Are you a divorced parent over the age of 40 and dating? Welcome to the party-- with the right attitude, you will have a blast because now (1) pressure is off to get married; (2) no need to have more kids; and (3) hopefully you are at a point in your career and with your finances, that you can enjoy a little bit more in life. So here's the deal, don't play Russian Roulette out there and risk wrecking everything.
Thanks to modern medicine, there's a lot we can do to minimize our risks while still having fun. Not only can guys now have a laproscopic vasectomy, but women can also have their tubes blocked in an out-patient procedure that takes less than 1 hour. Many might have this covered through insurance, and if not, my understanding is that these options cost less than $3,000. Obviously you need to check with your own medical provider and insurance carrier for full details, but I see these sterilization options as a fantastic solution for both men and women out there dating, who don't want to destabilize some key parts of their lives.
The truth is that as much as I love kids, I am astounded by how much they cost to raise, with some studies suggesting the national average is over $100,000 in the first 16 years-- and I would easily double that figure for those in the DC Area. This of course presumes you are not paying $25,000 or more for year for those private schools in town. Seriously, just do the math and you'll soon see that really it takes a fortune to raise a child, and the financial picture is even grimmer if you are maintaining 2 separate homes and perhaps paying as much as 1/3 of your income in child support.
Birth control is not fool-proof, and accidents can happen, so why take any chances? If you are over 40 and 100% sure that you want to close that baby factory, talk to your doctor-- and your friends. An overwhelming number of people I know have been "fixed," and they will very openly and honestly tell you about the process, including the quick recovery time.
As we start to talk to our own kids about safe sex, don't you think we should really practice what we preach??? I think we can all agree that preventing an unwanted pregnancy is far easier (and smarter) than dealing with the very difficult and controversial choice to terminate one. No need to worry about a "Plan B" when you've got Plan A fully executed.
Just some food for thought based on my interview in December 2013 with the DC Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. (That, along with 50 other videos are all on my Youtube Channel: GenXSmartie.)
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Thursday, January 30, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
5 Key Points to Consider in a Divorce
Divorce Corp. hits theaters this weekend, and according to how they depict the problem in the trailers and on CNN, it seems they are trying to blame the attorneys and suggest that the legal system is somehow being unjust. To set the record straight, putting all emotions aside for a moment, in the legal world there are really four key issues that need to be addressed in a divorce:
1. Custody- (1) What schedule will you follow for sharing the kids? (2) How will you make major decisions about their welfare-- education, medical care, etc.?
2. Child Support- How will you both contribute towards the children's expenses? Thankfully, there are guidelines that each state follows, and most are available online. Generally, the formulas take into account (1) the income of each party; (2) the health insurance cost for the child; (3) work-related daycare/aftercare expenses; and (4) the time-sharing arrangement. This should be straight-forward, except when someone is self-employed or under-employed-- that is when things can get murky.
3. Alimony- If someone needs support, and the other has a demonstrated ability to pay, then there really are just 2 questions we need to answer: (1) what is the amount needed and (2) for how long? Some states have guidelines that they use for alimony calculations, others may want to refer to the formula proposed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (www.aaml.org).
4. Property Division- How are you going to split up the assets (and debt) accumulated during the marriage?
Of course, the more you want to fight about these issues, the more it's going to cost. After you consult an attorney regarding your rights and obligations, you normally have 3 choices: Mediation, Litigation or Collaboration. In all three processes, the goal is the same-- to address the 4 main legal issues stated above and get you divorced. The average length of time ranges from 6 months to 2 years, and if you do wind up with a trial here's a sobering fact: the national average is about $20,000 per side in legal fees.
This brings me to Key Point #5: how are you going to pay for the divorce? 68% of American households lack a real emergency fund, and the average family is carrying about $15,000 of credit card debt, meanwhile the average household income in the DC Area is about $88,000. Simple math shows you that there is no way the average divorce costs $50,000 as suggested by Dr. Drew on CNN-- now perhaps he means litigated divorces, and I would bet that average is driven way up by the cases we call "high conflict" like the one in Texas last year that cost $7.4 Million.
