Closing the Achievement Gap

A lot of people talk about wanting to close the achievement gap, but few actually put their money where their mouth is.  Today I get to meet some of the most generous people in corporate America-- donors that have spent at least $1000/person for the Albert G. Oliver's annual luncheon in New York City, and it is my job to illustrate what a difference their donations can make in a child's life by sharing my story.

I was born in Queens to an immigrant single mother, and we grew up with government assistance, including government-issued cheese.  I did not know English until I started kindergarten, where I got pulled out for English as a second language.  Fortunately, I was able to learn English quickly and flawlessly.  By the time I was age 14, I was an honor roll student and nationally recognized rhythmic gymnast.

26 years ago, while minding my own business sitting in Junior High, I was called down to the principal's office, where I was introduced to a representative of the Albert G. Oliver program.  After lots of screening interviews, tutoring, tests, and tours of various private schools, I got the gift of a lifetime- the chance to attend Phillips Academy Andover-- free of charge.

In the summers, the Oliver Program helped me obtain internships, and they encouraged us all to do community service.  This way, I built my resume and contacts, so by the time I applied to college, I had my pick of many great schools, just like any other of my Andover peers.

The Oliver Program arranged for a college tour the summer before we all sent out our applications, and this is how I was introduced to Georgetown.  I made DC my home after law school, and for the last 15 years I've been a family law attorney, helping families work out their issues.

Today, I get to run my own firm where I actually promote settlements outside of court, and I enjoy doing a lot of mediation and Collaborative cases.  Now, I may not get paid anywhere near what my corporate colleagues make, but I am surviving, and more importantly I have work-life balance.  I have created  a life where I have choices, and I make it a priority to give back to the community.

In addition to volunteering at my son's school, the past few years I've been able to lecture to students at both Georgetown and GWU Law School.  I mentor students and help train volunteers for the DC Bar Pro Bono Program.  I've spent years helping at the courthouse, with the Women's Bar Association and other non-profit organizations.  Last year, I was able to provide legal commentaries for Sirius XM at least twice a month, and then this past year I was given the opportunity to develop my own tv show for a local public access channel to help families tackle major issues.

I've taken things to a whole new level recently, putting over 20 shows on YouTube to try and spread the word on a national level.  Meanwhile, I've had several essays published and been recognized in various media formats, including blogs, journals, and magazines across the country. 

At age 40, I've been mentioned in the ABA journal twice; ABC has had me on twice; and both the Washington Post and Bethesda Magazine have done feature stories on me and my work.  So the ongoing joke at home is when am I actually going to get paid for any of these endeavors?  I don't have an answer to that, but when people ask "why are you doing all this?"  That I can answer.

Cynics might think I am an ego maniac.  Many think I'm some genius that has figured out how to have my cake and eat it too.  Few understand the truth, but I am going to share that truth today.

The truth is that there is an overwhelming sense of gratitude that I have for the Oliver Program, and at the same time a tremendous sense of guilt-- guilt that I could never repay them.  Well, today is the day I get to pay them back.  Hopefully, sharing my story will prove that it is possible to close the achievement gap-- but it is not easy, and it is not an inexpensive process.  Just look at all the resources it took to create the woman that I am today.

I am who I am because of the generosity of many; because my mother was able to make the ultimate sacrifice of letting me go; and because Oliver believed in me.  To everyone that played a part, all I can say is thank you.

Prenup Trends This Spring

There are a flurry of engagements that occur between the holidays and Valentine's Day.  Now, as many brides are busy planning their weddings this spring, it is my job to draft a ton of prenuptial agreements.  Interestingly enough, I am seeing a very distinct trend where these documents are no longer for the rich and/or famous.  Normal, every day people are getting these prenups done mainly to 1) protect their separate interests and 2) minimize any exposure to alimony. 

Another new trend worth noting is an increasing demand to have future spouses waive any interest in businesses that are in the process of being created-- and I've even seem some Operating Agreements, where the companies are requiring a prenup before they will allow someone to have an intersest in the business.  So, more and more I have to come up with some creative solutions while dealing with an ever increasing need to keep the emotions calm. 

My prenup consults have truly morphed in the last few years to more of a pre-marriage counseling session, where we talk a lot about the benefits and the perils of marriage.  I often give people a list of books they should read, including Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Dr. Chapman's love language quiz is always well received, and I often recommend a few of the videos from my past shows with couples counselors. 

The fact is, love is not enough to weather all storms.  There are some key skills we all need to have if we want to keep a marriage intact, and we have to accept that marriage is always going to be a work in progress.  To embrace the notion of a team and give up the idea of purusing an individual form of happiness is not easy, especially because it is quite contrary to our American culture as Robert Scuka pointed out to me in a recent interview.  Furthermore, we need to accept that happiness is not a permanent state of being-- it is something we have to continue to strive for, as we continue to build on trust, respect and proving our continued commitment to the marriage.  

Why do I bring all this up?  Because the rate of success for marriage is not good-- especially for second marriages.  People need to realize the risk and then see the weak spots as opportunities for further improvement.  While they work on the relationship side of things, it is my job to minimize the legal/financial downside in the event the partnership doesn't succeed.  This really is not very romantic, but almost a necessary evil, which is why I have one final recommendation for engaged couples: don't wait until the last minute to finalize a prenup.  Get it over before those wedding invites go out, and afterwards sit back and enjoy the countdown to your special day.    

