It seems so funny to me when people use threats and say things like "take it or leave it." Really? Well, with an attitude like that, I'm most likely going to leave it-- and if we have a case together, then the fun will really begin when you get to see me in court act like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill.
Litigators are a modern day version of gladiators, and the court room is our arena. We know the rules, and we know exactly how far we can go to accomplish the outcome we seek. Mercy is rarely in our vocabulary, and the annihilation of someone's character is indeed a sport. We were gamers from an early age, and our minds were trained to identify weaknesses and strengths at warped speed. Our tongues are sharp, and the weapons we wield have slain many unwitting challengers. Are you getting a good picture of what it's like to be in court? I hope so.
Now after many years of witnessing scores of blood baths, some of us can grow weary of the pointless battles. The enlightened warriors start to pick their battles more carefully, and some of us branch out into other fields of study to find perhaps more peaceful alternatives to resolving conflict. All my colleagues in the medical and mental health fields have taught me over the last 7 years to become a more peaceful warrior, and I truly have come to enjoy that, but those who for a second think that the feisty fighter in me has died are profoundly mistaken.
Honestly, the main reasons I have spent the last several years lecturing about alternative methods of dispute resolution are: (1) I want to help my younger colleagues understand that going to battle every day is not necessary, and in fact it's healthier for us and our clients to try and avoid court; and (2) the public needs to know that court is not just costly, but it is a very unpredictable place to be, and a lot depends on your opponent and their war chest. To me, it is simply an issue of being more informed and making smart choices, and obviously the media attention proves there is an increasing demand for options that are not just cheaper, but healthier for our society as a whole.
Sadly, I admit that I still haven't found that magic wand where everyone will want to play nice and keep things amicable. So, as much as I will continue to promote mediation and settlements out of court, the reality is I will at times still find myself inside the courtroom, where sometimes I'm the one that actually has to give the ultimatums-- either take it or leave it. Easy for me to say, however, because I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Ultimatums should be used with extreme caution-- don't say it unless you mean it, and make sure you have complete immunity so that it doesn't matter to you which answer you get back. Without that immunity, only fools or gamblers make threats they can't back up. Apparently, there are a lot of those out there. All I can say, is watch out-- once hired guns are involved if you fire, there will be consequences.
For every action, there is a reaction, especially with lethal warriors around. If you want peace, avoid the threats, name-calling, and games. If you want war, game on. It really is that simple, and in the end one thing is for sure: you reap what you sow. So watch out for those ultimatums, in my world, they really do come back to bite-- with a vengeance.
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Thursday, February 27, 2014
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
4 Key Tips for Those Parting Ways
It is well known that under stress your brain is not thinking clearly, in fact psychologists refer to this as a fused brain. The connections simply are not working properly-- literally, which definitely helps explain A LOT of what I've witnessed over the past decade in my divorce cases. Thanks to my friends and colleagues in the medical field, I've come a long way in understanding my clients, so now whenever I find myself saying, "what were you thinking?" I stop and remind myself, they really are not in the right state of mind.
If you are in the process of separating and feel like you are losing control of yourself, don't worry, there are some things you can do to calm yourself down quickly, including taking deep breaths, going for a short walk, and coming up with 3 short safety phrases that will help soothe you. The more you practice doing this, the easier it will be for you to exert self-control. Over time, you may even learn to laugh at the absurdities that will undoubtedly continue to occur, but the key is you need to give it all some time.
Because your brain is not operating at 100% you may want to rely on to-do lists, this way you won't forget important tasks and you can make sure you stay focused on top priorities. These lists will continue to evolve, but there are 3 key points that lots of people brush aside when they shouldn't-- so here they are:
1. Contact Your Financial Institutions. If you are on joint bank accounts, technically you have equal access to those funds, and so you may look into freezing assets or discuss with your lawyer the option of withdrawing certain amounts so that you alone control your own money. Same goes with joint credit cards- do you really want that other person racking up debt that you will be liable for?
2. Update your will and medical directive. Do you really want your estranged spouse to inherit anything or be in the position of pulling the plug for you if you are incapacitated? Find someone you trust to be an emergency contact and update your information with your medical providers asap.
