What are irreconcilable differences? Well, in court we simply understand that you are no longer willing to remain married, and instead you prefer to live your lives separately-- and we don't care why. This is the beauty of no-fault divorce, which has become quite popular over the last 25 years, and as a divorce lawyer I appreciate not having to air everyone's dirty laundry or assassinate someone's character in order to allow families to move on with as much dignity and grace as possible.
But outside of court, most of us do care about the why-- and we struggle to understand what problems are so insurmountable that a family would choose to part ways rather than work together to find solutions or a compromise. From what I've seen during the last 17 years dealing with divorces, here are the most common irreconcilable differences:
1. Money-When someone feels that the other person is jeopardizing the family's financial security, or the life-style preferences that impact spending vs. savings are so vast that a compromise cannot be reached, this often becomes a deal-breaker for couples.
2. Division of Labor- When one person feels like s/he is doing the lion's share of the work for the family, there is a sense of unfairness that needs to be addressed right away, otherwise with each passing day tension will rise while trust and respect for the other erodes to the point that the fundamental bond of friendship becomes non-existent.
3. Work-Life Balance- This is a common struggle individuals face, and it most definitely bleeds into every relationship we have-- because there is only so much time and energy we have in a day, and nobody likes to feel likes they are not a priority, especially in their partner's life.
4. Definition of a Family- Not all married couples want children, and if they do have children in common, there is the issue of how many can they both manage. There are also different expectations when it comes to how to spend vacations and holidays, and who should be included. Do you just want to be a party of two? That only works when you are both on the same page about that, but let's face it how realistic is that idea?
5. Lack of Consideration- When someone turns away from their spouse by either finding comfort in the arms of another or becoming addicted to alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling, and they continually dismiss their partner's cry to seek help. Or, simply by having arguments increase in intensity and frequency, regardless of whether there are any physical altercations, to the point that someone no longer feels safe in his/her own home.
These are all stressful topics to discuss, and not everyone can communicate effectively and calmly under stress-- especially if they feel what is at stake is having to compromise on a core-value. The more emotional each person becomes while trying to address one of these hot-topics, the greater the chance for saying or doing things that can be permanently detrimental to the relationship.
When you can no longer speak-- because there really is no more room for compromise or hope in understanding each other any better, that's when you know your differences are irreconcilable. And when you reach this conclusion, just remember this- no one else needs to know the why. The why is information that should only be revealed on a need-to-know basis. Everyone else just needs to accept two words: irreconcilable differences.
Obviously we all wish that those in a committed relationship could work out their differences, but at least 45% of married couples will not. At least when that happens, the option of a no-fault divorce is now pretty wide spread and accepted. There is a reason for that-- hopefully, you can both appreciate the wisdom in that and embrace it, and in doing so at least you can find one last place where there can still be a meeting of the minds.
home | contact info
Call Regina at: 240-621-0559
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
Is Your Financial House In Order?
It's almost tax day-- a happy day for those getting a refund, and an irksome day for those that owe more than they had anticipated. The good news for all of us at least is that it should all be over by next week, and then we can take a moment to plan ahead for the upcoming year.
Gathering all your financial data is usually the most painful process, but now that you have the data from 2015, take a good look and see how much did your household earn? How much went to taxes? From your net, how much was spent on housing and medical costs? How much did you manage to save into your 401(k) or other retirement funds? How much were you able to put aside for a rainy day fund or the kids' college funds? If you did not save as much as you would have liked, now is the time to figure out where you can reduce expenses and set a realistic goal for saving more in 2016.
Managing money is not easy-- because it's not just about the numbers, it's about the underlying emotions. For all of us, money is a means to an end-- whether that end is just being able to meet your basic needs or to fulfill your wildest dreams. And a lack of money, is for most of us a source of great anxiety and stress precisely because it means we are at risk of not meeting our desired end.
