Does It Really Matter Who Is At Fault?

As the trend of no-fault divorces has spread over the last 20 years, I have thankfully seen a dramatic decline in the number of clients that want me to portray the other person as Darth Vader.  Don't get me wrong-- there are still some people that would love to have their exs convicted and placed in solitary confinement for life for crimes against humanity, but either they soon realize that divorce court is not criminal court or the economic realities of legal warfare kick in and knock some sense into them.

Most logical human beings are able to grasp that there are two sides to every story, and many are able to accept that each person is always going to be entitled to his/her own point of view on why things unraveled. However, there are some people that just cannot accept any blame for anything-- it is always someone else's fault. These types are a lost cause as far as I'm concerned, but for the remaining 80% of you that can appreciate your less than perfect status as a mere mortal on Earth, I have high hopes for you-- especially when it comes to creating healthy relationships.

We all have different priorities, interests and passions we want to pursue, and a good partner will respect your autonomy to do what you need to do to feel fulfilled.  But as we evolve, sometimes we may find that our interests may compete with one another, and if you are not cut from the same cloth, you will soon find the competition turns into fiery clashes.

Personally, I see myself as a hawk-- I need to be free to fly, I need to hunt, and at the end of the day I need to return a warm, safe nest.  Now, I am happy to share my nest with another-- as long as it remains a safe and inviting place to come home to at night.  Most men I know are exactly the same way-- the problem is that a non-hunter does not always appreciate the work and sacrifices that are made outside the nest.  Their lack of understanding leads to resentment, and those negative feelings seep out into the relationship creating an unstable environment at home.  Who wants to come home to that?  No one.  And so it is that the slow, downward spiral begins as the conflicts continue to escalate until someone eventually hits his/her wall.

Once someone realizes that no one is getting a gold trophy for sucking it up the longest, I don't blame that person for getting out of a bad situation, and I'm so glad that very few courts still care about this any more.  Because really, who cares why the marriage is ending?  The point is that the contract is being terminated, and the focus needs to be on what we do moving forward, especially when children are involved-- and they above all else don't need to know the details of why a divorce is occurring, they just need to know that their parents will continue to care for them, provide for them, and love them.

Parents that can focus on their kids' best interests are the ones who excel at picking their battles with the other parent.  These are people that understand that someone might be a crappy partner, but still be a great father or mother to a child.  They see that the child is not one person's prized possession, but rather a gift that both need to share and enjoy.  Together, I see so many divorced parents put aside their differences in order to identify problems and find solutions that will work for their children.  And it is these same people that I so often see move on after the divorce to find great success both professionally and personally-- because they let the past go, they don't hold grudges, and they accept that it really doesn't matter who was at fault for letting their love die.  As we all know from observing nature: something always has to die so that something else can live.

So, you can mourn the death of your marriage, but don't try to view it a sham or complete waste.  It was an experience, and for better or worse you hopefully learned some valuable lessons that will serve you well in the future.  The sooner you can stop playing the blame game and accept that it took two to tango, the sooner I believe you will find your real love waiting for you to go write the next chapter of your life's story.

Making the Case for Online Dating

I never thought it would come to this, but here I am writing about the importance of keeping an open mind after 35 and trying the online dating scene.  Why?  Well, it really is quite simple-- how else are you going to screen through a bunch of people while juggling work and kids?  We all barely have time for the friends we already have in our lives, so without wasting a ton of time and still preserving our egos and livers, it has become amazingly easy to screen out potential dating candidates online from the comfort of your own home or on your smart phone.

The fact is that over 20% of people are meeting online now, and there are a ton of options that cater to different tastes and preferences.  My last three friends to marry (one is a doctor, the other is a lawyer, and the third is a PR exec) all met their husbands online, and many of my clients, all highly educated and decent people, are finding quality people through the various sites.  Here are the most popular ones that I've heard of:

1. Match.com
2. Zoosk.com (which is also an app with a carousel that lets you scroll through pics);
3. Chemistry.com (which is owned by Match.com and tries to match you based on personalities)
4. Eharmony.com  (known for those wanting a serious relationship)
5. Our Time (for those over 50);
6. How About We... (you finish the sentence by suggesting a fun date)
7. OK Cupid
8. JDate (for those that want to date Jewish people);
9. Christian Mingle (for those that want to date Christians); and
10. Plenty of Fish

If you don't want to s*it where you eat by dating people at work or in your building, which could lead to very awkward situations when things don't work out, then I highly recommend you give the online thing a shot.  I'm not saying it will be easy, and I'm definitely not vouching for the integrity of everyone on those sites.  The fact is there are creeps everywhere, and it is up to you to be savvy about the information you put out there and the measures of precaution you take to guard your safety-- and sanity.