3. Get New Beneficiary Forms- Insurance companies and retirement plans all have named beneficiary forms that need to be reviewed and kept current. Again, do you really want your soon to be ex to benefit from your death? I think not, although some plans may require joint signatures to change the forms prior to a divorce.
I've seen a lot of crazy stuff in my line of work, and one thing I can say for sure about being a matrimonial lawyer in DC all these years is this: it is never a dull moment. Sometimes, when I'm off the clock and don't necessarily want to reveal what I do, I say I am in the business of crisis management or damage control. Of course, it is very easy for me to do this-- because I'm not the one impacted by the events.
So, here is final Tip #4 for those of you in the middle of a bad split: find someone with impeccable judgment to help you through the crazy times until you get to a better place where you regain full control of your faculties. I get paid to help people make the best of a bad situation-- it is my job to see the blind spots, come up with a good strategy for either settling the case or taking it to trial. When my clients cannot see things clearly, they rely on me to be their eyes and ears, not just a hired mouth piece. Your best ally is not just someone who will fight the good fight for you while you are down-- it is someone who can tell you which battles are worth letting go.
Hope these tips come in handy, and here's wishing you happier days ahead!
Namaste.
If you are in the process of separating and feel like you are losing control of yourself, don't worry, there are some things you can do to calm yourself down quickly, including taking deep breaths, going for a short walk, and coming up with 3 short safety phrases that will help soothe you. The more you practice doing this, the easier it will be for you to exert self-control. Over time, you may even learn to laugh at the absurdities that will undoubtedly continue to occur, but the key is you need to give it all some time.
Because your brain is not operating at 100% you may want to rely on to-do lists, this way you won't forget important tasks and you can make sure you stay focused on top priorities. These lists will continue to evolve, but there are 3 key points that lots of people brush aside when they shouldn't-- so here they are:
1. Contact Your Financial Institutions. If you are on joint bank accounts, technically you have equal access to those funds, and so you may look into freezing assets or discuss with your lawyer the option of withdrawing certain amounts so that you alone control your own money. Same goes with joint credit cards- do you really want that other person racking up debt that you will be liable for?
2. Update your will and medical directive. Do you really want your estranged spouse to inherit anything or be in the position of pulling the plug for you if you are incapacitated? Find someone you trust to be an emergency contact and update your information with your medical providers asap.
3. Get New Beneficiary Forms- Insurance companies and retirement plans all have named beneficiary forms that need to be reviewed and kept current. Again, do you really want your soon to be ex to benefit from your death? I think not, although some plans may require joint signatures to change the forms prior to a divorce.
I've seen a lot of crazy stuff in my line of work, and one thing I can say for sure about being a matrimonial lawyer in DC all these years is this: it is never a dull moment. Sometimes, when I'm off the clock and don't necessarily want to reveal what I do, I say I am in the business of crisis management or damage control. Of course, it is very easy for me to do this-- because I'm not the one impacted by the events.
So, here is final Tip #4 for those of you in the middle of a bad split: find someone with impeccable judgment to help you through the crazy times until you get to a better place where you regain full control of your faculties. I get paid to help people make the best of a bad situation-- it is my job to see the blind spots, come up with a good strategy for either settling the case or taking it to trial. When my clients cannot see things clearly, they rely on me to be their eyes and ears, not just a hired mouth piece. Your best ally is not just someone who will fight the good fight for you while you are down-- it is someone who can tell you which battles are worth letting go.
Hope these tips come in handy, and here's wishing you happier days ahead!
Namaste.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Use Your Time & Energy Wisely
Aside from money, there are 2 things people always claim to have in short supply: time and energy. Over time, I've learned to guard these as truly precious commodities, even more so than money. Why? Because you can always make more money, but you can't gain back time you've lost or energy that's been wasted.
This mindset should apply to all areas of life-- at work, at home and with the company you choose to keep. Over the last few years, I've been very fortunate professionally to get to the point where I can pick the projects that I want to work on, and those are the ones that I find worthy of my time and energy. Similarly at home, I have carved out huge chunks of time that I want to dedicate to my family because I know these years are precious. The fact is time is not on our side with respect to our loved ones. Those of us that are GenX are facing 2 stark realities: (1) our parents are getting up there in age and (2) our kids will soon be teenagers, who will want to spend more time with their friends, and less time with us, especially once they head off to college.
