After 27 years, my brother finally got to spend a week getting to know his big sister and little nephew. We were thrilled to have him visit us and show him around DC. We got to take in many of the sites, and do fun things that we have missed out on all these years. It was an incredible, life-altering experience, that will last with me forever, but I understand that to fully process what just happened will take some time.
My situation is perhaps a bit extreme, but many of us in our lifetime will have an incredibly emotional experience that will require us to slow down from our normal routine way of life in order to allow our brains to think through our feelings and any new information gleaned from the situation at hand.
It is sadly my experience that men do not allow themselves much time to decompress. Most men I know simply unwind by watching a movie in silence or vegging out in front of the tv. Meanwhile, women are much better about planning trips to the spa, a Girls Night Out with friends, making time to go to the gym, write in a journal or just pull out a box of tissues and have a good cry. But, in relationships with men, they often want to talk about something upsetting right away, they can be very clingy, and often they suffocate a relationship by not allowing the other the space he needs to work things out in his own head.
For relationships to thrive, I think it is important to understand that we all process information and emotions at different rates and in a variety of ways. We need to be sensitive to each other's needs, be honest with one another when we need space or time on our own, repect our differences and encourage our partners to be kind to themselves, without passing judgment on how we may each choose to unwind.
My brother and I are not wired the same, and I think many people were concerned about how we would get along this week, but by being open and honest with each other about our needs and respecting each other's boundaries, we got through an incredibly emotional week together with a far deeper sense of understanding and love than I ever could have imagined.
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Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
The Importance of Sharing Stories
One of my friends told me the other day how much he admired my courage in sharing my story about finding my family. Without hesitating, I responded that it had nothing to do with courage-- to me there is no other justification for the long and difficult journey I had to travel unless I could live to tell the tale and hopefully inspire others in their own lives.
Throughout life what I have enjoyed the most are people's stories. You have all taught me so much by sharing your experiences with me. Granted, in my professional life, I hear some of the sadest tales ever, and yet I am filled with hope as my clients manage to put the past behind them, overcome their sorrows, and look to the future with the promise of better days ahead. I think my own father said it best, "life is not easy, but you have to keep fighting." Recently, my own brother told me the same thing.
In order to find the strength to keep moving forward, sometimes we all need a little help and inspiration. I used to think I had to be a self-sufficient island, but I have humbly learned these past few years that I cannot do everything alone. We need each other-- both to share in moments of joy and help cope with life's sorrows. By sharing our stories with others, we can hopefully gain a better understanding of one another and learn from each other's mistakes and success stories. Our stories bind us, and together we can help make the journey that lies ahead seem far less daunting and lonely.
Throughout life what I have enjoyed the most are people's stories. You have all taught me so much by sharing your experiences with me. Granted, in my professional life, I hear some of the sadest tales ever, and yet I am filled with hope as my clients manage to put the past behind them, overcome their sorrows, and look to the future with the promise of better days ahead. I think my own father said it best, "life is not easy, but you have to keep fighting." Recently, my own brother told me the same thing.
In order to find the strength to keep moving forward, sometimes we all need a little help and inspiration. I used to think I had to be a self-sufficient island, but I have humbly learned these past few years that I cannot do everything alone. We need each other-- both to share in moments of joy and help cope with life's sorrows. By sharing our stories with others, we can hopefully gain a better understanding of one another and learn from each other's mistakes and success stories. Our stories bind us, and together we can help make the journey that lies ahead seem far less daunting and lonely.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
A Moment of Shear Bliss
I have previously stated how life in my 30's has been full of bittersweet moments. To be honest, these kinds moments have occurred ever since I went off to boarding school at age 14. I was so excited to go to Andover, yet sad to leave home-- especially my grandmother. Each graduation thereafter was marked with sadness at the thought of leaving my beloved learning institutions, even as I was enjoying the sense of accomplishment with the receipt of each new diploma. When I got married, I was happy, but also nervous, and the same was true when I had my son, with each new job, etc. But for the first time in ages, I've been given a moment of shear bliss-- after all these years, I have finally connected with my brother.