The online scene has definitely improved over the last 10 years, and it can be a lot of fun.  Here's hoping you will feel like a kid in a candy store-- and who knows who you will meet???  You just never know... :)

Don't Get Jaded By The Dating Game

No matter how much of a gamer you are, let's face it, after a while all of us can get tired of the games.  It is exhausting to always have your guard up, to always feel like you are on the hunt, and to always be negotiating for the best terms possible while you are trading assets.  Unfortunately, the more tired you become, the more tempted you might be to lower your standards. And once you do that, let me just warn you, it's a very easy ride down a very slippery slope, and the slow incremental decline might go unnoticed for a while until sadly one day you realize you truly have hit rock bottom.

We have all dated someone that has left us wondering in the end, "WTF, how did I let things get so bad?"  And I know it sucks at the moment, but let me just say this is actually a good thing-- because hopefully it will force you to take a break, regroup, and have you ponder (1) what do you truly need? and (2) what are things you absolutely won't negotiate away in the future?

The clearer you are about what your own agenda is in life and love, the greater your chances of obtaining your goals.  It is all about knowing what you want, and then being your own best advocate for what you believe you deserve.  Personally, I believe there are some basic minimum standards we should all be able to agree are necessary in a life partner: (1) trust-worthy; (2) respectful; (3) kind; (4) generous; (5) able to give and receive love.   Of course there are many other factors that each of us might need but that is simply a matter of personal preferences, which can vary greatly, and over time you may find your preferences will change without ever trading off on those bare minimum standards.

So, if you find you've really hit the bottom of the barrel in the dating world, don't despair.  It is a very polluted pool to swim in, and sometimes for your own sanity, you will need to get out and detox.  This could take 3-9 months, at least that is my pattern, and just make sure you use it wisely.  It's not about having a drawn out pity party at home-- rather it is about using the time to reflect on your vision for the future and the kind of person you want to share it with going forward.

After going through the worst break-up of my life not too long ago, I admit I felt pretty jaded by the whole dating game, so I took a bit of a much needed time out, and during that time I had to acknowledge that I had really let the games go too far.  I then made a conscious choice to not repeat certain behaviors, and by making a commitment to be less of a gamer, a funny thing happened a few months ago-- I wound up meeting a genuinely decent, authentic, down-to-earth guy, who is not into the games at all, which just proves that there are still some out there-- you just need to think about the kind of person you really want to attract first before you head out on your quest for Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Don't Ignore the Money Talks

Over the years, I have had the privilege of working with many forward-thinking couples on developing contracts that govern how couples will handle money and share assets once married. Clearly in light of the Great Recession, this has become a hot-button topic among couples as evidenced by the surge in prenups this past year. Now, I realize this may not be very romantic, but the harsh truth is that couples cannot ignore money discussions, and it will continually be a work in progress for families to work on a realistic budget, saving for retirement and/or college, and paying down debt.

Two people may be in love and yet have completely different views about money. Rather than ignore these differences, they need to talk about them. Unfortunately, many avoid money talks and sometimes naively believe that as long as two people have good incomes, there shouldn't be any problems. In fact, what I've seen is that the more people make, the more they tend to over-extend themselves with expensive homes, cars, etc. Furthermore, those that come from wealthy families have significant external pressure to protect that family wealth, and emotions can run high when legal discussions are involved.

Most lawyers are generally trained to detach from emotions, and once our clients share their concerns with us, it is simply our job to draft the right legal documents to address their concerns, including: (1) cohabitation agreements, (2) prenuptials (aka "prenups") (3) post-nups, (4) trusts or wills, (5) family limited partnerships, and in the unfortunate event that things do not work out (6) Separation Agreements. These are all part of my every day vocabulary, and my firm belief is that as long as people can articulate their concerns and find common ground, the legal contracts drafted should preserve the peace and protect everyone.

For those that have a problem discussing money with their partners, seeking the advice of a neutral person, such as a couple's counselor or certified financial profession to facilitate these difficult talks might be a wise investment. Let's face it, money talks are inevitable and can make or break a couple. Having realistic expectations of what each party can and will contribute financially on the road to happily-ever-after is perhaps not very romantic, but is a reality of life and love in the 21st century.