One of my strategies in life that has always served me well is to look forward into the future and then work backwards to plot out the path most likely to help me achieve my goals. At this juncture, after accepting all the inevitable realities that lie ahead in the next decade, I have made some very conscious choices: (1) make the most of my time with those that I love while I still can and (2) cut out all the negativity that tries to seep into my life. What I've found is that the stronger I remain in my resolve to guard my time and energy, the more I'm able to stick to these very simple goals.
In the end, those of us that are GenXers have at least another 20 years of work ahead of us, and when our final day comes, no one will remember us for the number of hours we have billed, and few if any will know or care about the financial wealth we amassed, but it is our loved ones, those we touched in our lifetime by giving them our time and energy, that will be our legacy. Unfortunately, most do not realize this until it is too late.
Here's hoping you will find a way to use your time and energy more wisely!
This mindset should apply to all areas of life-- at work, at home and with the company you choose to keep. Over the last few years, I've been very fortunate professionally to get to the point where I can pick the projects that I want to work on, and those are the ones that I find worthy of my time and energy. Similarly at home, I have carved out huge chunks of time that I want to dedicate to my family because I know these years are precious. The fact is time is not on our side with respect to our loved ones. Those of us that are GenX are facing 2 stark realities: (1) our parents are getting up there in age and (2) our kids will soon be teenagers, who will want to spend more time with their friends, and less time with us, especially once they head off to college.
One of my strategies in life that has always served me well is to look forward into the future and then work backwards to plot out the path most likely to help me achieve my goals. At this juncture, after accepting all the inevitable realities that lie ahead in the next decade, I have made some very conscious choices: (1) make the most of my time with those that I love while I still can and (2) cut out all the negativity that tries to seep into my life. What I've found is that the stronger I remain in my resolve to guard my time and energy, the more I'm able to stick to these very simple goals.
In the end, those of us that are GenXers have at least another 20 years of work ahead of us, and when our final day comes, no one will remember us for the number of hours we have billed, and few if any will know or care about the financial wealth we amassed, but it is our loved ones, those we touched in our lifetime by giving them our time and energy, that will be our legacy. Unfortunately, most do not realize this until it is too late.
Here's hoping you will find a way to use your time and energy more wisely!
Friday, February 21, 2014
What Should You Expect in a Divorce Consult?
It seems a lot of people are unclear about the process for setting up a consult with an attorney. From the attorney's point of view, let me just tell you that I can learn a lot in just a few seconds based on how that first phone call is conducted. Anyone who just assumes that I can talk to them on the spot or will give them free advice over the phone is not the right client for me. Those that respect boundaries and the profession understand that you need to set up a time to talk, and you should ask what the consult fee is in advance because there is quite a range, and it is your job as a client to know what you can or cannot afford.
Often times, the only thing people want is one hour of my time to hear the facts of their case, and then give them an overview of the law and legal process. Any good attorney should be able to do this within one hour-- highlight the main legal issues you need to address and explain how the legal system works. These consults should be empowering because knowledge is power-- you should leave knowing exactly what your rights and obligations are in the event of a divorce. Then, you can plan your next move.
There are 3 key fee arrangements people need to understand:
1. Free consults- These are not the norm for family law cases, unlike in other areas of law, where it might be unclear whether you have a good case, for example with a bankruptcy, personal injury, employment issues or immigration. The attorneys that handle these types of matters will usually offer a free consult precisely because it is unclear if they will be able to help you until they talk to you a bit more about your situation. However, free consults are actually rare in the legal world, where the average range for a consult is from $200-600, depending on the attorney's hourly rate.
2. Flat fees- In family law, this only applies when we know there is a certain number of hours it will take to do a specific task, for example drafting a Prenuptial Agreement or a Separation Agreement, or drafting the court documents for an uncontested divorce. The preparation of these documents is something that can be easily predicted and quantified, however, if you have a contested divorce, there is no real way to predict the costs, the time that will be spent in court, etc. As a result, flat fees will not apply to contested divorces, and you should ask what the range is for a contested case. Anyone with 10 years experience should be able to give you a range-- even though you may not like the figure.