Money is not something dirty-- it's neither the root of all evil, nor is it the answer to all our problems. It is simply a tool we need to learn to master in order to not just survive, but thrive in life. So, if your financial house is not in order, don't ignore this issue. Tackle the emotions first-- what would financial security mean to you? What does that look like? Then, figure out how can you get there. And if you need help, ask for it. There is no shame in that.
Is your financial house in order? It's okay if it's not, as long as you don't ignore the problem and instead learn to deal with it.
Gathering all your financial data is usually the most painful process, but now that you have the data from 2015, take a good look and see how much did your household earn? How much went to taxes? From your net, how much was spent on housing and medical costs? How much did you manage to save into your 401(k) or other retirement funds? How much were you able to put aside for a rainy day fund or the kids' college funds? If you did not save as much as you would have liked, now is the time to figure out where you can reduce expenses and set a realistic goal for saving more in 2016.
Managing money is not easy-- because it's not just about the numbers, it's about the underlying emotions. For all of us, money is a means to an end-- whether that end is just being able to meet your basic needs or to fulfill your wildest dreams. And a lack of money, is for most of us a source of great anxiety and stress precisely because it means we are at risk of not meeting our desired end.
Money is not something dirty-- it's neither the root of all evil, nor is it the answer to all our problems. It is simply a tool we need to learn to master in order to not just survive, but thrive in life. So, if your financial house is not in order, don't ignore this issue. Tackle the emotions first-- what would financial security mean to you? What does that look like? Then, figure out how can you get there. And if you need help, ask for it. There is no shame in that.
Is your financial house in order? It's okay if it's not, as long as you don't ignore the problem and instead learn to deal with it.
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Are You Conflicted About Leaving?
Sometimes, we may not know exactly what we want, but we often know exactly what we don't want. That in itself is a good thing-- at least it helps us eliminate that which we do not desire in our lives. This is especially true, when it comes to love.
When we are dating, we all have some checklist of the characteristics we are looking for in a partner. Typically, these include traits like good looks, intelligence, a good sense of humor. Most of us seek someone who is kind and enjoys our company. And at first glance, it would appear there are a lot of people out there that can fit that bill-- especially in the beginning, when we are all on our best behavior, presenting our best-selves.
Real moral dilemmas do not arise until the honeymoon phase is over. Once the lust-phase is over, and you are under one roof confronting real life problems that have to be addressed as a couple, this is when you really start to see a person's true character. How we manage money, divide household chores, maintain work-life balance, and define family, are all difficult areas to address when you are not on the same page.
As tension builds, you can see that we all cope with conflict differently-- some are complete conflict avoiders, while others beautifully rise to the challenge of finding solutions, and then there's everything in between. Unfortunately, communication problems often exacerbate clashing styles for resolving conflict. And with each and every argument, if you don't find yourself understanding each other better, that means the opposite is occurring-- you are growing farther and farther apart, while also losing trust and respect with each and every seemingly minor spat, until the chasm between you has grown so vast that when you face the other person, it feels like you are staring at a stranger, or worse your mortal enemy.
If you find yourself lying in bed with someone that feels like your adversary, it's inevitable that a new sort of checklist will start to formulate in your head-- you start to weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. Only you can decide whether it is worth trying to save your relationship, and I imagine a lot depends on whether you still believe you can win back the friendship and love you once had.
My final key point to those that are conflicted is this: you may not know what you want, but at least be clear on what you don't want. Love is not cold, harsh, mean, judgmental or unforgiving. Indeed it is the opposite of all those things. Love is warm, gentle, kind, sweet, understanding and patient. Love is the one thing we all seek, and that which we all deserve from those closest to us. Don't accept anything less.
When we are dating, we all have some checklist of the characteristics we are looking for in a partner. Typically, these include traits like good looks, intelligence, a good sense of humor. Most of us seek someone who is kind and enjoys our company. And at first glance, it would appear there are a lot of people out there that can fit that bill-- especially in the beginning, when we are all on our best behavior, presenting our best-selves.