Here's the tv interview I did for Money Matters on this subject:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MS6ekFYr9Pg

How Do You Reboot?

A lot of people ask me how I am able to decompress, how I find time to write, or how I manage not to let work as a divorce lawyer get me down in the dumps.  One word: boundaries.  Over the past decade, I have really made it a point to detach from work, so that it does not seep into my personal time with family and friends.  My evenings and weekends are mine, and if someone cannot respect that, then we need to terminate the working relationship because my mental and emotional well-being is not for sale.  In the meantime, I have a systematic way of rebooting, and here it is:

1. Meditate- Even just a few minutes in the morning, sitting in absolute silence are just golden.  Give thanks for at least three things in life.  Gratitude and humility go a long way, and there is no better way to start your day that with this in mind.

2. Connect with Nature-- Go for a walk either during lunch, in the evening, or on the weekends.  Take in the sounds and beauty of nature.  There is so much beauty around us-- and if you are like me & into flowers, go buy some for yourself.  Nature has incredible healing powers.

3. Shut off the electronics-- No phone, tv, emails, or electronics for a least a few hours in the evening.  Take time to read or listen to music.  Write in your journal.  Go to the gym and get all your aggression out.

4. Find Your Own Fun- Don't wait for someone to spoil you-- you know what you like and can spoil yourself.  Book a spa appointment, take a language class online, bake some yummy cupcakes, and treat yourself to the movies alone-- no need to compromise with anyone, you pick exactly what you like!

5. Make Time for Loved Ones- It is really hard to coordinate schedules with friends sometimes.  Let's face it we are all very busy and time is a rare commodity, but if you love someone, you have to make time to catch up, check in, show that you care.  Don't take friends and family for granted-- they are your legacy, not your billable hours.

So there you have it, my 5 tips to remaining sane in a crazy world.   Hope you will take some of these tips to heart-- especially this Mother's Day weekend.  And to all those amazing moms out there struggling to find that work-life balance, just know that it can be done-- you will get there, but don't expect it to just happen, you have to find a way to reboot on your own and don't let anyone ignore your boundaries!

Love Is A 2-Way Street

There are a lot of black and white thinkers out there, and two rather harsh sayings that really drill home this point are: (1) there are 2 types of people in this world-- those that like to screw others and those that let themselves get screwed; and (2) there givers and takers in life.  Well, as someone who appreciates a world with varying shades of gray, I would like to think that most human beings at varying times have the capacity to either take or receive,  and play different roles in the screwing process, as is appropriate under different circumstances-- especially when it comes to love.

Love after all is a 2-way street when you are in a healthy, loving relationship.  There should be times when one person may be the one giving, and the other should just graciously receive the gifts being offered, then the next time they would reverse roles, in such a way that they create a balance between them showing mutual love and admiration for one another.  The problem of course is that there are some that are just pure takers, and sadly some incredibly generous souls that keep on giving and giving without realizing that their efforts are simply not being reciprocated or even appreciated.  This is a very unhealthy dynamic, which I call a dysfunctional see-saw.  Remember for a see-saw to work, you both have to make an effort and take turns, otherwise it won't work.

In the divorce world, I see imbalanced relationships every day-- and now even off the clock they are very easy to spot.  It is incredibly clear to me within a few minutes of observing a couple when they both feel like they are equally lucky to be with the other versus when one person clearly is just not as into the other while one appears to have fallen head over heels.  It is very sad to see this lop-sided situation, but even worse  is when you have a major disparity in power.  Those are a recipe for disaster.

No one should ever have the feeling of having the upper hand in a balanced relationship.  When that sentiment exists, that means there is a power imbalance, and this will lead to a lot of friction.  Ultimately the one with the power realizes that s/he can do practically anything and can also walk away at anytime and it just won't matter much, and with such feelings of indifference, apathy becomes inevitable.  Sadly, love cannot exist where there is apathy, and in my opinion that is when you truly hit the point of no return.  

If you want a relationship that will last, then you have to make sure that upfront it feels like there is equality in your passion for one another.  Do you both feel like the signs are telling you this is the one?  Do you both feel like soul mates?  Do you both wake up thinking of each other?  Are you both checking in with one another during the day and/or at night?  Do you both do nice things for each other?  Are you both coming up with plans to do fun things?  Are you both walking around experiencing things together feeling like you have died and gone to heaven?  If you have answered yes to all these questions, then this is how you know you are on the right track-- but don't take it for granted.  To stay on track, you have to constantly put forth the effort together.