3. Retainer Agreements- After a consult, I like to send the client a retainer agreement that s/he can review and then return when s/he is ready to proceed. This is a legally binding contract engaging an attorney's services, and they usually require an upfront deposit that can range from $1,500- $15,000 depending on the complexity and status of a case. That contract should specify the billing practices and hourly rates of those that will be providing services. Some contract attorneys just for advice and consult, without the need to enter an appearance in court. That will definitely cost less because it is the litigated cases that suck up the most resources. Now some states require those retainers to go into a trust account, most do not give the client any interest, and generally if there is money left in trust at the end of the day, it should be refunded to the client. Not all attorneys have the same billing and administrative practices, so you really need to review this agreement carefully and ask questions if you have any before you sign and send your check to the lawyer.
Hopefully, these points help clarify things for those out there seeking a consult. And just 2 more things to remember: 1) time is money, and 2) when you are talking to a lawyer, talk is NOT cheap.
Often times, the only thing people want is one hour of my time to hear the facts of their case, and then give them an overview of the law and legal process. Any good attorney should be able to do this within one hour-- highlight the main legal issues you need to address and explain how the legal system works. These consults should be empowering because knowledge is power-- you should leave knowing exactly what your rights and obligations are in the event of a divorce. Then, you can plan your next move.
There are 3 key fee arrangements people need to understand:
1. Free consults- These are not the norm for family law cases, unlike in other areas of law, where it might be unclear whether you have a good case, for example with a bankruptcy, personal injury, employment issues or immigration. The attorneys that handle these types of matters will usually offer a free consult precisely because it is unclear if they will be able to help you until they talk to you a bit more about your situation. However, free consults are actually rare in the legal world, where the average range for a consult is from $200-600, depending on the attorney's hourly rate.
2. Flat fees- In family law, this only applies when we know there is a certain number of hours it will take to do a specific task, for example drafting a Prenuptial Agreement or a Separation Agreement, or drafting the court documents for an uncontested divorce. The preparation of these documents is something that can be easily predicted and quantified, however, if you have a contested divorce, there is no real way to predict the costs, the time that will be spent in court, etc. As a result, flat fees will not apply to contested divorces, and you should ask what the range is for a contested case. Anyone with 10 years experience should be able to give you a range-- even though you may not like the figure.
3. Retainer Agreements- After a consult, I like to send the client a retainer agreement that s/he can review and then return when s/he is ready to proceed. This is a legally binding contract engaging an attorney's services, and they usually require an upfront deposit that can range from $1,500- $15,000 depending on the complexity and status of a case. That contract should specify the billing practices and hourly rates of those that will be providing services. Some contract attorneys just for advice and consult, without the need to enter an appearance in court. That will definitely cost less because it is the litigated cases that suck up the most resources. Now some states require those retainers to go into a trust account, most do not give the client any interest, and generally if there is money left in trust at the end of the day, it should be refunded to the client. Not all attorneys have the same billing and administrative practices, so you really need to review this agreement carefully and ask questions if you have any before you sign and send your check to the lawyer.
Hopefully, these points help clarify things for those out there seeking a consult. And just 2 more things to remember: 1) time is money, and 2) when you are talking to a lawyer, talk is NOT cheap.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Some Key Pointers with Online Dating
Many wonder how I've become an expert at playing 20 questions-- the answer should be obvious: every day for the last 15 years, I've talked to complete strangers about their marriages and then guided them through the divorce process. It is my job to get as much background information as possible, assess the present situation, and then help my clients develop a plan for the future they envision. My clients come from all walks of life, divorce does not discriminate in terms of socio-economic class or ethnicity. So, thanks to all my clients, I truly have learned to talk to just about anyone and understand people from diverse backgrounds.
After my own divorce a few years ago, it's really no surprise that some of games we play in the dating world came quite easily to me-- but I'll admit that even after all this time, I've never fully embraced online dating. However, I do recognize that 1 in 5 couples meet this way, and so for those of you brave enough to take on this endeavor, here are a few tips:
1. Pictures Matter- We are all visual creatures, although they say guys are much more so than women. Well if that is the case, I truly don't understand what some guys are thinking with the pictures they post. Seriously- can't you find someone, anyone to take a good picture with your shirt on? No need to put on a tux or get a professional photographer, but don't underestimate the importance of taking a nice head shot with you smiling.