It is hard to imagine what it must be like for a 27 year old man to learn all of sudden that he has a half sister across the Atlantic. All of the sudden, just when he probably thought he had things figured out, I have entered his life and made him an uncle in the process. Having had just 2 months to digest this news, as we developed our connection via emails, Skype and Facebook, he then took the biggest leap of faith any man has ever taken in my lifetime-- he bought a ticket and crossed the big pond to come meet me!
Thankfully, I was able to shed my tears prior to his arrival at the airport. That first hug was the most amazing moment in my life, and in that instant it confirmed what I had suspected for some time. Unlike any other man that has entered my life before, where I have had to determine if it was worthwhile creating a friendship, partnership, or professional relationship, this one does not have to worry about me passing any judgments-- by the very fact that he is my brother, he has my unconditional love.
These days, we are all so cautious, and while I do believe that it wise to think before acting, it is also important to make sure we don't over-analyze things. Some people worry so much about situations that they become paralyzed-- utterly unable to make any decisions or changes in their lives. My brother could have easily said that he would see me during the holidays or whenever I am visiting his country, or he could have sat around for months letting the news sink in and cautiously allowed our relationship to build over time via emails, calls, etc., but instead he went full steam ahead and got on the first flight he could manage to come and meet me, making me in the process the happiest woman in the world. Perhaps we should all take a page from his book!
It is hard to imagine what it must be like for a 27 year old man to learn all of sudden that he has a half sister across the Atlantic. All of the sudden, just when he probably thought he had things figured out, I have entered his life and made him an uncle in the process. Having had just 2 months to digest this news, as we developed our connection via emails, Skype and Facebook, he then took the biggest leap of faith any man has ever taken in my lifetime-- he bought a ticket and crossed the big pond to come meet me!
Thankfully, I was able to shed my tears prior to his arrival at the airport. That first hug was the most amazing moment in my life, and in that instant it confirmed what I had suspected for some time. Unlike any other man that has entered my life before, where I have had to determine if it was worthwhile creating a friendship, partnership, or professional relationship, this one does not have to worry about me passing any judgments-- by the very fact that he is my brother, he has my unconditional love.
These days, we are all so cautious, and while I do believe that it wise to think before acting, it is also important to make sure we don't over-analyze things. Some people worry so much about situations that they become paralyzed-- utterly unable to make any decisions or changes in their lives. My brother could have easily said that he would see me during the holidays or whenever I am visiting his country, or he could have sat around for months letting the news sink in and cautiously allowed our relationship to build over time via emails, calls, etc., but instead he went full steam ahead and got on the first flight he could manage to come and meet me, making me in the process the happiest woman in the world. Perhaps we should all take a page from his book!
Monday, June 20, 2011
10 Signs That Things Are Getting Serious
Watching love stories unfold is always so fascinating. After the first few dates, if someone is true partner material, s/he will start getting introduced to friends. Assuming all goes well on that front, people will start committing the person's life story to memory, and there are always some tell-tale signs that things are indeed serious, such as:
1. You start seeing each other every weekend, or on a a regular basis that works with your schedules;
2. You admit that you are an "exclusive item" abandoning all other options;
3. You buy your partner a tooth brush and s/he gets his/her own towel at your place;
4. You clear out a dresser or make room in your closet for the other person's clothes;
5. You start shopping for things the other person likes when you are at the grocery store;
6. You give that person a set of keys to your place;
7. You start "playing house" spending so much time together, you practically live together;
8. You go on vacations together and coordinate holidays;
9. You introduce that person to your family;
10. You start talking about forming a life together.
If there are kids in the mix, this whole situation is a lot more complicated. For parents that are dating, I suggest waiting at least 3 months before you introduce your kids to someone you are seeing, and you need to carefully consider the consequences of having someone move in without being married because there is really nothing worse for a child than forming a bond with someone, and then suffering a loss because things did not work out between the adults.
