Gathering Love Stories

Anyone who knows me is aware of my obsession with love stories-- I love learning how people met, when they first had their "ah-ha" moment, and how they got engaged. I've spent the last 14 years gathering love stories- if they come to me for a prenup consult it is a story with a beautiful ending; if it is for a divorce consult, it is a story with a sad middle part, but the way I see it the end has yet to be determined. Many, in fact most, are able to part ways amicably, and within 2-5 years they rebuild a new life with someone else. So the way I see it, my job is simply to guide people along their love journeys, and I am eternally grateful for the insight everyone has given me into the joys and challenges of a love story.

So, what is it with my obsession about love stories? Well, perhaps it stems from the fact that I was not the product of a great love story-- in fact I was never even told the story for almost half my life. For the first 19 years I was told my father was dead, and let's just say no one painted him out to be a war hero. Putting aside all reasons for this deceipt, whether well intentioned or not, the point I am making today is that perhaps because my own parents failed to provide me with a love story that I have gone out of my way the last 14 years as a divorce lawyer to gather all the stories possible from those around me. By sharing your stories, you have filled me with hope and inspired me to go on my own journey to find love.

This week, while surrounded by friends that were remarking at my commitment to helping couples and families, a stranger asked me why I bailed at my own marriage. He went further and asked me why I would choose to be a single mother with an infant 7 years ago. Excellent questions, and so here is my answer: You can marry the love of your life and have it not work out. To raise a child in a loveless marriage is not something I was willing to do. My primary job as a parent (aside from providing basic necessities) is to raise a well-adjusted, happy child that believes in love. How can you do that when you are modeling a dysfunctional relationship? Given the choice of raising a child in a comfortable economic environment where I was miserable, or as a single parent where I was at least happy and stood a chance of finding love again, I picked the latter.

Everyone around me thinks I'm so brave-- but it is not about being courageous, to me it is about doing the right thing. We have to teach our children about love and prepare them for their own journey in search of a life partner. To give them every possible chance at success, single parents especially have a duty to teach kids that sometimes you may have to spend years alone, until you find the right one-- but you never lose hope of finding that one. Until then, you are all just gathering love stories. :)

Making Glue in Our Relationships

During the day, I get paid to be pragmatic-- to give people advice in their prenups or divorces that is completely stripped of any emotion. This is how we are trained in law school-- to focus on the facts, and detach from our client's emotions. Those who choose to go to law school probably already have strongly exhibited this ability to compartmentalize-- a real strength in business, but a real weakness in personal relationships.

Our personal relationships are based on love, trust, and hopefully mutual admiration. It's all about opening up your emotions, breaking down barriers, and letting someone into your world. To build a healthy relationship with someone (after you've gone through the initial 20 questions phase) you need to work on what I call making glue-- enjoying experiences together and sharing fun activities that will provide awesome memories so when you hit a rough patch (and we all do at some point) the glue is what keeps you together.

Making glue doesn't have to be expensive-- it could be a hike, impromptu picnic, or even just washing a car together. Hosting a BBQ as a couple, enjoying a kayak trip, or doing a family outing with kids is all part of an important process, where you spend quality time and show one another that you are making the other a priority in your life. True friends will not only understand the importance of this, they will support you in this endeavor.

Remember, the point of the game is to find the best match and get out. But to make your love last, you should never stop working on making glue.  This is where I think a lot of people fail-- they have this great romance in the beginning, and then they fall into a complacent pattern that is comfortable.  Well, for some of us that is just way too boring, and those of us that need a little spice in our life, need to have an ongoing effort made to demonstrate we rank in someone's world.

Love and happiness are not permanent accomplishments, but rather intense sentiments that you have to work at maintaining alive.  They are the glue that binds you to another, and it does require constant effort, but the endeavor is totally worth it!

Ignoring Some Traditions May Actually Save Your Marriage & Bank Account

I have to say, I was overwhelmed with joy when I read about the low key affair that Mark Zuckerberg and Priscilla Chan put together this weekend. Everyone knows I love weddings and celebrating happy occasions, but some of the costs for these things have totally gone out of control! Back in 1997, when I was planning my wedding, I have to say it was a very tense time. All I wanted to do was elope-- go somewhere fun, exchange my vows with my husband-- simple no fuss, no frills. Unfortunately, the groom did not share in this vision-- he, being an only child, did not want to rob his family of the wedding celebration.

