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Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Taking the Stand: Time to Retire the 'R' Reference?
This football season, why not just refer to our local team as the "DC Football Team" instead of using a name that offends innocent people? Various courts and media outlets are taking the stand, and this article gives a great explanation of why as individuals we should consider ditching the term: "Taking the Stand: Time to Retire the 'R' Reference?
Monday, September 15, 2014
What Can We All Learn From the Ray Rice Scandal?
I decided to post my first column piece on this timely issue. Here is the link to this week's journal article:
http://www.wealthstrategiesjournal.com/regina-a-demeo-what-can-we-all-learn-from-the-ray-rice-scandal/
http://www.wealthstrategiesjournal.com/regina-a-demeo-what-can-we-all-learn-from-the-ray-rice-scandal/
Friday, September 12, 2014
Are You Delivering the Right Message?
Have you found that your message just isn't getting through to someone you love? Well, that happens a lot but luckily there are only 2 possible issues, either (1) they are choosing not to listen or (2) the way you are conveying your thoughts needs improvement. I can't do anything about the first problem, but with the latter you have to keep this in mind: your message might be great, but if your delivery sucks it won't be effective.
Most people have a hard time receiving any form of criticism, especially off the clock. A lot of people either get defensive or shut down when faced with anything resembling a critique of their behaviors, choices or character so the key to getting through is to (1) choose your words carefully, (2) focus on how things make you feel or affect you, and (3) above all avoid name-calling or passing judgment.
When things break down it's usually because at least one person feels they are "right" and the other is "wrong." If someone believes their choices are appropriate and the other's are not, they are never going to be able to communicate effectively. What's worse is that when you start to take on the role of a nagging parent, the other is going to lose interest fast in the bedroom. It's simply not a turn on to shag with a nag.
If you are committed to working things out with someone, then you have to be able to work on delivering the right message-- that means discussing things in a respectful manner and with an open mind. Your job is not to crucify or punish your partner, but rather to listen to his/her concerns and work together towards a mutual solution. So, here's a phrase that captures that spirit: I love you, and I need your help addressing this issue that I have. I think we can all agree this will be much better received than something like "I'm pissed and you need to fix this now."
Word choice is key to navigating difficult talks, so choose your words wisely. Remember, you may have the right message, but if your delivery sucks you will be SOL.
Most people have a hard time receiving any form of criticism, especially off the clock. A lot of people either get defensive or shut down when faced with anything resembling a critique of their behaviors, choices or character so the key to getting through is to (1) choose your words carefully, (2) focus on how things make you feel or affect you, and (3) above all avoid name-calling or passing judgment.
When things break down it's usually because at least one person feels they are "right" and the other is "wrong." If someone believes their choices are appropriate and the other's are not, they are never going to be able to communicate effectively. What's worse is that when you start to take on the role of a nagging parent, the other is going to lose interest fast in the bedroom. It's simply not a turn on to shag with a nag.
If you are committed to working things out with someone, then you have to be able to work on delivering the right message-- that means discussing things in a respectful manner and with an open mind. Your job is not to crucify or punish your partner, but rather to listen to his/her concerns and work together towards a mutual solution. So, here's a phrase that captures that spirit: I love you, and I need your help addressing this issue that I have. I think we can all agree this will be much better received than something like "I'm pissed and you need to fix this now."
Word choice is key to navigating difficult talks, so choose your words wisely. Remember, you may have the right message, but if your delivery sucks you will be SOL.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
What Is The Real Issue?
After 20 years in the legal industry, I have been privy to some of the nastiest fights imaginable, but in family disputes it really boils down to three main issues: (1) division of labor, (2) money and (3) time. These are limited resources for all of us, and when arguments erupt at home, I find it helpful to take a step back and ask yourself this before launching into World War III: what is the real issue?