As a general rule, I think for those in their 30's or older, after a year's worth of holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. you should have a pretty good sense of the viability of the relationship, but of course, there are never any guarantees. For those in their 20's, however, I would double this timeframe--at least, and the reason is that in your 20's you are still figuring out your career situation, what you want in life, who you are, and where you are heading.
In the end, the point should be that the relationship progresses naturally-- it should not feel forced. Women, much more than men, have a tendency to set deadlines, put pressure on labeling the relationship, talking about where things are heading-- and that is not necessarily a bad thing-- but I would encourage men to be more forthcoming in sharing their true opinion on these topics rather than go along with things to keep the peace.
When it is worthwhile, it won't feel like a sacrifice to "settle down." With the right person, you won't worry about losing your independance, rather you will feel lucky that you have found a team-mate to help build a life.
1. You start seeing each other every weekend, or on a a regular basis that works with your schedules;
2. You admit that you are an "exclusive item" abandoning all other options;
3. You buy your partner a tooth brush and s/he gets his/her own towel at your place;
4. You clear out a dresser or make room in your closet for the other person's clothes;
5. You start shopping for things the other person likes when you are at the grocery store;
6. You give that person a set of keys to your place;
7. You start "playing house" spending so much time together, you practically live together;
8. You go on vacations together and coordinate holidays;
9. You introduce that person to your family;
10. You start talking about forming a life together.
If there are kids in the mix, this whole situation is a lot more complicated. For parents that are dating, I suggest waiting at least 3 months before you introduce your kids to someone you are seeing, and you need to carefully consider the consequences of having someone move in without being married because there is really nothing worse for a child than forming a bond with someone, and then suffering a loss because things did not work out between the adults.
As a general rule, I think for those in their 30's or older, after a year's worth of holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. you should have a pretty good sense of the viability of the relationship, but of course, there are never any guarantees. For those in their 20's, however, I would double this timeframe--at least, and the reason is that in your 20's you are still figuring out your career situation, what you want in life, who you are, and where you are heading.
In the end, the point should be that the relationship progresses naturally-- it should not feel forced. Women, much more than men, have a tendency to set deadlines, put pressure on labeling the relationship, talking about where things are heading-- and that is not necessarily a bad thing-- but I would encourage men to be more forthcoming in sharing their true opinion on these topics rather than go along with things to keep the peace.
When it is worthwhile, it won't feel like a sacrifice to "settle down." With the right person, you won't worry about losing your independance, rather you will feel lucky that you have found a team-mate to help build a life.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Filling the Void in Our Lives
Throughout the years, I have encountered so many people who have tried to fill certain voids in their lives with shopping, drugs, alcohol, expensive trips, affairs or amassing fortunes. I too have been guilty of trying to find ways to avoid the emptiness, which is created whenever we lose someone special to us either through a parting of ways or death. After such an event, it is natural to feel a hole in your heart, but rather than avoid the source of the pain, what we need to do is identify the problem and try to find a solution.
The one thing I always craved in life was having a family. When I got married and had my son, I thought I finally had it all. Little did I realize that as my son would grow, all the unresolved issues from my past buried deep inside me would rise to the surface and require my attention. Seeing my son with his father made me realize, quite painfully, what I had missed in my own youth. Then, as he began to ask more questions about the family history, it became clear to me that I would have to find a way to get some answers.
Opening Pandora's box has been quite an experience, but I am eternally grateful to my son for sending me on this quest, where I got much more than what I had originally bargained for-- my goal was simply to learn about the past, never once allowing myself to think about a possible future with anyone. Finding my family, has filled a huge emptiness in my life that I never admitted to anyone, even myself.
The journey is rarely easy, and may in fact be quite painful, but if we can find the strength to tackle the painful issues in our lives as opposed to trying to bury them, I believe we stand a far better chance at finding true happiness.
