The Magical Boiling Point

Too often I think we let things go, and we let more things go, until one day, magically, we hit this boiling point, and it all comes spilling out. At that point, you can't go on ignoring issues and you need to focus, because now it is decision time-- what are you going to do about this problem?

In the past, whenever I hit this boiling point, my M.O. was to walk away. Filled with immense disappointment and void of any hope, I would leave and go set for a new course. I've done it since I was 8-- learned to cut people out and relied on my extroverted nature to find some new and interesting connections. This is exactly why I became so good so fast at being the handmaiden of death in the divorce world. But something really funny happened a few years ago, I realized that others did not actually share my view of the boiling point. Mediators, psychologist, and Collaborative Professionals see a crisis moment as an opportunity for families to address unresolved issues- rather than run from conflict, they embrace it. They took me under their tutelage, and I discovered a whole new way of thinking-- at least when it comes to family ties.

For the last few years, I've embraced the crisis moment in a whole new way with my clients, and in the last few years this approach has spilled over into my family life. I have to admit, the boiling point still sucks when it happens, but when you appreciate the ties that bind you, and you realize that walking away is not an option, then amazingly really can find a way to work things out. Maybe not overnight, and maybe not at all the way anyone thought it would play out, but I have to say, I'm enjoying having a lot less blood on my hands these days. Don't get me wrong, the handmaiden of death is not at all retired, but her softer side is shining more brightly these days.

Help Kids Understand the Impact of a College Degree

It's amazing to think that in this affluent country we live in only about 25% of the US population obtain a Bachelor's Degree. Those that do will make about 75% more than their counterparts without a degree; they are also more likely to get married and far more likely to stay together. The economic and social advantages just continue to increase exponentially for those with higher education degrees, so really it is a no-brainer that as responsible parents we have to help our kids navigate the complex application process and set aside money for college as soon as possible.

According to Nancy Leopold of College Tracks (who will be my tv guest this week), the number of available college seats has not drastically changed in the last 20 years, meanwhile the number of applicants have skyrocketed. Many in-state schools now cost as much as $30,000 per year, and the FAFSA guidelines presume that parents will contribute towards college. The last thing you want to do is have a child go into tremendous debt as they start off life, but sadly for some there is no other option. Nancy's organization is a local non-profit that helps kids apply for college and works with families so they understand the financial packages being offered by various schools.

Staffed with over 40 volunteers, College Tracks begins by helping high school students identify appropriate target schools, complete their essays, schedule the SATs, etc. For those whose parents have never been through the process, this is an invaluable service. As I did the interview, I had lots of flashbacks of my own college application process, and I truly appreciated more than ever all that my scholarship program did for me. The Scholars Program in New York took us on a college tour the summer before our senior year, and that is how I became acquainted with Georgetown. The Program also helped match me with internships each summer that I was in high school, so by the time I was writing my essays for college, I had a pretty nice resume and outstanding recommendation letters.

Between the Program's coordinators and the advisors I had in boarding school, I was given an incredible fighting chance at a bright future-- the only thing no one warned me about was the debt. Back then the philosophy was get into the best schools you can get into and don't worry about the debt. Well, times have drastically changed. This is a world of few haves, and lots of have-nots. If there is one thing that Nancy makes clear is that you have to be mindful of the debt you take on-- education is an amazing gift, but it comes with a huge price tag these days. If we want our kids to start the game of life off right, we need to help them prep for the application process way before their senior year, and financially plan so that they don't start off too deep in the hole because of debt.

Time to Choose: Split Up Before or After the Holidays?

As Thanksgiving approaches, the question I get most often from clients is whether to split now or after the holidays? It's a tough call to make, and very personal. In typical lawyer fashion, I tell everyone it depends on you-- if you are the type of person that can keep it together and will enjoy the time with your spouse and kids, then it might be best for everyone if you could grin and bear it until Dec. 31st so that the holidays in the future will not be associated with any negative connotations. However, if you can't stand to be in the same house a day longer and/or there is a lot of bickering going on already, then it might be a relief to everyone if the split occured prior to the holidays. If the kids are so little that they won't recall anything, then the timing may not matter as much, but when you have older children that are going to remember certain events like when mommy or daddy left the house, you have to be super sensitive to their emotional safety. The other big factor to consider is money. Can you afford to move out and still help support your kids' expenses or contribute to the mortgage? You need to run your monthly expenses and determine if you can rent another place, or else you may need to crash with your parents or friends. I cannot tell you how many people in this economy have had to move back in with their parents or another relative-- a harsh reality for anyone over 25. Keep in mind, you will also have new expenses like attorney's fees and perhaps child support. Someone may even request temporary alimony during the split, which could really create havoc on your budget. To better understand the consequences of moving out, and review the pros and cons of a split, wise people go and get a consult before making any major decisions. It is so much easier to help someone plan properly in order to avoid a disaster versus having to clean up a mess that has already been created. Remember, divorce is like an amputation- we are cutting out a part of your life, and you can either do it methodically with a surgeon or do it yourself with a butcher's knife. I'd like to see people avoid a blood bath and enjoy the holidays, so make sure you weigh your options carefully with an expert.

