to word choice and actions than most. After all, there are only 1.3 Million licensed, practicing attorneys in the U.S. out of a population of over 311 Million. I accept, as my brother has lovingly pointed out, that I am a "mutant." Funny thing is that most people do not realize that those of us with these hard-core exteriors are actually protecting a very vulnerable interior. This is why it takes some of us an extra long time to get over setbacks. Recognzing that we all recover at a different pace, I will say getting some exercise, a good night's sleep, and having an open discussion of what went wrong when you are both calmer can go a long way to fixing an issue quickly. By seeking an understanding of how the problem occurred, with a focus on finding a solution for the future versus trying to prosecute the other person, you should be able to de-escalate the situation quite effectively. Remember, to be in a committed relationship means more than just an agreement to be exclusive and to go out and have sex regularly-- those are great first steps, no doubt. However, a commitment to make things work means you accept there will be challenging moments and you will not walk away when that happens. Instead, you are agreeing to stick it out, work through problems and develop a deeper level of understanding. If the intent is to stay and grow together, that is what you are really committing to, and if you are not in sync on that, well then... time to move on.