The harsh truth is most Americans are not going to be able to afford a litigated divorce-- but maybe that sobering reality is what leads most couples heading towards a divorce to work out an amicable agreement outside of court. According to Dr. Emery's research over 2/3 of divorced couples are either amicable or can cooperatively co-parent. (Dr. Emery is the head of UVA's Psychology Dept. and author of several books, including The Truth About Children and Divorce). It is indeed my experience over the last 15 years that less than 20% of cases actually go to trial.
It is unfortunate that some have chosen to blame the divorce industry for making the court process so expensive, when in fact most of us in the industry have found that it is the clients driven by anger and revenge that drive up their own legal fees.
The sooner people accept that perhaps having their day in court is NOT the best end game, perhaps the sooner they can begin to focus on addressing the 4 key legal issues in a reasonable manner, and this way put their legal matters to rest without committing financial suicide.
1. Custody- (1) What schedule will you follow for sharing the kids? (2) How will you make major decisions about their welfare-- education, medical care, etc.?
2. Child Support- How will you both contribute towards the children's expenses? Thankfully, there are guidelines that each state follows, and most are available online. Generally, the formulas take into account (1) the income of each party; (2) the health insurance cost for the child; (3) work-related daycare/aftercare expenses; and (4) the time-sharing arrangement. This should be straight-forward, except when someone is self-employed or under-employed-- that is when things can get murky.
3. Alimony- If someone needs support, and the other has a demonstrated ability to pay, then there really are just 2 questions we need to answer: (1) what is the amount needed and (2) for how long? Some states have guidelines that they use for alimony calculations, others may want to refer to the formula proposed by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (www.aaml.org).
4. Property Division- How are you going to split up the assets (and debt) accumulated during the marriage?
Of course, the more you want to fight about these issues, the more it's going to cost. After you consult an attorney regarding your rights and obligations, you normally have 3 choices: Mediation, Litigation or Collaboration. In all three processes, the goal is the same-- to address the 4 main legal issues stated above and get you divorced. The average length of time ranges from 6 months to 2 years, and if you do wind up with a trial here's a sobering fact: the national average is about $20,000 per side in legal fees.
This brings me to Key Point #5: how are you going to pay for the divorce? 68% of American households lack a real emergency fund, and the average family is carrying about $15,000 of credit card debt, meanwhile the average household income in the DC Area is about $88,000. Simple math shows you that there is no way the average divorce costs $50,000 as suggested by Dr. Drew on CNN-- now perhaps he means litigated divorces, and I would bet that average is driven way up by the cases we call "high conflict" like the one in Texas last year that cost $7.4 Million.
The harsh truth is most Americans are not going to be able to afford a litigated divorce-- but maybe that sobering reality is what leads most couples heading towards a divorce to work out an amicable agreement outside of court. According to Dr. Emery's research over 2/3 of divorced couples are either amicable or can cooperatively co-parent. (Dr. Emery is the head of UVA's Psychology Dept. and author of several books, including The Truth About Children and Divorce). It is indeed my experience over the last 15 years that less than 20% of cases actually go to trial.
It is unfortunate that some have chosen to blame the divorce industry for making the court process so expensive, when in fact most of us in the industry have found that it is the clients driven by anger and revenge that drive up their own legal fees.
The sooner people accept that perhaps having their day in court is NOT the best end game, perhaps the sooner they can begin to focus on addressing the 4 key legal issues in a reasonable manner, and this way put their legal matters to rest without committing financial suicide.
Watch Out for the Seven Deadly Sins
Some days, I feel more like a priest than a lawyer, as people step into my office and confess all their sins, or those committed by their partners. Of course, unlike a priest, I cannot absolve them of all these acts, which have turned their home into a House of Horrors. All I can do is help them plan an escape.