Friend or Frenemy? True Colors Emerge When You Fall in Love

A true friend is someone that supports you, and while they may not agree with all your choices, they will respect that it is your life to live as you see fit. Over the years, my friends have dated people that I may not have necessarily been thrilled with, or vice a versa, and of course, we have all voiced some concerns along the way, but we've also always known when to shut up and let someone figure certain things out on their own. There is a line that you cannot cross-- those that do enter into dangerous territory that could get themselves ex-communicated.

It is always sad when a friend becomes less available because s/he has found a partner, but the joy you have for them should outweigh your own sadness if you are a true friend.  If instead you put up a fuss, make ultimateums and generally become a thorn on someone's side, you will soon find yourself out in the cold, completely. 

The lesson for all of us here is this: you need to go with your heart, and accept that not everyone will be happy with your choices in life. If someone doesn't respect your choices, you need to set clear boundaries early on, and if those boundaries are not respected, you need to cut all ties. Sometimes, especially with frenemies, you need to act like the Moussad-- there is no room for negotiation with terrorists. Take no prisoners, just take them down and out.

Dishing About Dating in the 21st Century

Tonight on my show, Making It Last, I get to dish about one of my favorite topics-- dating in the 21st century. Keep in mind that it is only in the last 10 years that modern technology has really changed the game around. Online dating is how 25% of all couples meet; the rest usually meet organically either through friends, work or in school. Regardless of how people meet, in order to maintain a relationship in today's modern world, they need to become super apt at communicating via email, text, FB and phone. Expectations are so high that you'll be instantly available, and I think the rate of crashing and burning is increasing exponentially. People-- this is not a race. Dating should be a fun social experiment. You learn what you like, what you don't, you figure out where you have room to compromise, and no one should take it personally if there are some things you just cannot negotiate. The people that go the extra mile of hiring a dating coach are serious about finding a life partner. These are people on a mission, but some of us are just not motivated in that way. Many may not be clear about what they want in a partner, meanwhile others are crystal clear about the traits they are seeking in a spouse. Ultimately, the more you go in with an open mind, and an open heart, the better off you will be-- and for your own sanity, just try your best to avoid one thing: setting ultimateums. No one likes to be forced to make a choice, even though there are certain ones that are inevitable. After a few months of casually dating you do need to assess where you are heading. If there is a commute involved, eventually someone needs to pose the question of whether there is any intention of ending that situation by finding compromise ground. If there is a toxic person that is hovering over the couple like a dark cloud, either you both move to a sunnier location, or you need to part ways. If one person wants a family and the other doesn't share that vision, or one person wants to stay home and raise kids, while the other person wants to be part of a double income family, where both spouses share equally in all responsibilities, you just need to be honest with yourselves that your long-term vision is not in sync. Play out the movie in your head, and work backwards from the end you seek, that is my best advice. Envision yourself like a director going through cast calls and just have fun trying to find the character that is going to play that lead role in your life!

The Importance of Closure Conversations

Over the last 14 years as a divorce lawyer, I've seen a lot of crap. The worst, however, is when someone is blind-sided by the divorce. They had no idea that anything was wrong, and to add insult to injury the other spouse leaves without ever giving an explanation. Perhaps the goal is to not say anything further to hurt the other, but the fact is that if you leave a person in the dark as to what went wrong, you leave that person always wondering, always doubting, and perhaps preventing them from ever being able to move forward. How can you learn from your mistakes if no one ever tells you what you are doing wrong? Whether it is a friend, relative or lover that I have walked away from, I have always tried to give some insight as to why the relationship is being terminated. There are ways to have these discussions without obliterating the other person's ego. No doubt these talks are hard, but there is no crueler punishment in my opinion that to end a long-term relationship without explanation. Perhaps you may not be ready to have it right away, we all need time to calm down sometimes and gain perspective, but at some point, it is the humane thing to do.

The Importance of Having a Good Life Panel

In the legal world, you can't have one person act as prosecutor, judge and jury. The whole American system in fact is set up on the premise that we need checks and balances to avoid an abuse of power. So how about applying the same concepts in your personal life? When I get mad, I know my judgment is clouded-- that is why I have a panel. My go-to people who can weigh in and help me see things from a different perspective. Some people rely on just a BFF-- there are so many problems with that, but here are just a few: 1) friends come & go from your life, you can't have all your eggs in one basket; 2) you marry your best friend, and your spouse is bound to piss you off-- so you need someone else to peel you back off the ledge every now and then; 3) sometimes people have their own agenda or their perspective may be tainted by their own past. There are of course times when you won't have time to convene a panel, and a decision must be made on the spot. When that happens, you need to go with your gut. As Malcolm Gladwell said in Blink, sometimes what seem like snap decisions are actually a reflection of our cumulative life experiences. That said, sometimes our judgment is tainted by biases we may not be aware of, so this is why whenever I have the luxury of time, and I'm not sure that I am seeing something from all the different angles, I rely on my panel-- just like I would in a divorce case involving a variety of experts. This week, my panel shined and helped me see some blind spots that I was overlooking because I was simply way too focused on the end in mind. I am eternally grateful to have learned the importance of having a panel early on, and I hope others will think carefully about applying the same strategy in their own lives.