The issue people often think they are fighting about isn't the actual issue at all. Let me give you some examples:
1 Chores- Do you find yourself arguing about chores? That's normal, but too often couples focus on who did or didn't do what and really this rarely gets anyone to a better place. The real issue is that someone feels unappreciated, overburdened, and/or that the division of labor is unfair. Now since you can't undo the past, you need to let that go. Instead, why not center the discussion on what could be done differently going forward? Everyone should be able to agree on what needs to get done, and that no one should be burdened with 100% of all the chores. After establishing some common ground, a couple should be able to divide up all the household tasks or decide to source out some of the work to another.
2. Money- Does it seem like someone is either being too controlling or a bit reckless about spending? Well, money is always a sore subject in families, and we often partner with someone that values money differently. Without passing judgment, try to dig a bit and learn how someone grew up-- did someone's family struggle financially? If so, then there might be a deep-seeded fear about being poor that cannot be glossed over. If someone was not taught money management skills early on, then efforts simply must be made to help that person understand the financial implications of certain life choices. Don't just agree to disagree about money. Financial responsibility is critical to maintaining a healthy family because nothing creates more stress than financial woes. If your basic needs cannot be met, how can you enjoy life together?
3. Time- Do you keep arguing about how much time is spent outside the home or on someone's electronic devices? This is a clear indication that someone feels neglected, or that s/he is not a priority to the other partner. The fact is we all have demands on our time that require us to spend significant amounts of time outside the home- work, kids activities, community outreach, along with our individual interests that may involve exercising and socializing with friends. This is all normal, but you still need to make time for some alone, quality time with your partner, and only together can you realistically set expectations of one another and what an appropriate allocation of time will look like to maintain a happy partnership.
Of course there are far more complicated issues that can arise in a marriage, including problems that surface when there is infidelity, abuse, addictions, personality disorders or other severe mental health conditions, and dealing with those kinds of issues definitely requires the assistance of a mental health professional. But absent these kinds of stressors, I truly believe issues about time, money and labor can easily be addressed if couples could just honestly talk about their feelings associated with these limited resources, and instead of trying to win each individual argument, they should switch the focus to finding solutions for the deep-seeded, underlying issues. That is really the only way to succeed in love-- by creating the win-win for everyone involved.
The issue people often think they are fighting about isn't the actual issue at all. Let me give you some examples:
1 Chores- Do you find yourself arguing about chores? That's normal, but too often couples focus on who did or didn't do what and really this rarely gets anyone to a better place. The real issue is that someone feels unappreciated, overburdened, and/or that the division of labor is unfair. Now since you can't undo the past, you need to let that go. Instead, why not center the discussion on what could be done differently going forward? Everyone should be able to agree on what needs to get done, and that no one should be burdened with 100% of all the chores. After establishing some common ground, a couple should be able to divide up all the household tasks or decide to source out some of the work to another.
2. Money- Does it seem like someone is either being too controlling or a bit reckless about spending? Well, money is always a sore subject in families, and we often partner with someone that values money differently. Without passing judgment, try to dig a bit and learn how someone grew up-- did someone's family struggle financially? If so, then there might be a deep-seeded fear about being poor that cannot be glossed over. If someone was not taught money management skills early on, then efforts simply must be made to help that person understand the financial implications of certain life choices. Don't just agree to disagree about money. Financial responsibility is critical to maintaining a healthy family because nothing creates more stress than financial woes. If your basic needs cannot be met, how can you enjoy life together?
3. Time- Do you keep arguing about how much time is spent outside the home or on someone's electronic devices? This is a clear indication that someone feels neglected, or that s/he is not a priority to the other partner. The fact is we all have demands on our time that require us to spend significant amounts of time outside the home- work, kids activities, community outreach, along with our individual interests that may involve exercising and socializing with friends. This is all normal, but you still need to make time for some alone, quality time with your partner, and only together can you realistically set expectations of one another and what an appropriate allocation of time will look like to maintain a happy partnership.
Of course there are far more complicated issues that can arise in a marriage, including problems that surface when there is infidelity, abuse, addictions, personality disorders or other severe mental health conditions, and dealing with those kinds of issues definitely requires the assistance of a mental health professional. But absent these kinds of stressors, I truly believe issues about time, money and labor can easily be addressed if couples could just honestly talk about their feelings associated with these limited resources, and instead of trying to win each individual argument, they should switch the focus to finding solutions for the deep-seeded, underlying issues. That is really the only way to succeed in love-- by creating the win-win for everyone involved.
