Planning a Second Wedding

Fifteen years ago, I went to the DC courthouse to apply for my first marriage license at 25.  This week, I found myself walking down that same corridor and sitting in the same office waiting to get my second one.  As I waited for them to call me, I could not help but think about how different I am as a 40 year old bride-- so much wiser, calmer and totally no nonsense.  This maturity and insight has come at a hefty price, and I can only hope that it will pay off the second time around.

This time, we are doing immediate family only, and I am so much clearer about how I want things to be for us and what is really important.  While I hope people will be happy for us, I honestly don't care what they think-- I really no longer care about meeting anyone else's expectations anymore, just the ones we set for ourselves.  In this mindframe, it is quite liberating to plan this event without any input from outside forces-- no negotiating on religious beliefs or worrying about what we'll be like as parents.  We've already been there, done that.  We are who we are, and we are not having any more kids, so the pressure is truly off, and this time it is just a celebration about finding love again.

Even though this is a second wedding, there are many firsts for me-- including most importantly that I will have my brothers there, and my dad will get to give me away, now that the whole family has been reunited. I don't think I fully understood this 15 years ago, but there was definitely a hole in my heart the last go around when they were not in my life, and so it is with great joy that we will all get to share this special day together this summer.

Meanwhile, the groom here is still just coming to understand that when I say "low-key" that does not mean "no-key." At first he was a bit shocked to learn that I was hunting down some musicians and photographers for the event, but as a true sign that he's come such a long way in understanding me, the second he saw my puppy-dog eyes he just said, "whatever makes you happy honey."  If he can embrace that mantra, we will be just fine.

So it is that with the help of many friends, this event is quickly coming together, and soon I will be turning my focus towards finding that perfect dress-- but NOT your fluffy, ridiculously expensive type that you only wear once.  I refuse to waste money on things like that, or flowers that will die, or favors that no one will keep.  It is not that this day isn't special, but there are some major behind-the-scenes complexities involved with the merger of households and blending of families that deserve far more of our resources than a one-day affair.

In the end, Ive come to realize that the naive 25 year old girl with the butterflies in her stomach, who believed love would just conquer all was doomed from the beginning.  In that marriage bureau someone should have clued her in to the facts of life.   Love doesn't conquer all, and in order to have the happily-ever-after, you need to embrace two key realities: (1) no one is perfect, so you need to practice the ability to forgive and (2) the art of compromise is key to having a marriage survive.  It's taken me the last 7 years while flying solo to fully grasp these points, and now I need to try to and heed my wise godfather's advice: you are responsible for 80% of your happiness, and your groom is responsible for 20%.  I think I had those percentages reversed the first time around, but not this time.