The tell-tales signs that it is time to go are always the same: (1) a loss of respect and (2) lack of trust. Without these 2 pillars, love will come crashing down like a house of cards. Interestingly enough, the actions that lead to the demise of a marriage are always the same, and can easily be summed up as the 7 Deadly Sins, which Pope Gregory the Great identified as follows:
1. Pride
2. Envy
3. Anger
4. Sloth
5. Greed
6. Gluttony
7. Lust
You don't have to be a Christian to appreciate how these sins (defined by the Pope as offenses against love) would poison any positive feelings you may have once felt towards another human being. The Pope actually ranked them in terms of severity (with #1 being the worst), and the rank correlates with the degree of fixation an individual exhibits with him/herself and a corresponding decrease in concern for others. In today's vocabulary we would say the more narcissistic someone is, the less likely they will be to maintain a loving relationship, and that is in fact proving to be the case with the divorces I see every day.
While I firmly believe that most people are not totally self-absorbed or corrupt, it does seem that as we climb up that socio-economic ladder and amass power, we face increasing temptations. These days, it is very easy to become focused on your individual goals and lose sight of the world around you-- especially for those keen on joining the ranks of the top One Percent. (For those interested in a glimpse of that world, and how it is no picnic, I highly recommend the documentary by J. Johnson "One Percent.")
Staying on top can become an obsession, and it is easy to see how the higher you climb, the greater the fear of falling. Coping with stress is a skill that must be practiced daily, and unfortunately most go for the quick fix of numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol or other reckless acts. They don't see this as a path to self-destruction.
Little did I know back in 1995 when I watched the movie "Seven" with Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow that I would be stuck dealing with these Seven Deadly Sins on a daily basis. The fact is these 7 transgressions are not always so obvious or severe, and they can certainly vary widely in degrees. But, overtime they create a perfect storm, and if you ignore the initial warning signs, that storm will destroy your love and tear down your home.
Not a sermon, just a thought. :)
The tell-tales signs that it is time to go are always the same: (1) a loss of respect and (2) lack of trust. Without these 2 pillars, love will come crashing down like a house of cards. Interestingly enough, the actions that lead to the demise of a marriage are always the same, and can easily be summed up as the 7 Deadly Sins, which Pope Gregory the Great identified as follows:
1. Pride
2. Envy
3. Anger
4. Sloth
5. Greed
6. Gluttony
7. Lust
You don't have to be a Christian to appreciate how these sins (defined by the Pope as offenses against love) would poison any positive feelings you may have once felt towards another human being. The Pope actually ranked them in terms of severity (with #1 being the worst), and the rank correlates with the degree of fixation an individual exhibits with him/herself and a corresponding decrease in concern for others. In today's vocabulary we would say the more narcissistic someone is, the less likely they will be to maintain a loving relationship, and that is in fact proving to be the case with the divorces I see every day.
While I firmly believe that most people are not totally self-absorbed or corrupt, it does seem that as we climb up that socio-economic ladder and amass power, we face increasing temptations. These days, it is very easy to become focused on your individual goals and lose sight of the world around you-- especially for those keen on joining the ranks of the top One Percent. (For those interested in a glimpse of that world, and how it is no picnic, I highly recommend the documentary by J. Johnson "One Percent.")
Staying on top can become an obsession, and it is easy to see how the higher you climb, the greater the fear of falling. Coping with stress is a skill that must be practiced daily, and unfortunately most go for the quick fix of numbing the pain with drugs and alcohol or other reckless acts. They don't see this as a path to self-destruction.
Little did I know back in 1995 when I watched the movie "Seven" with Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow that I would be stuck dealing with these Seven Deadly Sins on a daily basis. The fact is these 7 transgressions are not always so obvious or severe, and they can certainly vary widely in degrees. But, overtime they create a perfect storm, and if you ignore the initial warning signs, that storm will destroy your love and tear down your home.
Not a sermon, just a thought. :)
Monday, January 27, 2014
Talking to Kids About Drugs & Violence
In the last few weeks, there have been some interesting discussions in my home as a result of the news, thank you Justin Bieber & Co. Here's a glimpse of our Q&A:
Q: Why do people do drugs? Answer: To numb the pain.
Q: Why would a star feel pain? Answer: There's immense pressure to stay on top.
Q: Why is there so much violence? Answer: Because people are angry.
Q: Why are so many people angry? Answer: In my opinion, because of the increasingly outrageous disparity between the rich and poor.