Monday, September 8, 2014
Are You Caught in a Downward Spiral?
We've all been in situations where you can see that things are starting to go south, and yet you are not really sure what to do to stop the downward spiral. Well, really it is very simple, because you only have 3 choices:
1. Do Nothing. Not a great option if you want things to improve. If you want the relationship to last, you can't just stand there hoping beyond hope that a miracle or act of God will just make things better. That rarely happens, and instead the outcome that is pretty much guaranteed is that things will just get worse.
2. Get Out. This is relatively easy to do in business relationships and with acquaintances, but not so easy when you are talking about a close family member or a life partner. If you don't live with that individual you can unilaterally decide to build up your boundaries and change the closeness of the relationship without completely severing ties, but this is much harder to do when you are in the same house and have joint obligations. Establishing a separate residence and/or divorcing has severe financial and emotional consequences that need to be carefully considered before pursuing this option.
3. Repair Work. I know it is not easy, and it does require effort on both sides to want to fix things, but there is so much to be gained by maintaining a loving relationship that withstands the test of time. Although this is not my area of expertise, I do actually spend a lot of time reading the research in this field, and it is no secret that Dr. Gottman is my favorite relatinship expert. In addition to his famous book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," I encourage everyone to read "What Makes Love Last?" While it would be impossible to do justice to his work in just one blog, I will tell you that the greatest piece of advice I have gleaned from all his writing is this: you need to avoid the nasty box. He calls it the roach motel-- once you check in, you can't check out.
We have all been in the roach motel at some point in our lives-- and we can all agree that it is a horrible, dark place to be that should be avoided like the plague. But the fact is, no one ever winds up in the roach motel overnight. We are all guilty of allowing the downward spiral to occur, and the key message here is that when we realize what is happening, we have to be honest about the choices before us as stated above.
When faced with what Gottman calls "sliding glass door moments" the choices we make truly define the path our love will take. Hopefully you can turn toward your partner, not away from him/her, and by fostering compassion and empathy together you can avoid checking into that dreaded roach motel.
1. Do Nothing. Not a great option if you want things to improve. If you want the relationship to last, you can't just stand there hoping beyond hope that a miracle or act of God will just make things better. That rarely happens, and instead the outcome that is pretty much guaranteed is that things will just get worse.
2. Get Out. This is relatively easy to do in business relationships and with acquaintances, but not so easy when you are talking about a close family member or a life partner. If you don't live with that individual you can unilaterally decide to build up your boundaries and change the closeness of the relationship without completely severing ties, but this is much harder to do when you are in the same house and have joint obligations. Establishing a separate residence and/or divorcing has severe financial and emotional consequences that need to be carefully considered before pursuing this option.
3. Repair Work. I know it is not easy, and it does require effort on both sides to want to fix things, but there is so much to be gained by maintaining a loving relationship that withstands the test of time. Although this is not my area of expertise, I do actually spend a lot of time reading the research in this field, and it is no secret that Dr. Gottman is my favorite relatinship expert. In addition to his famous book "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," I encourage everyone to read "What Makes Love Last?" While it would be impossible to do justice to his work in just one blog, I will tell you that the greatest piece of advice I have gleaned from all his writing is this: you need to avoid the nasty box. He calls it the roach motel-- once you check in, you can't check out.
We have all been in the roach motel at some point in our lives-- and we can all agree that it is a horrible, dark place to be that should be avoided like the plague. But the fact is, no one ever winds up in the roach motel overnight. We are all guilty of allowing the downward spiral to occur, and the key message here is that when we realize what is happening, we have to be honest about the choices before us as stated above.