The one thing I always craved in life was having a family. When I got married and had my son, I thought I finally had it all. Little did I realize that as my son would grow, all the unresolved issues from my past buried deep inside me would rise to the surface and require my attention. Seeing my son with his father made me realize, quite painfully, what I had missed in my own youth. Then, as he began to ask more questions about the family history, it became clear to me that I would have to find a way to get some answers.
Opening Pandora's box has been quite an experience, but I am eternally grateful to my son for sending me on this quest, where I got much more than what I had originally bargained for-- my goal was simply to learn about the past, never once allowing myself to think about a possible future with anyone. Finding my family, has filled a huge emptiness in my life that I never admitted to anyone, even myself.
The journey is rarely easy, and may in fact be quite painful, but if we can find the strength to tackle the painful issues in our lives as opposed to trying to bury them, I believe we stand a far better chance at finding true happiness.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Father's Day, From an Different Perspective
For years, Father's Day was just like any other day to me. Only after I became a mother did I truly begin to appreciate first-hand the bond between a child and his/her father. After my divorce, for many years this holiday brought up mixed feelings for me-- I was so happy my son could enjoy having his father in his life, yet so sad that we could not all stay together as an intact family.
Whatever feelings the holidays may conjure up in my clients, I always counsel them to encourage their minor children to acknowledge their fathers on Father's Day, along with every other holiday, by getting a card at a minimum, and if possible a gift. In the end, no matter how much some might resent their ex-spouses, they have to admit that they once loved that person and as a result of that love a child was produced.
This Father's Day, for the first time in ages, there are no mixed feelings for me. I have finally found the answers to questions that have plagued me for a lifetime. By understanding my maker, the one in whose image I was created, I have gained tremendous ground in becoming more self-aware, and more importantly for the first time in my life, I have found true acceptance.
Whatever feelings the holidays may conjure up in my clients, I always counsel them to encourage their minor children to acknowledge their fathers on Father's Day, along with every other holiday, by getting a card at a minimum, and if possible a gift. In the end, no matter how much some might resent their ex-spouses, they have to admit that they once loved that person and as a result of that love a child was produced.
This Father's Day, for the first time in ages, there are no mixed feelings for me. I have finally found the answers to questions that have plagued me for a lifetime. By understanding my maker, the one in whose image I was created, I have gained tremendous ground in becoming more self-aware, and more importantly for the first time in my life, I have found true acceptance.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Rebuilding A Life Post-Divorce
Most studies show that it will typically take a person 2-5 years to rebuild his/her life after a divorce. During that time, most will re-marry-- in fact 75% of men once married will do so again, as will two-thirds of women. Unfortunately, some will just jump into a relationship without taking the time to grieve the loss of their first marriage, or think about what when wrong and what should be done differently the next time around.
For those of us who are used to being in a relationship and sharing our every day lives with someone, it is all too tempting to just want to be part of a unit once again, but there is some merit to reining in that desire to make sure you are making the right choices. Having figured out the parts of my past life that I really want back versus the parts that I do not miss, I am now very clear on the partner I need to find in order to rebuild my life.
Many thought that I would have been remarried by now, six years post-divorce. To be honest, I would have thought so too, except I now realize just how elusive that perfect trifecta (smart, cute and kind) is among available men in my age bracket. But, the numbers do support the probability that most of us will find a second chance at married life, and in the meantime I recommend taking the time to think about what matters most to us and adopting the mantra "better to be alone than in poor company."
For those of us who are used to being in a relationship and sharing our every day lives with someone, it is all too tempting to just want to be part of a unit once again, but there is some merit to reining in that desire to make sure you are making the right choices. Having figured out the parts of my past life that I really want back versus the parts that I do not miss, I am now very clear on the partner I need to find in order to rebuild my life.
Many thought that I would have been remarried by now, six years post-divorce. To be honest, I would have thought so too, except I now realize just how elusive that perfect trifecta (smart, cute and kind) is among available men in my age bracket. But, the numbers do support the probability that most of us will find a second chance at married life, and in the meantime I recommend taking the time to think about what matters most to us and adopting the mantra "better to be alone than in poor company."
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