2. Proof Read Your Bios- I stop reading after 2 typos, or if it looks like you've written a dissertation. Now maybe others are not so harsh, but honestly put a little effort into describing who you are and what you seek, without over-sharing. There are some basic stats we are all screening for and you should be honest with data-- especially about your relationship status, age, job, and position with respect to kids. If you want kids, or don't want kids, that is totally your prerogative, and if you have 3 kids full-time, or are enjoying your life as an empty nester, just put it out there so no one wastes any time.
3. Geography is Key- While some guys seem to really be okay traveling quite the distance for a POA, most girls are not. I am making a huge generalization here, and so of course I realize some will take issue with this statement, but the point I want to make is this: don't take it personally if someone eliminates you from the running simply because you are geographically inconvenient. Personally, if you are 20 miles outside my radius, you will just not be on my radar-- and I know I'm not alone on this one.
4. Communication- No one who is doing online dating is looking for a new pen pal. Don't give away your whole life story in the first few emails or phone calls. Seriously, you need to meet someone in person before you really disclose anything major. The point of those initial emails or a call is simply to set up a date. If you have managed to stay alive past the screening of your picture, bio and geographic location, then close the deal with a live meeting. Just pick a date, time and place that works for all- end of story. Afterwards, if all goes well, just pace yourself-- you do not need to chat every day, nor should you wait a week to follow up with someone you like.
5. Chemistry- There is no way to predict whether this will exist or not until you meet, and it may take a few dates before you can see if you enjoy each other's company and have a good banter. If you find yourself on the fence after 3 dates, ask yourself truly whether this is about you and some issues you still need to work out, or is it about the other person and something s/he said or did that has made you unsure? All I can say is that every time I have tried to let my brain over-ride my gut, I have regretted doing so. You should not have to convince yourself that someone is decent enough for you. What that really indicates is that you are perhaps tired of the games and thinking about settling. While we may be able to settle on a lot of other things in life, love is not one of them.
Online dating is hard-- it's especially tough because everyone is not playing by the same rules. Some people lie about their age, job, relationship status, and even feelings about family and kids. Unlike when you meet someone through friends, in school, or as part of your natural environment, people online may have nothing in common with you. They come from all walks of life, with all sorts of baggage, and they have zero accountability to anyone, except themselves. This is why you have to be careful, and you need to take your time letting your guard down.
In the end, I want you to have fun, but just keep this in mind; Remember how your parents warned you as a kid never to talk to strangers??? Well, please try to take that advice to heart when you are out there on the web. While there are plenty of fish in the sea, don't forget that some may be piranhas.
If there is one rule you need to follow it is this: avoid those piranhas!
After my own divorce a few years ago, it's really no surprise that some of games we play in the dating world came quite easily to me-- but I'll admit that even after all this time, I've never fully embraced online dating. However, I do recognize that 1 in 5 couples meet this way, and so for those of you brave enough to take on this endeavor, here are a few tips:
1. Pictures Matter- We are all visual creatures, although they say guys are much more so than women. Well if that is the case, I truly don't understand what some guys are thinking with the pictures they post. Seriously- can't you find someone, anyone to take a good picture with your shirt on? No need to put on a tux or get a professional photographer, but don't underestimate the importance of taking a nice head shot with you smiling.
2. Proof Read Your Bios- I stop reading after 2 typos, or if it looks like you've written a dissertation. Now maybe others are not so harsh, but honestly put a little effort into describing who you are and what you seek, without over-sharing. There are some basic stats we are all screening for and you should be honest with data-- especially about your relationship status, age, job, and position with respect to kids. If you want kids, or don't want kids, that is totally your prerogative, and if you have 3 kids full-time, or are enjoying your life as an empty nester, just put it out there so no one wastes any time.
3. Geography is Key- While some guys seem to really be okay traveling quite the distance for a POA, most girls are not. I am making a huge generalization here, and so of course I realize some will take issue with this statement, but the point I want to make is this: don't take it personally if someone eliminates you from the running simply because you are geographically inconvenient. Personally, if you are 20 miles outside my radius, you will just not be on my radar-- and I know I'm not alone on this one.
4. Communication- No one who is doing online dating is looking for a new pen pal. Don't give away your whole life story in the first few emails or phone calls. Seriously, you need to meet someone in person before you really disclose anything major. The point of those initial emails or a call is simply to set up a date. If you have managed to stay alive past the screening of your picture, bio and geographic location, then close the deal with a live meeting. Just pick a date, time and place that works for all- end of story. Afterwards, if all goes well, just pace yourself-- you do not need to chat every day, nor should you wait a week to follow up with someone you like.