When faced with what Gottman calls "sliding glass door moments" the choices we make truly define the path our love will take. Hopefully you can turn toward your partner, not away from him/her, and by fostering compassion and empathy together you can avoid checking into that dreaded roach motel.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Top 5 Lessons Sports Teach Kids
It's been over 20 years since I gave up the crazy life that involved training every day and competing in tournaments across the country, but there are many lessons that have stayed with me all these years and helped me in my adult life. Here are my top 5:
1. Respect Your Body- As an athlete you are trained to exercise regularly, eat well and sleep at least 7 hours a day. If you want your body to last, you have to maintain in properly. It is no accident that my size has not varied greatly all these years, and it has everything to do with discipline. You have to take care of yourself, even long after you retire from sports.
2. Embrace Delayed Gratification- No one is an overnight success in the world of sports. It takes a lot of discipline and training to become an elite competitor. Especially in an age where everyone expects instant gratification, I believe it is key to develop this life-skill because the fact is any major accomplishment has to be earned over time.
3. Criticism Isn't A Bad Thing- Any decent coach is always going to point out areas where you can improve. Over the years, I learned to appreciate that only those that really care about my success are willing to provide feedback, both good and bad. I also developed the ability to voice my own constructive criticism, and little did any of us know back then how well this would serve me years later in attempting to revamp the field of family law.
4. Play- We definitely work hard in sports, but we also play a lot. After all, none of the athletes I ever encountered pursued a sport they did not enjoy. We are a passionate bunch-- it is about doing something you love, and doing it well while having fun. If you cannot find time to play, then what is the point???
5. Life Goes On- We all know that you win some, you lose some, and this lesson is very apparent in sports. You can taste sweet victory one day, and suffer a crushing defeat the next. You can be at the top of your game one week, and next thing you know you get injured. We are all taught to work through the pain, and that without pain there is no gain. And should you choose to opt out, life does go on without you because there will always be more players to take part in the games.
In then end, I am eternally grateful for all the lessons I learned as a gymnast, and I can see how they continue to come in handy every day, even though I am not a professional athlete. Through sports you learn about the unpredictable nature of life, the fragility of the human condition, and the importance of perseverance. Hopefully by encouraging our kids to pursue sports, the same will be true for future generations.
1. Respect Your Body- As an athlete you are trained to exercise regularly, eat well and sleep at least 7 hours a day. If you want your body to last, you have to maintain in properly. It is no accident that my size has not varied greatly all these years, and it has everything to do with discipline. You have to take care of yourself, even long after you retire from sports.
2. Embrace Delayed Gratification- No one is an overnight success in the world of sports. It takes a lot of discipline and training to become an elite competitor. Especially in an age where everyone expects instant gratification, I believe it is key to develop this life-skill because the fact is any major accomplishment has to be earned over time.
3. Criticism Isn't A Bad Thing- Any decent coach is always going to point out areas where you can improve. Over the years, I learned to appreciate that only those that really care about my success are willing to provide feedback, both good and bad. I also developed the ability to voice my own constructive criticism, and little did any of us know back then how well this would serve me years later in attempting to revamp the field of family law.
4. Play- We definitely work hard in sports, but we also play a lot. After all, none of the athletes I ever encountered pursued a sport they did not enjoy. We are a passionate bunch-- it is about doing something you love, and doing it well while having fun. If you cannot find time to play, then what is the point???
5. Life Goes On- We all know that you win some, you lose some, and this lesson is very apparent in sports. You can taste sweet victory one day, and suffer a crushing defeat the next. You can be at the top of your game one week, and next thing you know you get injured. We are all taught to work through the pain, and that without pain there is no gain. And should you choose to opt out, life does go on without you because there will always be more players to take part in the games.
In then end, I am eternally grateful for all the lessons I learned as a gymnast, and I can see how they continue to come in handy every day, even though I am not a professional athlete. Through sports you learn about the unpredictable nature of life, the fragility of the human condition, and the importance of perseverance. Hopefully by encouraging our kids to pursue sports, the same will be true for future generations.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: Relationship Alphabet: R is for Repair
Relationship and Marriage Advice | The Gottman Relationship Blog: Relationship Alphabet: R is for Repair: R is for Repair By Zach Brittle, LMHC Repair is easily my favorite concept in the entire Gottman encyclopedia. Typically, we th...
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