Having been on one-way streets more than once, let me just spare you the journey and tell you that the final destination is a Dead End.  So, if that is not where you want to end up, then take a good look in the early stages of your relationship as you first start to pave that road together and make sure the endeavor is indeed a mutual one.

Love is an overused, and often misunderstood word.  Here's hoping someone will walk into your life that gives it real meaning.

5 Key Signs to Watch Out for in That First Fight

I know this is going to sound weird, but I actually like when that first fight takes place with someone.  Why?  Because you actually learn a lot based on how someone reacts to conflict.  Let's just be realistic here-- we are all going to have arguments with our loved ones-- it may take 6 days or 6 months, but it is bound to happen sooner or later, and when it does, pay attention.  How you resolve conflicts is a critical part to making a relationship last.

It is completely normal to have disagreements,  to want different things at times, and have different points of view.  And when something really matters to you, it is okay not be willing to compromise on something.  What is NOT okay is having someone regress to being a three-year old having a temper tantrum because s/he is not getting his/her way.

What classifies at 3-yr old, unacceptable behavior?  Well, for those of you who haven't been around this age-group much recently, let me refresh your memory with my top 5 signs someone lacks the emotional tools to address problems in a positive way:

1. Spewing venom-- when s/he starts cursing, hurling insults, or calls names.  This may seem funny at first, but overtime, I promise this will wear on you.

2. Threats- this is easy to spot, if you don't do this, then I won't do that.  The point is to force a certain outcome from you.  The more hostile the threats, the more you can tell this person has serious anger management issues.

3. Defensive tactics- rather than own up to doing something hurtful, this person will do everything possible to defend his/her position.  Saying "I'm sorry" is simply impossible for these individuals.

4. Blame-shifting- somehow, in ways you will never even be able to logically explain, these people make it all your fault.  They are never in the wrong, it is always you.  At first you may go along with this, but sooner or later you will wake up-- hopefully sooner for your own sake.

5.  Black and white thinkers-- these individuals are unable to see the gray in life.  One person has to be right, the other must be wrong.  They are unable to walk a mile in another person's shoes.  Why? Because they lack empathy-- it is either their way or the highway.

All of these behaviors are actually quite common among children, but they are simply unacceptable from adults-- at least if you want to be in a loving, healthy relationship.  While I realize that we all want to cut someone slack, I can tell you that each and every time I have done that, I have regretted it.  The fact is that when we first start dating someone, that is typically when we are going to be on our best behavior, so if you see signs upfront that someone doesn't know how to fight well, there is ZERO chance of that getting better later on.

Love is not meant to hurt, and being with someone should not make you cry on a regular basis-- unless they are tears of joy.  If you repeatedly keep getting into heated arguments, stop deluding yourself that this is normal or okay, unless you happen to be a glutton for punishment.

Someone who gets so angry at you that they clench their teeth, tense up, and either explode or shut down and refuse to touch you after an argument has issues well beyond what you should try to tackle.  There are many sick, broken people out there, and unless you want to play the role of a social worker in your relationship, I say cut your losses early on and get out.

Now there are also positive signs to watch for in that first fight-- if you find someone with immense emotional maturity that person will see that first conflict as an opportunity to work with you-- to better understand you.  They will calmly hear your side of the story, and then explain their point of view.  They will draw near you and listen, acknowledge your feelings, and stay focused on resolving the issue at hand.  In the end, you will feel like you have actually grown closer, that you met the challenge head on and have moved on to a better place.  Does this sound too good to be true?  I'm sorry to say if that answer is yes, then you haven't experienced a true loving, healthy relationship.

In the end, I'm certainly not suggesting you go pick a fight for no reason, but I am telling you not to be afraid of that first fight.  Just go into it with your eyes wide open-- pay attention to the signs.  A kind soul will make you feel safe to offer a dissenting opinion, and s/he will not rip your head off for making a mistake.  It is that quality above all else that matters in the end, for life is full of conflict, and the world is full of people lacking good coping skills.  So when you find that gifted individual that knows how to fight well with you, then have fun with your first fight for it will teach you a ton-- and then well... go put that adrenaline to some good use and by all means go have some great make-up sex!