Arguments over such minor things like the price of flowers, transportation for guests, menu choices, etc. ensued, and it is a miracle that we survived that year. Seven years later when we split, we had nothing to show from the actual party, and I couldn't care less about the wedding gifts. What did I care about the most? My son, and the pictures from our trips, including our honeymoon in Hawaii. I think that says it all. After recovering from my 7-year divorce hangover, I am happy to say I have a new status. I consider myself "in-between husbands," and whoever that lucky guy may be is still unclear, but there is one thing I know for sure-- there is no way I am going to spend anywhere close to $27,000 (the average cost of a wedding in the U.S.). That same amount of money could buy a decent car, be a down-payment to a house, maybe even a year's tuition for a child at a state school.

 Whenever (if ever) I tie the knot again, I am opting out of all the pomp and circumstance that goes along with a traditional wedding. Hopefully, Mr. Right will understand and agree that a huge party is unnecessary to honor your commitment to become life-long partners, what really matters is actually putting in the day-to-day effort required to keep it all together. While one can never predict what will make a marriage work or not, I've got to admit that lots of my clients fight over money and have fundamentally different views on savings versus spending. Maintaining a marriage is expensive- homes, cars, trips, kids, it all adds up. Save your money for that, not some party that few will ever remember.

Hopefully, Mark and Priscilla will set off a new trend, so people with far less fortunes will think twice before spending money frivilously. I truly wish the newly weds all the best, and I admire their remarkable courage in bucking tradition, standing firm as a couple and not caving into external pressures or expectations. External threats to a marriage are always there-- it is those that maintain a united front (and are careful with money) that succeed.

Let's Have a Candid Talk About Sex

A recent study says that the average couple spends 42 minutes having sex, and the normal frequency is 1-3 times a week.  That may seem low, but keep in mind that people at various ages have different energy levels, and there is a wide range among individuals with respect to their sex drives and stamina.  Now, I'm not about to tell what category I fall into, but I am going to tell you this: one of the clearest signs that your relationship is in trouble is when you are not at least meeting the minimum average of making love once a week.

We all get tired from work, dealing with our kids, etc. but if you cannot even find 42 minutes a week to have an intimate moment with your partner, what does that really say about your priorities? We all need to feel loved and wanted. There is no greater crush to someone's ego than feeling rejected by your own partner. I believe the opposite also holds true-- there is no greater boost to your ego than knowing that there is this amazing person that has chosen to give up all other options out there to be with you, just you. To touch someone in a way that no one else can-- know exactly what they like, how they like it, and provide them with overwhelming joy and satisfaction-- even if only for 42 minutes in a week-- it is an amazing gift.

Play into each other's fantasies, be open about what you want and need. Be creative, come up with story lines, dress up (or down) and change it up a bit-- the point is have fun and let go of your inhibitions.  Who cares what you do in your own bedroom? Sex is a HUGE part of a healthy marriage-- so if you see an issue developing in this department, don't try to minimize this or ignore the problem. You need to have candid talks about sex with your partner, not strangers online, and tap into that creative side of your brains to find new ways to keep each other happy.

The importance of sex in an intimate relationship can not be overstated.  It is normal and healthy to want to feel a deep connection with the one you love, and when you can make someone feel like they are on fire, you will both share in an out of this world experience that truly helps put everything else in perspective.  All your troubles should melt away when you have nothing but pure joy in your heart, and there is simply no replacement for that natural high that you should both experience together.

If you cannot relate to what I've just said, I really don't even know what to say.  But for those of you that get it, please don't let life's burdens creep into your bedroom.  Keep that as your sanctuary and don't let that passionate flame burnout.  Do whatever you need to do to keep that fire alive-- it's actually a key component to making it all last.  