5. Chemistry- There is no way to predict whether this will exist or not until you meet, and it may take a few dates before you can see if you enjoy each other's company and have a good banter. If you find yourself on the fence after 3 dates, ask yourself truly whether this is about you and some issues you still need to work out, or is it about the other person and something s/he said or did that has made you unsure? All I can say is that every time I have tried to let my brain over-ride my gut, I have regretted doing so. You should not have to convince yourself that someone is decent enough for you. What that really indicates is that you are perhaps tired of the games and thinking about settling. While we may be able to settle on a lot of other things in life, love is not one of them.
Online dating is hard-- it's especially tough because everyone is not playing by the same rules. Some people lie about their age, job, relationship status, and even feelings about family and kids. Unlike when you meet someone through friends, in school, or as part of your natural environment, people online may have nothing in common with you. They come from all walks of life, with all sorts of baggage, and they have zero accountability to anyone, except themselves. This is why you have to be careful, and you need to take your time letting your guard down.
In the end, I want you to have fun, but just keep this in mind; Remember how your parents warned you as a kid never to talk to strangers??? Well, please try to take that advice to heart when you are out there on the web. While there are plenty of fish in the sea, don't forget that some may be piranhas.
If there is one rule you need to follow it is this: avoid those piranhas!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Shifting Down is Never Easy
Not all break-ups are bad, some are actually quite civil and mutual. The same is true with divorces, but the tricky thing is that if you have kids, you can't just walk away and cease having any further contact. In fact for the rest of your lives, you will have to stay in contact, and you have to do your best to keep things amicable for the sake of the children. The problem a lot of my divorce clients face is accepting that they have lost their ranking in the other person's life, and that's because it isn't easy to shift down in a relationship, but it can be done. Here are 4 simple tips:
1. New Rules of Communication- One of the main reasons a relationship fails is because the couple failed to communicate effectively, and many developed some really bad habits in the end. Well, your new roles require new rules. Here are 4 simple ones: 1) no name calling; 2) no blame games-- don't re-hash the past, focus on the future; 3) take turns listening to each other's concerns without interruption; and 4) no threats. If someone starts to violate these rules, you hang up or walk away. Eventually if the other person wants to be heard, s/he will learn to play by the new rules.
2. Learn to Enjoy the Quiet- Going from seeing someone every day to maybe just once a week is an adjustment-- even if your interactions were unpleasant, overtime you'd gotten used to daily exchanges with another human being, and it is going to take some time to get used to days where there is pure, blissful silence. The sooner you come to enjoy your peace and quiet, the sooner you will find yourself at peace with your new situation.
3. Stop Engaging Every Day- There is no need to email, call or text your estranged spouse every day. In fact, the goal should be to only communicate when necessary about the kids. If you can get this down to once a week, that is fantastic. Even if the other person tries to engage you every day, you just need to set your limit and only respond once a week. If you stay the course, the other person should eventually learn to respect your new boundaries.
4. Find Something to Fill the Void- You are definitely going to miss having someone (especially your kids) in your daily life, and it may take a while before you find a new love interest, so find something to fill that void. Sign up for a class, join a gym, recruit friends to go out with you, or take up a hobby. There are tons of things to do to occupy your time, stimulate your brain, and get you engaged with others.
Eventually, things should calm down. It may take 1-2 years for everyone to get used to their new roles and living separate lives, but if you both stay the course and follow these tips, you should be fine. More importantly, your kids will have learned a valuable life lesson: some relationships just won't work out, but it doesn't have to be nasty in the end. You can disengage with dignity and grace-- and while not easy, I believe where there is a will you find a way.
1. New Rules of Communication- One of the main reasons a relationship fails is because the couple failed to communicate effectively, and many developed some really bad habits in the end. Well, your new roles require new rules. Here are 4 simple ones: 1) no name calling; 2) no blame games-- don't re-hash the past, focus on the future; 3) take turns listening to each other's concerns without interruption; and 4) no threats. If someone starts to violate these rules, you hang up or walk away. Eventually if the other person wants to be heard, s/he will learn to play by the new rules.
