Falling In Love

For those skeptics that wonder if anyone still believes in love at first sight, let me assure you that plenty still do. Unfortunately, as people get older and suffer some disappointments, they start to build up their guard. This is natural, and it is healthy-- to a point. We all need to be able to let our guard down at some point if we are ever going to let others into our lives. For those with trust issues, this may take a bit longer, and no one should be rushed to move at a greater speed than is comfortable-- for a relationship to flourish, you need to patiently move forward at a pace that works for both.

In the past six years, I have had to re-learn the dating game rules. At times, it may have seemed like a pointless exercise, but I chalked it up to a "social experiment." Well, that experience has finally come in handy, although not in the way most would have expected for me.

Learning to take turns with 20 questions, to set a good pace, to take time to process information, has all come in handy the past few months as I have gotten to know my lost family. The "Elders" as I have affectionately dubbed them are a wealth of information about the past, and extended family full of Gen Ys have been a great source of entertainment, but this week was the best. It is like they saved the best gift for last-- I finally connected with my half-brother.

At a time when I was totally starting to lose faith in the existence of an adult man that could possess my perfect trilogy-- smart, cute and kind, I found it in my own brother, who has in just one week managed to restore my faith in mankind. It has often been said that the greatest acts of kindness often come from places where you least expected. Well, this is the perfect case in point-- I had no idea how this would play out, and yet it is sweeter than I ever could have imagined. The guard is totally down, I have taken the biggest leap of faith ever, and in return I have regained that amazing feeling of what it is like to fall in love all over again.

We all have fears of rejection and abandonment, but in the end, I truly believe as FDR once said that the biggest thing we should fear is fear itself. In order to connect with others, we have to find the strength to put ourselves out there, and we have to put down our guards. You need (figuratively speaking) make yourself jump out of the plane and find the perfect parachute, just as Prince William did today when he found his lovely princess.

Bittersweet Moments

When I was 25, and getting ready to walk down the aisle on my wedding day, I had the most bizarre "oh my gosh" moment. I could not process what it was at the time, but years later it all makes sense. I was so happy, and yet so sad because I knew there was a part of my family that was never going to share in this moment with me. A few months later, I graduated from law school, and again I had very mixed feelings that whole day-- a part of me was relieved to have finally completed my studies, but another part of me was so afraid that I would not live up to people's expectations of what I should do with my career. A few years later, right after my 31st birthday, my son was born. That will always be to me the happiest moment of my life, and yet at the same time, I remember being scared-- because I was painfully aware of the fact that what would lie ahead was a ton of responsibility and sacrifice. Motherhood changed me completely, and ever since then life has been full of what I call bittersweet moments.

In the past few months, 8 new people have entered my life: I now have an uncle, aunt, 2 cousins, a father, a step-mother, a step-brother, and a half-brother. These are all new words in my vocabulary, and figuring out the dymanmics is going to take some time for sure, but whenever people ask me how I am handling all of this, I just say it is awesome, and my beaming smile assures them that all is well. But, I truly believe the only reason I am able to process everything so well now is thanks to all the prior years of experiences with bittersweet moments.

To look at old pictures, to hear stories of weddings and family trips is great-- because I want to know my family, and yet because they are such wonderful people there is such a profound sense of loss, particularly with my baby brother. I could look at his pictures all day-- and I could spend weeks asking him a million questions, and it probably would never be enough to make up for all our lost years together. Luckily for everyone, I have always been an optimist. I would rather focus on the future than dwell in the past. And best of all, I love irony, which helps me appreciate the fact that sometimes the greatest sources of life's joys can also be the greatest sources of our pain.

Nature versus Nurture

I have always wondered whether I am an extrovert by nature or if that part of my personality was developed as a way to compensate for the lack of siblings or cousins in my life while I was growing up. Do I like to read because that is my natural inclination or does my thirst for knowledge stem from a deep-seeded longing to find answers to basic questions about my family that went unanswered for years? Would I be the same person I am today if I had grown up knowing my siblings and cousins? I may never find the answers to these questions, but for the first time in my life I am at least able to look for similarities and find patterns in behaviors among the various people that share my same genes.

Last night, for the first time, I got to speak to my half-brother, who lives in Europe. Both of us grew up as only children, so you can imagine how weird it is for both of us to now have someone we can call a "brother" or "sister." To add to his shock, he also has to process the fact that I have made him an uncle overnight. Needless to say, it is a lot to take in at once, and it will probably take some time for all of us to figure out the roles we want to play in each other's lives. No matter what happens, I do now realize that my life will never be the same-- and I could not be happier about that fact. As good as it has been, it is about to get better, and this is why-- because I love the fact that we are all making an effort to connect, and this effort is not driven by any need, it is because we want to know each other. To me, that is true love.

Those of you who know me are well aware of the fact that I rarely cry, and that I know for sure is just not in my nature. But I'm not going to lie, finding my little brother, did make me cry-- and they were wonderful tears of joy.

Suspending Judgment

As children, we start by seeing the world simply from our own perspective. Over time, we learn to consider other people's feelings and to appreciate that our actions might impact others. Hopefully during this evolution of our thought process we also learn to respect differences of opinion-- everyone is entitled to his/her own view, especially here in America.

Somehow, in a global sense, especially in terms of politics, everyone seems to appreciate free will and individual rights. We extoll as an American virtue the belief embodied in our country's founding documents that each person has a right to pursue his/her own happiness. Yet in a very micro level, when I hear people talk about issues with their friends or family, so many are quick to pass judgments on others or seek to impose their views on those in their immediate circle. Why is that?