Facebook and Its Impact on Marriages

Last night on ABC news, I got to weigh in on the impact of Facebook on marriages. Sadly, time is always limited on the air, so there is a lot that I did not get to cover-- but thankfully there is always this blog for me to finish up all my thoughts that don't get to make it on the air each week! Anyway, this has been my observation over the last 14 years of handling divorces in the DC Area-- it used to be that only the rich and famous were surrounded by temptation on a daily basis, now thanks to the social media, we all are-- and that means no one is safe from the threat of an outsider looking to explore his/her options with you or your partner. So how can you protect your marriage from these outside threats? Simple-- by not ignoring the problems in your marriage or trying to avoid conflict. Let's be real-- marriage is hard work, and it is a constant work in progress. Many seem to forget this fact-- at least the 50% that I see needing my services. When you take each other for granted and ignore issues, you are setting the stage for disaster to strike. What seems to be happening much more these days is that a seemingly innoncent reconnection with an old friend on Facebook slowly, yet surely develops into much more-- an intense emotional connection that eventually blows up into a full blown affair. Why? Because people start to fantasize about what could have been, or what could be, and this fantasy soon becomes irresistable. Before you know it, I've got a major mess to clean up. There are now over 900 million active users on Facebook, which is an amazing tool for those of us that want to try to stay connected with friends while struggling to balance work and family life in our 30's and 40's. Whether it is Facebook, or some other social network, I think it is safe to say that this way of connecting with others is only going to increase, and with that reality in mind, I sincerely hope that those in committed relationships will proceed with caution-- temptation now surrounds us all on a daily basis. Make sure you take the time to nurture those relationships that matter most to you and work through issues as soon as they arise.

How Do You Stop the Hemmoraging in a Divorce?

Emotions are so raw in a divorce-- every day I see people face their greatest fears. It's been my job for over a decade, to guide them through a very painful, personal journey. When I went through my own divorce, and started sharing custody of my son, it definitely changed my approach with my clients-- how could it not? My goal became to stop the pain as quickly as possible-- to stop the hemmoraging of cash in order to preserve as much wealth for the family. Finding legal strategies that can act as immediate tourniquets has become my mission, and I am eternally grateful to have found something I love to do while helping those in need. But here is my one word of caution for those about to embark on their own divorce journey-- the recovery process can take years. It seems the same technique I use with my clients (applying tourniquets) I applied in my personal, emotional life. To stop the pain, I tried to just shut out the emotions. Funny thing is that it doesn't seem to work so well when you are trying to move forward with rebuilding your life. To get to a better place and be emotionally available for another, you actually have to work through the pain-- all the loss, all the sadness and disappointment. Opening up old wounds, deep-seeded fears, realizing our own faults and weaknesses is no easy task, but if we do not want to repeat old patterns and make the same mistakes, we have to put in the work and choose to become a better person for our next spouse. I regret that I was not my best when I was married, and it is so sad that my marriage did not work out, but from my greatest failure came some of my best lessons in life. I had no idea how strong I was, and being on my own the last 7 years had taught me a great deal about myself. I have enjoyed being single, but I loved being in a committed partnership much more than words could ever express. So it is ironic that from a legal perspective, it remains my goal to stop the hemmoraging as quickly as possible, but from an emotional perspective I would encourage people not to shut down the pain, but rather work through it. Without pain, there is no gain.

Title IX Moms

Title IX, which was a key part to gaining equality for men and women, was enacted in 1972, the year I was born. As a result, I grew up always thinking of myself as equal to my male peers, and this continued even through law school. My rude awakening that we are not treated as equals did not occur until I became a mother. I've since learned that I am not alone. Today, men and women are graduating at the same rates from graduate schools and we all can go for any job we want, so who would ever think that anyone would view us differently? Well, as long as you are willing to continue to give 100% of yourself to work after motherhood, you too are in for a stark realization of how things will work in the real world after you become a mother. For the last 8 years, ever since I returned to work from my maternity leave (half of which was unpaid leave), it has been an ongoing struggle to maintain a work-life balance. It has been an incredible challenge, but it has also brought me the greatest rewards. I love being a mom, and I love being a lawyer. In this case, I want to have my cake and eat it too, and it is thanks to all the amazing women that came before me that I've been able to even attempt to maintain this delicate balancing act. Furthermore, were it not for my incredible female peers that share in this struggle, I might have lost hope that it would be possible to pursue an intense career while being a good mother. So, today on Mother's Day, I just want to thank all those that have shared their stories about being able to pursue their passions in the workforce while enjoying all the benefits that motherhood has to offer. We are Title IX babies now dealing with our own babies, proving that we can do it all. Keep up the good job ladies!