Over the last 30 years, while we've undoubtedly seen the standard of living of the poor improve, the fact is the middle class is struggling to recover from all the hits we took in the Great Recession, meanwhile the rich have never had a more concentrated level of wealth like this since the Great Depression. Seriously, according to a recent article in the Atlantic, the 85 wealthiest families have as much wealth as the poorest 3 Billion combined. Hopefully, I am not the only one that wanted to throw up after reading that article.
While the media tries to "search for answers," I think parents need to step up and help our kids face some harsh realities. We have to accept that thanks to modern technology, in a post 9/11 world, our kids simply will not grow up as naively as we did. Schools are no longer immune to danger, and without teaching our kids to discipline their emotions, tempers will continue to flair, precisely because the disparity of people's lifestyles has never been more apparent, and the extravagant decadence of the top 1% can be infuriating to those that feel disenfranchised and/or have lost hope in the American dream.
I'm getting off my soapbox now, and leave you with this interview I did recently with a local mental health expert, Steven Stein, who shared some tips with parents about understanding a child's emotional thermometer, and how we can talk to kids about violence:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGE7XlkqKwY
Q: Why do people do drugs? Answer: To numb the pain.
Q: Why would a star feel pain? Answer: There's immense pressure to stay on top.
Q: Why is there so much violence? Answer: Because people are angry.
Q: Why are so many people angry? Answer: In my opinion, because of the increasingly outrageous disparity between the rich and poor.
Over the last 30 years, while we've undoubtedly seen the standard of living of the poor improve, the fact is the middle class is struggling to recover from all the hits we took in the Great Recession, meanwhile the rich have never had a more concentrated level of wealth like this since the Great Depression. Seriously, according to a recent article in the Atlantic, the 85 wealthiest families have as much wealth as the poorest 3 Billion combined. Hopefully, I am not the only one that wanted to throw up after reading that article.
While the media tries to "search for answers," I think parents need to step up and help our kids face some harsh realities. We have to accept that thanks to modern technology, in a post 9/11 world, our kids simply will not grow up as naively as we did. Schools are no longer immune to danger, and without teaching our kids to discipline their emotions, tempers will continue to flair, precisely because the disparity of people's lifestyles has never been more apparent, and the extravagant decadence of the top 1% can be infuriating to those that feel disenfranchised and/or have lost hope in the American dream.
I'm getting off my soapbox now, and leave you with this interview I did recently with a local mental health expert, Steven Stein, who shared some tips with parents about understanding a child's emotional thermometer, and how we can talk to kids about violence:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pGE7XlkqKwY
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Think Like a Man, But Act Like a Lady
Generally speaking, guys think women are super complicated and very emotional. Generally speaking, I happen to agree with them, although there are always some exceptions. So, every day I have to teach people to stop telling me about their feelings and stick to the facts. It's not that I don't care about feelings, it's just that in the legal world we see that emotions cloud judgment, and we are bound to uphold an objective standard of fairness, not one person's opinion of what is right or wrong.
In litigation, which is a field dominated by men (or women who think like men), we care about evidence and facts. If you are going to accuse someone of anything- what do you have to support your position? In settlement talks, we focus on solving the present issue, not re-hashing the past. In court, where it is a battle of wits, the winner is not the one who shouts the loudest, but rather the one who can articulate his/her points most eloquently.
Outside the courtroom, I've found the same principles apply-- if I present my case in a calm, logical manner, guys will listen. With men, the delivery of your message matters A LOT.
-If you make a request (not a demand) they will want to help because they enjoy being Mr. Fix It.
-If you seek their input (and don't try impose your opinion) they will share their thoughts on a variety of issues.
-If you explain why you might be upset (instead of just acting out like a 3 year old) they will apologize and try to make things better.
Meanwhile, if you come across as some demanding nag, shrew or volatile bitch, it is game over. They will just shut down, and although you may think you've won the battle, you don't see that you are losing the war because inside, they are retreating. Your emotions are repelling them, and with each emotional outburst, you are pushing them farther and farther away.