Real moral dilemmas do not arise until the honeymoon phase is over. Once the lust-phase is over, and you are under one roof confronting real life problems that have to be addressed as a couple, this is when you really start to see a person's true character. How we manage money, divide household chores, maintain work-life balance, and define family, are all difficult areas to address when you are not on the same page.
As tension builds, you can see that we all cope with conflict differently-- some are complete conflict avoiders, while others beautifully rise to the challenge of finding solutions, and then there's everything in between. Unfortunately, communication problems often exacerbate clashing styles for resolving conflict. And with each and every argument, if you don't find yourself understanding each other better, that means the opposite is occurring-- you are growing farther and farther apart, while also losing trust and respect with each and every seemingly minor spat, until the chasm between you has grown so vast that when you face the other person, it feels like you are staring at a stranger, or worse your mortal enemy.
If you find yourself lying in bed with someone that feels like your adversary, it's inevitable that a new sort of checklist will start to formulate in your head-- you start to weigh the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. Only you can decide whether it is worth trying to save your relationship, and I imagine a lot depends on whether you still believe you can win back the friendship and love you once had.
My final key point to those that are conflicted is this: you may not know what you want, but at least be clear on what you don't want. Love is not cold, harsh, mean, judgmental or unforgiving. Indeed it is the opposite of all those things. Love is warm, gentle, kind, sweet, understanding and patient. Love is the one thing we all seek, and that which we all deserve from those closest to us. Don't accept anything less.
Monday, March 14, 2016
Is Your Love Slipping Away?
Do you feel like your honeymoon phase maybe took place in a different life? Has your heart stopped skipping a beat when your partner reaches out for you, either by phone, text or in person? When you read old love letters or look at pictures from the past, does it seem like you are watching someone else's love story, but not your own? If any of this resonates with you, then you are in a relationship that is experiencing a crisis.
Rarely does someone fall out of love all at once, but rather it is an accumulation of scuffles that left us quite wounded, and because those wounds have not healed, with each passing day we have built up a pyramid of resentment. So, instead of building a bridge that connects our world with our lover's we unconsciously begin to lay the foundation for a concrete wall that will protect us from the infliction of further harm.
It is easy to drift apart. We go our separate ways during the work week, and then maybe one or the other starts staying late at work or making plans to catch up with other friends. On weekends, maybe one goes to the gym or spa while the other goes to play golf or visit family. When you have kids, it is very easy to pour your heart and soul into them, and using them as a excuse to stay occupied you expend all your energy on them leaving nothing for your partner when the day is over.
Days turn into weeks, which turn into months in the blink of an eye, and meanwhile the divide between you grows wider and wider until one day, perhaps on a special day that once had some meaning, you wake up and find you have nothing left to celebrate. And when this happens, that is when you know beyond doubt that you have let that chasm between you and your partner become too vast.
How do you fix this? That I cannot answer for you, but at least if you want to fix it, I believe that where there is a will there is a way-- provided both parties are committed to working things out. If not, things will only continue to deteriorate, and when too much damage is done to a relationship there will come a point where you just cannot turn back and undo all those little acts that on their own might have seemed minor, yet when put together grossly tip the scales in favor of getting out and ending the pain.
In a healthy relationship, the ratio of good to bad interactions is 5:1. If you feel like you are on the fence, meaning you can take it or leave it, then you are probably at 3:3. At this point, you start to wonder what value added does that person bring to my life? Here, I would suggest taking a break away, even just for a long weekend or maybe a week, and then ask yourself, "do I miss this person?" If the answer is "no" then you definitely know that too much hurt has occurred, and as a wise person once told me: hurt people, hurt people.
When you are caught in a negative loop, you have to find a way to break the cycle. While you cannot control what someone else says or does, you can control how you act and react. So if you don't like the current state of affairs, remember that change starts from within. Be the change you want to see, but at the same time, try not to go in with an expected outcome. Things may get better, or they may get worse-- it takes two to tango. And if your partner no longer wants to tango, that's okay there are plenty of other dances out there, and plenty of other willing dance partners-- and it is also perfectly okay now to find your own song for a dance solo.