2. Learn to Enjoy the Quiet- Going from seeing someone every day to maybe just once a week is an adjustment-- even if your interactions were unpleasant, overtime you'd gotten used to daily exchanges with another human being, and it is going to take some time to get used to days where there is pure, blissful silence. The sooner you come to enjoy your peace and quiet, the sooner you will find yourself at peace with your new situation.
3. Stop Engaging Every Day- There is no need to email, call or text your estranged spouse every day. In fact, the goal should be to only communicate when necessary about the kids. If you can get this down to once a week, that is fantastic. Even if the other person tries to engage you every day, you just need to set your limit and only respond once a week. If you stay the course, the other person should eventually learn to respect your new boundaries.
4. Find Something to Fill the Void- You are definitely going to miss having someone (especially your kids) in your daily life, and it may take a while before you find a new love interest, so find something to fill that void. Sign up for a class, join a gym, recruit friends to go out with you, or take up a hobby. There are tons of things to do to occupy your time, stimulate your brain, and get you engaged with others.
Eventually, things should calm down. It may take 1-2 years for everyone to get used to their new roles and living separate lives, but if you both stay the course and follow these tips, you should be fine. More importantly, your kids will have learned a valuable life lesson: some relationships just won't work out, but it doesn't have to be nasty in the end. You can disengage with dignity and grace-- and while not easy, I believe where there is a will you find a way.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Don't Ignore the Money Talks
Just as a company without a viable operating budget will not last long, the same I believe is true for couples. In fact, the stats show that over 50% of businesses fail within their first 5 years, and over 50% of marriages fail within their first 7 years-- coincidence? I think not.
If you don't have sufficient income to meet your expenses, this is a huge problem, and it will undoubtedly cause a ton of stress in your life. If you are part of a real partnership, there is no need to feel like you have to take this all on yourself. Be honest and communicate your concerns with each other. For your relationship to work, you have to be able to play off each other's strengths and feel like you are a team with each challenge that arises, and money is a huge one for most families.
Ignoring difficult money talks and/or borrowing from credit are simply delay tactics, not real solutions. Sadly, every day in my divorce cases I have to re-train people to balance their own budgets and live within their means, and often their problems are compounded by years of accumulating debt without any real financial plan in place. Sometimes, bankruptcy (which is the option of last resort) is really is the only option-- and the more I have witnessed these financial train wrecks in the last few years, the more adamant I've become about trying to change people's mindsets about money, before it is too late.
When I'm "off the clock," I try to do my part by teaching my son, and his peers through Junior Achievement, about financial literacy and being fiscally responsible. Hopefully, by learning these key concepts at an early age, they will be more apt to have honest discussions with their life partners about money and maintaining a realistic household budget. As for the grown-ups, I believe it's never too late to start trying to kick some bad habits. Here's a helpful link to my recent interview with Peter Kenny of Merrill Lynch about the importance of financial planning for couples:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgkWkU-6Rgg
If you don't have sufficient income to meet your expenses, this is a huge problem, and it will undoubtedly cause a ton of stress in your life. If you are part of a real partnership, there is no need to feel like you have to take this all on yourself. Be honest and communicate your concerns with each other. For your relationship to work, you have to be able to play off each other's strengths and feel like you are a team with each challenge that arises, and money is a huge one for most families.
Ignoring difficult money talks and/or borrowing from credit are simply delay tactics, not real solutions. Sadly, every day in my divorce cases I have to re-train people to balance their own budgets and live within their means, and often their problems are compounded by years of accumulating debt without any real financial plan in place. Sometimes, bankruptcy (which is the option of last resort) is really is the only option-- and the more I have witnessed these financial train wrecks in the last few years, the more adamant I've become about trying to change people's mindsets about money, before it is too late.
When I'm "off the clock," I try to do my part by teaching my son, and his peers through Junior Achievement, about financial literacy and being fiscally responsible. Hopefully, by learning these key concepts at an early age, they will be more apt to have honest discussions with their life partners about money and maintaining a realistic household budget. As for the grown-ups, I believe it's never too late to start trying to kick some bad habits. Here's a helpful link to my recent interview with Peter Kenny of Merrill Lynch about the importance of financial planning for couples:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgkWkU-6Rgg
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