Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Are You Getting Cold Feet?

Right before any momentous occasion, it is normal to be a bit nervous, but if you find yourself paralyzed with fear as your wedding day approaches, then maybe you need to stop and take a closer look at what is really going on.  You need to find a quiet and safe place to try and figure out what is at the root of your problems, and then see if you can address them before you walk down that aisle-- even if that means postponing the event.

I know no one likes to cancel plans, but if you find that you cannot sleep, you cannot eat, and/or you find yourself dreading the thought of making any plans related to the wedding, then there is something seriously wrong.  Your heart should skip a beat when you see your beloved, but that is not the same as having heart palpitations and sweaty palms, which are signs of major distress and/or anxiety.

Arguments are common when planning a wedding-- especially when it comes to budgets.  Lots of couples have different points of views as to what is an appropriate amount to spend on the big day and/or the honeymoon, how many guests to invite, or the roles that the future in-laws should play in planning the event.  Tensions can run high, which is why we all jokingly say that it's not a real wedding without some drama.  But all that drama should be external, not internal.

If you find the fights are quite nasty or way too frequent, you need to take a step back and ask why is there so much conflict?  If the only issue is how you handle finances, well that might be easily addressed in a prenup, but if you are not communicating effectively that to me is a far more severe problem, and if you cannot get on the same page with details of just this one party, then you probably have very different values and you seriously have to question whether you really share the same vision for the future.

There is no shame in calling off a wedding-- it actually happens all the time, we just don't talk about it much, except in Hollywood.  Everyone I know that has done so always feels like they dodged a bullet and not a single person I know has ever regretted pulling the plug before it was too late, but meanwhile all of my divorce clients that ignored the warning signs before the big day have lived to regret going through with a wedding that never should have happened.

So, is it cold feet or something much bigger?  I don't know, but I bet you do-- deep down inside, your heart knows the answer (and I'm sure your close friends do too).  If it doesn't feel right, remember that there is no shame in postponing or calling it all off before it's too late.  If you are not happy during what should be one of the happiest times in your life, then there is something seriously wrong, and you'd be a fool to ignore all the signs.

Minor issues can easily be addressed, and if someone really loves you, they will give you time and help you work through things.  All those that really love you will understand and stick by your side regardless of what you decide, and if you discover an insurmountable issue before the big day, well consider yourself lucky and walk away.  It won't be easy, but believe me that unraveling things after you've tied the knot is far, far worse.  



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