I whole-heartedly admit that I'm siding with the guys here-- women (and some incredibly emotional men) need to discipline their emotions. Try to picture yourself like Jackie O or Grace Kelly, and act accordingly, no matter how trying the situation may be. Here is why: for those of us that are genetically pre-disposed to be hunters, we focus most of our attention on making sure there is food and shelter, and after that, we just want to have some fun. It's not going to play well if you threaten or want to trap us, because we know we can fend for ourselves. We don't need to be with anyone, instead we are with someone simply because we desire his/her company. If something ceases to be fun, sooner or later we'll find it's time to move on.
So, ladies, if you want to keep your guy, you need to think more like one:
(1) Focus first on providing for yourself, and don't chase after a bone. There are plenty of Richards out there.
(2) Have fun, and don't ever mistake a boy-toy for anything more than what he is-- remember, you don't ever have to buy the pig for a little sausage. :)
(3) Discipline those emotions, and make women like Lady Di proud!
In litigation, which is a field dominated by men (or women who think like men), we care about evidence and facts. If you are going to accuse someone of anything- what do you have to support your position? In settlement talks, we focus on solving the present issue, not re-hashing the past. In court, where it is a battle of wits, the winner is not the one who shouts the loudest, but rather the one who can articulate his/her points most eloquently.
Outside the courtroom, I've found the same principles apply-- if I present my case in a calm, logical manner, guys will listen. With men, the delivery of your message matters A LOT.
-If you make a request (not a demand) they will want to help because they enjoy being Mr. Fix It.
-If you seek their input (and don't try impose your opinion) they will share their thoughts on a variety of issues.
-If you explain why you might be upset (instead of just acting out like a 3 year old) they will apologize and try to make things better.
Meanwhile, if you come across as some demanding nag, shrew or volatile bitch, it is game over. They will just shut down, and although you may think you've won the battle, you don't see that you are losing the war because inside, they are retreating. Your emotions are repelling them, and with each emotional outburst, you are pushing them farther and farther away.
I whole-heartedly admit that I'm siding with the guys here-- women (and some incredibly emotional men) need to discipline their emotions. Try to picture yourself like Jackie O or Grace Kelly, and act accordingly, no matter how trying the situation may be. Here is why: for those of us that are genetically pre-disposed to be hunters, we focus most of our attention on making sure there is food and shelter, and after that, we just want to have some fun. It's not going to play well if you threaten or want to trap us, because we know we can fend for ourselves. We don't need to be with anyone, instead we are with someone simply because we desire his/her company. If something ceases to be fun, sooner or later we'll find it's time to move on.
So, ladies, if you want to keep your guy, you need to think more like one:
(1) Focus first on providing for yourself, and don't chase after a bone. There are plenty of Richards out there.
(2) Have fun, and don't ever mistake a boy-toy for anything more than what he is-- remember, you don't ever have to buy the pig for a little sausage. :)
(3) Discipline those emotions, and make women like Lady Di proud!
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Stop the Madness- Learn to Disengage
A few years ago, I went to a wonderful seminar by Bill Eddy, who is the founder of the High Conflict Institute and author of many insightful books on how to deal with high conflict personalities (HCPs").
What I love most about my work as a divorce lawyer is watching someone transform into a butterfly as they find freedom and learn to fly on their own with their new wings. Unfortunately, many will falter for a while because they are unable to disengage with their spouse, who may well be an HCP. And so it is no secret that the worst part of my job is dealing with these HCPs, which are defined as people with (often undiagnosed) personality disorders that cannot simply be cured by popping some happy pills.
Here are the 4 to watch out for, as I would describe them (remember I'm not a LCSW):
1. Narcissists- totally self absorbed, can't empathize at all with others;
2. Borderlines- severe attachment issues;
3. Anti-socials- truly can't distinguish between right and wrong; and
4. Histrionics- addicted to drama.
Honestly, I knew nothing about HCPs when I graduated law school, and it wasn't until I started seeing some CRAZY behavior that I started researching more about psychology (which sadly is not a required course in law school.) Turns out, according to an NIH study about 20% of our population consists of HCPs, and I would like to proffer that in the DC Area we seem to have a much more concentrated level of them!