Not all loves are meant to last-- some just to teach you how to live and let die.
Rarely does someone fall out of love all at once, but rather it is an accumulation of scuffles that left us quite wounded, and because those wounds have not healed, with each passing day we have built up a pyramid of resentment. So, instead of building a bridge that connects our world with our lover's we unconsciously begin to lay the foundation for a concrete wall that will protect us from the infliction of further harm.
It is easy to drift apart. We go our separate ways during the work week, and then maybe one or the other starts staying late at work or making plans to catch up with other friends. On weekends, maybe one goes to the gym or spa while the other goes to play golf or visit family. When you have kids, it is very easy to pour your heart and soul into them, and using them as a excuse to stay occupied you expend all your energy on them leaving nothing for your partner when the day is over.
Days turn into weeks, which turn into months in the blink of an eye, and meanwhile the divide between you grows wider and wider until one day, perhaps on a special day that once had some meaning, you wake up and find you have nothing left to celebrate. And when this happens, that is when you know beyond doubt that you have let that chasm between you and your partner become too vast.
How do you fix this? That I cannot answer for you, but at least if you want to fix it, I believe that where there is a will there is a way-- provided both parties are committed to working things out. If not, things will only continue to deteriorate, and when too much damage is done to a relationship there will come a point where you just cannot turn back and undo all those little acts that on their own might have seemed minor, yet when put together grossly tip the scales in favor of getting out and ending the pain.
In a healthy relationship, the ratio of good to bad interactions is 5:1. If you feel like you are on the fence, meaning you can take it or leave it, then you are probably at 3:3. At this point, you start to wonder what value added does that person bring to my life? Here, I would suggest taking a break away, even just for a long weekend or maybe a week, and then ask yourself, "do I miss this person?" If the answer is "no" then you definitely know that too much hurt has occurred, and as a wise person once told me: hurt people, hurt people.
When you are caught in a negative loop, you have to find a way to break the cycle. While you cannot control what someone else says or does, you can control how you act and react. So if you don't like the current state of affairs, remember that change starts from within. Be the change you want to see, but at the same time, try not to go in with an expected outcome. Things may get better, or they may get worse-- it takes two to tango. And if your partner no longer wants to tango, that's okay there are plenty of other dances out there, and plenty of other willing dance partners-- and it is also perfectly okay now to find your own song for a dance solo.
Not all loves are meant to last-- some just to teach you how to live and let die.
Saturday, December 12, 2015
How Much Is Luck A Factor In Love?
A lot of people these days focus on how lucky you have to be to meet the right person, but really is that truly such an act of serendipity? Isn't the more remarkable feat the ability to preserve that love over decades? Seriously, if you talk to couples that have been married for 20 years or more, and you ask them about their marriages, few if any focus on how they met their spouse and instead most of them will tell you about how lucky they were to have weathered life's storms together. Maybe if we talked more openly about these "storms," we could better prepare couples for the road that lies ahead. Here are 4 common challenges that can either make or break a relationship:
1. Family Deaths- Whether it is mourning the death of an unborn child, or a close relative that has been around for decades, people need to grieve each loss, and each person must go through the grief cycle at his/her own pace. Feelings of loss are dealt with differently, but if you can find a way to stay connected during this difficult time, it will definitely deepen your bond.
2. Financial Loss- Whenever somebody suffers a job loss or major financial setback that risks the family's financial security or otherwise negatively impacts the family, it is going to take a toll on the couple. Even though we all know there is no such thing as a risk-free investment or guaranteed paycheck, when these kinds of stressors present themselves, they really don't just test our character, but our relationships.
3. Health Issues- If you marry someone healthy, and then later the person becomes ill either physically or mentally, it's impossible to predict how you will really handle the situation, and maybe it depends on the illness. A lot may be sympathetic towards a physical illness, but not so much when their spouse develops an alcohol or drug addiction, or begins to exhibit classic behaviors attributed to untreated depression, anxiety, or a high conflict personality disorder.