From what I have read and observed throughout the years, there are some couples that are happy with the traditional marriage arrangment, where one person stays home and cares for the children while the other person focuses on providing for the family financially. Some people thrive on constantly playing the role of a savior, while I know plenty that would find that exhausting. There are those who believe in love at first sight; meanwhile others need years of being together to develop sufficient trust in a relationship. Some people live to work, but most simply work in order to live. Not everyone has a particular passion or interest in life; not all believe in a higher power; some will not be able to bear children, others will not want that responsibility. Many people struggle with different forms of addiction or mental health issues. It is also quite common for people to have an exit affair because few are strong enough to leave a relationship without having another one lined up-- apparently fear of being alone is quite prevalent.

Life is complicated, and particularly intimate relationships are challenging to maintain. But perhaps if we could apply our more open-minded global view to our personal lives, and suspend judgment of others, we could have longer lasting and less volatile relationships. Simply stated: a little more compassion would go a long way.

When Is The Best Time To Call It Quits?

There is never a perfect time to tell your spouse that you want out. I have had cases where the parties decided to divorce right after the honeymoon, and at the other extreme I have helped people end their marriage after over 35 years together-- that is almost my entire lifetime! Some people do their best to keep it together until the kids go off to college; meanwhile others have parted ways while their spouse is pregnant. Countless people have cried in my office as they recount the moment when they learned their spouse was leaving them-- sometimes while they are in the middle of cancer treatment, or grieving the loss of a parent, or recovering from a miscarriage. The best thing I can say is that they are not alone, this happens a lot, and it is unfortunate.

Dr. Robert Emery shared this beautiful analogy in a lecture I once attended, and I believe it is also in his book, The Truth About Children and Divorce: He states that if you imagine 2 people paddling along a river, you will see that there is one about a mile or so ahead of the other-- the one that opted to leave the relationship is the one in the lead because s/he had a head-start; meanwhile the one that was caught by surprise about the decision to end things is the one behind, struggling to catch up. What the person left behind needs is time, time to process what has happened, so s/he can catch up to the other.

Unfortunately, time is not always on my side. By the time someone has unilaterally moved out and raided joint accounts, a lot of damage has been done. If people could just exert a little more impulse control and check in with an attorney before they make rash decisions, a lot of unnecessary heart-ache can be avoided. It is still going to be painful, I just mean it may hurt less.

Regardless of when the news is delivered, the key point for parents to remember is that it is their job to protect their children. Kids do not need to hear the details of what their parents are arguing about or what is going on in court. They just need to have reassurance of 3 key points: 1) this is not the children's fault; 2) mommy and daddy will both still love them & be a part of their lives; and 3) the parents are going to try their best to minimize the disruptions for the children. To the extent that this message can be delivered simultaneously by both parents, that would be ideal.

After all these years, I truly have not found the perfect time to tell someone a marriage is over, but I will say the manner in which the message is delivered can make all the difference in the world.

Going to Court

Abraham Lincoln, Mohandas Gandhi, and Nelson Mandela were all great lawyers, who believed that the most important role of an attorney was to try to act as a peacemaker, to counsel people to reach a resolution. I try my best to do this, but I am not a miracle worker, and there simply are some cases that cannot be settled. The positions some people take in their cases do not allow for any sort of compromise. If one person wants sole custody and refuses to settle for anything less, then that case will have to be tried. If one person wants to move to another state with the child, and the other parent will not agree to the move, then a judge will have to decide that issue. When one party seeks indefinite alimony, and the other refuses to consider any support beyond a couple of years, there is very little I can do to help these people find some common ground. Tomorrow, I will have to deal with one of these scenarios.

A friend of mine was shocked when I told her I had a contested trial tomorrow, and I laughed. Apparently the impression created by the media is that I have stopped litigating. I assure you that nothing could be further from the truth-- only about 25% of my practice is Collaborative Divorce. I do use my Collaborative skills in the rest of my cases, and I do usually settle 95% of all my cases without a trial, but there will always remain 5% of those people that can only see things as black and white, without any possibility for gray. I have learned to live in a world full of shades of gray, and it is so beautiful in its richness and complexity, but not everyone can appreciate the world this way. It is I suppose an acquired taste.

Dating is an Exercise in Curbing Your Enthusiasm

We have all heard the saying, "if you have low expectations, you can only be pleasantly surprised." Well, if you are out there dating, you may want to adopt this as your mantra. There are some people that can look great on paper, and yet be complete idiots in person. Some people post pictures from when they were younger, skinnier, or had more hair, and then when you meet them you find a totally different person in front of you. Then there are those who might appear fine during the first few dates, but as time wears on you start to see icky character traits. The latter are the toughest ones to deal with because if they have made it through the first few rounds of 20 questions, you cannot help but start to hope for the best. Yet the best thing to do here, is curb your enthusiasm.

If you have zero expectations as to when someone should call, email, text or set up the next date, then you won't be disappointed with whatever timeframe they chose for themselves. In the meantime, you just need to figure out whether their behavior works for you. If someone really wants to make something work, they will make the time. We all have busy lives and varying interests, but let's face it, when we meet someone that causes us to say "wow," we can shift things around to pursue a relationship that seems worth it. If that is not happening, then you just need to accept that s/he is "just not that into you."

As my best friend from college told me recently, when you are in love, "you will move heaven and Earth to be with that person." She is right, I have done this a few times in my life, and as a result I believe it is totally worth waiting for that perfect inspiration. So, while I am advocating that we start off dating with zero expectations, please do not mistake the message to be that we should settle for good enough. There is no point to settling; finding that "wow" factor is totally worth the wait.