Over time, thanks to people like Bill Eddy, I learned to cope with the HCPS both in and out of court, not out of natural curiosity, but truly out of necessity. Studies sadly prove that an overwhelming number of our "high conflict cases" involve these HCPs, which means you can't be a litigator and avoid these individuals. At least once the trial is over, I can close the file and walk away from the whole mess, but for those with kids now getting divorced from an HCP, this will be a life-long battle to create boundaries and disengage. Here are 10 key points I'd share with them:
1. Not every email/call/text requires a response.
2. You don't have to respond to every accusation or insult.
3. No is a sufficient answer. You don't always have to explain yourself.
4. Take deep breaths, go for a walk and clear your mind before engaging.
5. Someone has to rank in your life to expect an instant response.
6. It is ok to block someone that is harassing you, or limit their communications.
7. Do not allow them to drive you crazy-- you alone are in control of your emotions.
8. Remind yourself that you are a good person, who is worthy of love.
9. Find hope through others that life is actually beautiful, despite dark moments; and
10. Believe in karma.
I cannot emphasize enough how key it is to preserve your inner peace, especially with HCPs. Don't let them drag you down. Don't let them destroy your spirit. And above all, don't blame yourself for pairing up with such a jerk. Most of us marry when we are so young-- and seriously how many of us study psychology or ask someone to undergo a psycho-analysis before walking down the aisle?
If you find yourself currently in the position of unraveling your marriage with an HCP, truly you have my utmost condolences. This is not going to be an easy process, which has a tendency to bring out the worst in these people. But the sooner you learn to disengage, the better. In the meantime, get some emotional support, read up on HCPs, and go build some new alliances both professionally and personally, to help you through this difficult journey.
What I love most about my work as a divorce lawyer is watching someone transform into a butterfly as they find freedom and learn to fly on their own with their new wings. Unfortunately, many will falter for a while because they are unable to disengage with their spouse, who may well be an HCP. And so it is no secret that the worst part of my job is dealing with these HCPs, which are defined as people with (often undiagnosed) personality disorders that cannot simply be cured by popping some happy pills.
Here are the 4 to watch out for, as I would describe them (remember I'm not a LCSW):
1. Narcissists- totally self absorbed, can't empathize at all with others;
2. Borderlines- severe attachment issues;
3. Anti-socials- truly can't distinguish between right and wrong; and
4. Histrionics- addicted to drama.
Honestly, I knew nothing about HCPs when I graduated law school, and it wasn't until I started seeing some CRAZY behavior that I started researching more about psychology (which sadly is not a required course in law school.) Turns out, according to an NIH study about 20% of our population consists of HCPs, and I would like to proffer that in the DC Area we seem to have a much more concentrated level of them!
Over time, thanks to people like Bill Eddy, I learned to cope with the HCPS both in and out of court, not out of natural curiosity, but truly out of necessity. Studies sadly prove that an overwhelming number of our "high conflict cases" involve these HCPs, which means you can't be a litigator and avoid these individuals. At least once the trial is over, I can close the file and walk away from the whole mess, but for those with kids now getting divorced from an HCP, this will be a life-long battle to create boundaries and disengage. Here are 10 key points I'd share with them:
1. Not every email/call/text requires a response.
2. You don't have to respond to every accusation or insult.
3. No is a sufficient answer. You don't always have to explain yourself.
4. Take deep breaths, go for a walk and clear your mind before engaging.
5. Someone has to rank in your life to expect an instant response.
6. It is ok to block someone that is harassing you, or limit their communications.
7. Do not allow them to drive you crazy-- you alone are in control of your emotions.
8. Remind yourself that you are a good person, who is worthy of love.
9. Find hope through others that life is actually beautiful, despite dark moments; and
10. Believe in karma.
I cannot emphasize enough how key it is to preserve your inner peace, especially with HCPs. Don't let them drag you down. Don't let them destroy your spirit. And above all, don't blame yourself for pairing up with such a jerk. Most of us marry when we are so young-- and seriously how many of us study psychology or ask someone to undergo a psycho-analysis before walking down the aisle?