4. Life Transitions- If you marry young, you run the risk of not only not knowing what your spouse will be when s/he grows up, but not knowing yet who you really are and the direction you want to take with your own ambitions. If you marry later in life, you run the risk of being very set in your ways or being married to someone that is cemented in his/her way of doing things, which will make negotiations and/or the ability to compromise harder. Either way, it will always remain unclear how you will respond to someone's decision to change their identity, career, home base, or lifestyle. Anyone at any time can choose to change jobs, move to a new location, or revisit their priorities in life, and if you are fortunate, you and your spouse will be on the same page with these changes.
Regardless of your socio-economic status, none of us are immune to death, financial loss, health issues and life transitions. These are all inevitable challenges we face in life, and they will test our best relationships. Those that manage to work through these issues together, actually do grow closer, whereas those that choose to deal with tough times separately, create a divide that deepens over time until the chasm is simply too vast.
Needless to say, luck is a huge factor in partnering with the right person to support you through life's trials and tribulations. But, since we cannot control luck perhaps we can focus more on the effort involved in keeping the love we find.
1. Family Deaths- Whether it is mourning the death of an unborn child, or a close relative that has been around for decades, people need to grieve each loss, and each person must go through the grief cycle at his/her own pace. Feelings of loss are dealt with differently, but if you can find a way to stay connected during this difficult time, it will definitely deepen your bond.
2. Financial Loss- Whenever somebody suffers a job loss or major financial setback that risks the family's financial security or otherwise negatively impacts the family, it is going to take a toll on the couple. Even though we all know there is no such thing as a risk-free investment or guaranteed paycheck, when these kinds of stressors present themselves, they really don't just test our character, but our relationships.
3. Health Issues- If you marry someone healthy, and then later the person becomes ill either physically or mentally, it's impossible to predict how you will really handle the situation, and maybe it depends on the illness. A lot may be sympathetic towards a physical illness, but not so much when their spouse develops an alcohol or drug addiction, or begins to exhibit classic behaviors attributed to untreated depression, anxiety, or a high conflict personality disorder.
4. Life Transitions- If you marry young, you run the risk of not only not knowing what your spouse will be when s/he grows up, but not knowing yet who you really are and the direction you want to take with your own ambitions. If you marry later in life, you run the risk of being very set in your ways or being married to someone that is cemented in his/her way of doing things, which will make negotiations and/or the ability to compromise harder. Either way, it will always remain unclear how you will respond to someone's decision to change their identity, career, home base, or lifestyle. Anyone at any time can choose to change jobs, move to a new location, or revisit their priorities in life, and if you are fortunate, you and your spouse will be on the same page with these changes.
Regardless of your socio-economic status, none of us are immune to death, financial loss, health issues and life transitions. These are all inevitable challenges we face in life, and they will test our best relationships. Those that manage to work through these issues together, actually do grow closer, whereas those that choose to deal with tough times separately, create a divide that deepens over time until the chasm is simply too vast.
Needless to say, luck is a huge factor in partnering with the right person to support you through life's trials and tribulations. But, since we cannot control luck perhaps we can focus more on the effort involved in keeping the love we find.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
7 Things To Consider Before Leaving Your Spouse
If you find yourself struggling to keep it together during the holidays, you should know that you are in really good company. When you feel that you have nothing left to celebrate together, and you dread spending the holidays as a couple, that is a pretty clear indication that it is probably time to part ways. But before you say adieu, here are 7 things to consider:
1. Get legal advice. Beyond asking a friend, who may play a lawyer on tv, you really should consult with an attorney to learn about your rights and obligations;
2. Prepare a budget. You need to understand what it will cost you to be out on your own, so based on your income and/or available savings you can determine what you can afford in rent, etc.;
3. Explore Housing Options. We all need someplace to crash at the end of the day, and do not feel humiliated if you have to move back in with your parents or use a sibling's basement for awhile. Many of my clients have had to do this on a temporary basis, and I have found that they all benefited from the love and support of their relatives during a very trying time. Having a great family network that can spare you from going bankrupt is nothing to be ashamed of, but rather should be viewed as an admirable quality.
4. Secure Your Mail. To protect your credit and privacy, you want to make sure your mail is safe-- and I'm not just referring to snail mail, but email. Change all your online passwords to email, FaceBook, etc. asap and notify the post office to get mail forwarded elsewhere, even if it is a PO Box.
5. Take an Inventory. Go through your home and list all the things of value, maybe even take pictures. Also try to get a snap shot of your family's finances, including all assets and outstanding liabilities.
6. Establish Separate Accounts. Set up your own bank account and credit cards independent of your spouse. Even if on a temporary basis, you continue to use joint accounts to pay joint bills, eventually you will need to do your banking separately.
7. Disconnect on Social Media- There is no reason to remain friends with your estranged spouse on FB or to follow each other on Twitter. Seriously, remove all opportunities to snoop on each other, and try to lay low with others on social media, at least until your case is over.
If you are lucky, you will be among the 70% of couples that are able to divorce in a cooperative, if not amicable manner. Nonetheless, I urge you to rely not just on family and friends, but to find a counselor for emotional support during this emotional process. As you grieve the loss of your partner and the life you envisioned together, it is critical that you realize you are not alone and that once you get past this rough transition phase, things will get better over time. Indeed, after about a year you should feel a thousand times better, looking ahead to a new year and a new you. In the meantime, hang in there and just take things one day at a time.
By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq. in Bethesda, MD
Focusing on Family Law for 17 years
1. Get legal advice. Beyond asking a friend, who may play a lawyer on tv, you really should consult with an attorney to learn about your rights and obligations;
2. Prepare a budget. You need to understand what it will cost you to be out on your own, so based on your income and/or available savings you can determine what you can afford in rent, etc.;
3. Explore Housing Options. We all need someplace to crash at the end of the day, and do not feel humiliated if you have to move back in with your parents or use a sibling's basement for awhile. Many of my clients have had to do this on a temporary basis, and I have found that they all benefited from the love and support of their relatives during a very trying time. Having a great family network that can spare you from going bankrupt is nothing to be ashamed of, but rather should be viewed as an admirable quality.
4. Secure Your Mail. To protect your credit and privacy, you want to make sure your mail is safe-- and I'm not just referring to snail mail, but email. Change all your online passwords to email, FaceBook, etc. asap and notify the post office to get mail forwarded elsewhere, even if it is a PO Box.
5. Take an Inventory. Go through your home and list all the things of value, maybe even take pictures. Also try to get a snap shot of your family's finances, including all assets and outstanding liabilities.
6. Establish Separate Accounts. Set up your own bank account and credit cards independent of your spouse. Even if on a temporary basis, you continue to use joint accounts to pay joint bills, eventually you will need to do your banking separately.
7. Disconnect on Social Media- There is no reason to remain friends with your estranged spouse on FB or to follow each other on Twitter. Seriously, remove all opportunities to snoop on each other, and try to lay low with others on social media, at least until your case is over.
If you are lucky, you will be among the 70% of couples that are able to divorce in a cooperative, if not amicable manner. Nonetheless, I urge you to rely not just on family and friends, but to find a counselor for emotional support during this emotional process. As you grieve the loss of your partner and the life you envisioned together, it is critical that you realize you are not alone and that once you get past this rough transition phase, things will get better over time. Indeed, after about a year you should feel a thousand times better, looking ahead to a new year and a new you. In the meantime, hang in there and just take things one day at a time.
By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq. in Bethesda, MD
Focusing on Family Law for 17 years
Sunday, December 6, 2015
Are You Tired Of Bending Over Backwards?