If you find yourself currently in the position of unraveling your marriage with an HCP, truly you have my utmost condolences. This is not going to be an easy process, which has a tendency to bring out the worst in these people. But the sooner you learn to disengage, the better. In the meantime, get some emotional support, read up on HCPs, and go build some new alliances both professionally and personally, to help you through this difficult journey.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Every Rose Does Have Its Thorn
No, I'm not a huge Poison fan, never was, but I do remember when the song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" came out, and that line has always stuck with me because it is just so true.
Everyone to me is like a rose in the beginning-- especially on a first date, when we are all on our best behavior. But here is what I always know-- sooner or later, no matter how beautiful that rose may be, you will hit a thorn. The key to understanding why this happens is that we all have a vulnerable side, and usually it's when you hit that spot that you see someone become like a porcupine-- that prickliness is his/her protective mechanism.
Now, I'm not suggesting you jump in the sack with every porcupine you encounter, but what I am proposing is cutting each other a little slack in the beginning. If someone says or does something that makes you pause, try to either ask what that is about or file the incident away for review at a later date. When you are dating, your mission is to gather information, and it's critical not to pass judgment too quickly until you have enough data. Of course, this assumes you've found an intellectual connection and some chemistry, because if you don't have that it is just game over, no need to waste anyone's time (or money.)
Visuals often help, so in dating here is an easy one to remember: picture a child plucking at the petals of a rose, except rather than asking yourself whether that person loves you or loves you not, what you need to ask is whether you love them as you learn more about their inner being. The fact is the real thorns are never easily visible, they are hidden deep inside and surface slowly.
The final point I want to make is that we all have past wounds, and some people will remain scarred by these injuries for life, while others will use the experiences to just grow stronger and take no prisoners going forward. With those that have been deeply wounded, they may simply no longer have the capacity to let anyone in. This is not about you, it is about their own issues.
Life is all about choices, and we each get free will to define our own existence. So, if someone has made the choice to allow their own spirit to break, it is NOT your job or duty to try and fix that. If you keep running into thorns, and you feel like the person you once melted over has now become a thorn on your side, just remember that line-- every rose has its thorn.
If I had a thorn stuck to my side, there would be no hesitation in pulling it out. The real question is what to do with the rose? Only you can decide if that rose is worth keeping.
Everyone to me is like a rose in the beginning-- especially on a first date, when we are all on our best behavior. But here is what I always know-- sooner or later, no matter how beautiful that rose may be, you will hit a thorn. The key to understanding why this happens is that we all have a vulnerable side, and usually it's when you hit that spot that you see someone become like a porcupine-- that prickliness is his/her protective mechanism.
Now, I'm not suggesting you jump in the sack with every porcupine you encounter, but what I am proposing is cutting each other a little slack in the beginning. If someone says or does something that makes you pause, try to either ask what that is about or file the incident away for review at a later date. When you are dating, your mission is to gather information, and it's critical not to pass judgment too quickly until you have enough data. Of course, this assumes you've found an intellectual connection and some chemistry, because if you don't have that it is just game over, no need to waste anyone's time (or money.)
Visuals often help, so in dating here is an easy one to remember: picture a child plucking at the petals of a rose, except rather than asking yourself whether that person loves you or loves you not, what you need to ask is whether you love them as you learn more about their inner being. The fact is the real thorns are never easily visible, they are hidden deep inside and surface slowly.
The final point I want to make is that we all have past wounds, and some people will remain scarred by these injuries for life, while others will use the experiences to just grow stronger and take no prisoners going forward. With those that have been deeply wounded, they may simply no longer have the capacity to let anyone in. This is not about you, it is about their own issues.
Life is all about choices, and we each get free will to define our own existence. So, if someone has made the choice to allow their own spirit to break, it is NOT your job or duty to try and fix that. If you keep running into thorns, and you feel like the person you once melted over has now become a thorn on your side, just remember that line-- every rose has its thorn.
If I had a thorn stuck to my side, there would be no hesitation in pulling it out. The real question is what to do with the rose? Only you can decide if that rose is worth keeping.
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