All relationships require effort, but in healthy ones the give and take should feel about equal. If you feel like you are putting in more of an effort than the other, or you don't feel satisfied with the return on your investment of time and/or money on someone, eventually you are bound to hit a wall. This is normal, and when this happens, you will find yourself lacking the same motivation you once had to do or say nice things, plan anything fun, buy thoughtful gifts or even hug. Then what do you do?
Hopefully, when you catch yourself losing enthusiasm in a relationship you once held dear, you can have an honest conversation with the other person to try and repair your bond. Together, if you are both committed to working things out, you should be able to come up with strategies to improve your relationship. Unfortunately, however, some people are incapable of receiving critical feedback. Truly, these people are not going to be able to hear you say that they did or said anything wrong. So if you are dealing with one of these people, repair efforts may not be very fruitful, and sooner or later you will realize that instead of being able to connect more with this person, you need to switch gears and start building a wall. Why a wall? Because you need to protect yourself from further injury by creating boundaries.
Boundaries are the limits we set for others not to punish them, but rather to prevent us from getting hurt. So for example, if I feel like I am always the one making an effort to reach out, do nice things, etc. and I find myself constantly disappointed by the other person's lack of response, then I will stop going out of my way for this person not as punishment but rather to spare myself any further disappointment. Now is it possible, and in fact probable, that the other person will think I'm being mean? Of course, but remember we each are entitled to have our own perception of reality.
How do you know when you need to set up boundaries? Easy-- when you sense that what someone expects or asks of you is going to seriously hurt you or it goes completely against who you are, then you need to listen to how you feel-- pay attention to how your gut feels tight, and your breathing has probably stopped, and how your mind is desperately racing to find a way to escape. All these are signs that you need to respectfully create a safe-place for yourself.
So, as the holidays approach and the pressure mounts to try and satisfy everyone, please stop and take a few deep breaths. If you find that your are tired of bending over backwards for someone that does not appreciate your efforts, maybe the best holiday gift you can give yourself this season is a backbone made of steel-- and reinforced in concrete. Seriously, stop trying to be such a people pleaser and instead take some of that caring tendency and apply it to yourself. Establish boundaries that will work for you, knowing that those that deserve your love and efforts will always be there for you.
Hopefully, when you catch yourself losing enthusiasm in a relationship you once held dear, you can have an honest conversation with the other person to try and repair your bond. Together, if you are both committed to working things out, you should be able to come up with strategies to improve your relationship. Unfortunately, however, some people are incapable of receiving critical feedback. Truly, these people are not going to be able to hear you say that they did or said anything wrong. So if you are dealing with one of these people, repair efforts may not be very fruitful, and sooner or later you will realize that instead of being able to connect more with this person, you need to switch gears and start building a wall. Why a wall? Because you need to protect yourself from further injury by creating boundaries.
Boundaries are the limits we set for others not to punish them, but rather to prevent us from getting hurt. So for example, if I feel like I am always the one making an effort to reach out, do nice things, etc. and I find myself constantly disappointed by the other person's lack of response, then I will stop going out of my way for this person not as punishment but rather to spare myself any further disappointment. Now is it possible, and in fact probable, that the other person will think I'm being mean? Of course, but remember we each are entitled to have our own perception of reality.
How do you know when you need to set up boundaries? Easy-- when you sense that what someone expects or asks of you is going to seriously hurt you or it goes completely against who you are, then you need to listen to how you feel-- pay attention to how your gut feels tight, and your breathing has probably stopped, and how your mind is desperately racing to find a way to escape. All these are signs that you need to respectfully create a safe-place for yourself.
So, as the holidays approach and the pressure mounts to try and satisfy everyone, please stop and take a few deep breaths. If you find that your are tired of bending over backwards for someone that does not appreciate your efforts, maybe the best holiday gift you can give yourself this season is a backbone made of steel-- and reinforced in concrete. Seriously, stop trying to be such a people pleaser and instead take some of that caring tendency and apply it to yourself. Establish boundaries that will work for you, knowing that those that deserve your love and efforts will always be there for you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)