Mind the Gap (between generations)

Most days, I don't notice the 13 year age difference with the person I've been seeing, but some days I feel like he must have been transported in time from the dinosaur era.  I have to remind myself that this 1950's baby, who is now in his 50's, was brought up during a time where a man's primary job was to be a good provider.  The fact that he actually pitches in with cooking, cleaning,and some child-raising is rather remarkable, although something most of my GenX peers would expect in their partners. 

There are 3 areas where we seem to have some recurring conflicts of interest, and although none of these are insurmountable, they do require some recognition of our age differences coming into play:

1. Emotional Awareness- Sadly, few if any of the baby boomer men were taught to be emotionally available to their partners-- instead, men were bred to be rocks.  Now don't get me wrong-- having a rock is awesome, but if you require a deep emotional connection with your partner, you may need to exercise some patience while breaking down some bad habits (like bottling things up or trying to bury feelings) and instead learning to create a safe place to talk about concerns and feelings without passing judgments.   Learning how to fight well is never easy, but it is extra hard when you have to try and shift the paradigm by which someone's viewed the world for several decades.

2. Power Battles- Try to keep in mind that men from the baby boomer generation often were raised by stay-at-home mothers, with few divorces and blended family situations back then.  Unlike today where women hold leadership roles in various fields, back then men held ALL the power.  Knowing that boys generally want to emulate their dads, you can easily see then how a baby boomer male may have a really hard time dealing with a fiery, opinionated, and uber independant GenXer that doesn't back down.  It's not so much about intentionally seeking to be dominant, but for an old school guy it may be a shift to truly respect and see a woman as an equal.

3.Stages of Life- I grapple with this one a lot.  Aside from the difference in our energy levels, my focus is still on building my career and getting my son ready for college in 9 years.  At the same time, I want us to enjoy life, and retirement is just not even on my radar.  Meanwhile, the person I've been seeing is much closer to being an empty nester, and he is very focused on retirement and savings.  His worries are so vastly different from mine, and I have to be senstive to this whenever we have financial discussions and make major life decisions.

In the end, I really do enjoy being with someone who sees things differently, and who brings a different skill set to the table, but the generation gap definitely adds a whole new set of challenges to our relationship.  As many of my girlfriends know, I continue to recommend that some GenXers look to older guys as companions, for they are a bit more mellowed out and usually less obsessed with the rat race, but if you do date someone a decade or so older and you want it to last, you need to be cognizant of the 3 key points mentioned above and mind the generation gap.   

Why Shoot for the Moon?

The saying goes "shoot for the moon-- even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."  Some of us, without perhaps having ever heard this saying, just know this instinctively.  Throughout life, I've always been willing to give something a shot-- why?  Well, maybe when you start off with nothing, there just doesn't seem to be much to lose.

25 years ago, there was a scholarship fund in NY that took a poor little girl out of the hood and sent her to a lily-white community in New England.  As the daughter of a single mother, who was an immigrant without a college degree, I did not share much in common with my boarding school peers-- except in the academic arena.  Thanks to the generosity of others, I was afforded every opportunity that my classmates were given to achieve, and I made a life-altering choice to make the best play out of the hand that I was dealt.

In the last couple of years, we can all see how this social science experiment has worked out-- I've  expanded beyond your normal legal career and become an author, lecturer, legal commentator, and local tv host.  At 40, I get to share ideas on a level that many would never even dare to dream of, and much to the chagrin of some of my older colleagues that would prefer I keep my mouth shut about alternative dispute resolution methods.  Indeed promoting healthy relationships and out of court settlements is not going to bring in as much money to many legal service providers, but what they fail to understand is that I wasn't bred to focus on finances-- I was inspired by some of the best thinkers in this country to share great ideas and build on the work of others to help all those around me. 

A few months ago, Arianna Huffington spoke at GW, which is my alma mater, and she said that you should never underestimate someone.  She gave the example of a mosquito in a room, and how that one tiny creature could make your life miserable when you are trying to go to sleep at night.  Well, I guess I'm like that mosquito.  Because I can never repay the people who provided me with such amazing opportunities in my academic and professional career, not only do I try to pay it forward, but I want everyone else to think about what they could do to help improve our communities and inspire the next generation.

I wish I could have been born with a trust fund so that I could support so many of the great causes out there, but I accept that fate had something else in store for me.  Although I may lack funds, I do not lack ingenuity.  Using my connections, I do my best with my weekly pro bono tv show to promote local non-profits and healthy families, and in addition this month I will plant some more seeds at my son's elementary school as a volunteer for Junior Achievement.  The icing on the cake will be heading to NY next week as the guest speaker for an Albert G. Oliver fundraiser-- now this was the program that gave me my first big break in life, and if there is one thing I want to make sure those donors realize is that there money is definitely being well spent.  Even if none of the AGO Scholars ever reach the moon, they will fall among shining stars. 

5 Key Tips When Merging Households

Fifteen years ago when I got married for the first time, it was so easy to merge households-- we both had nothing and were basically starting from scratch.  When we had to untangle everything, we remained civil and amicable for the most part, and for the last 8 years I've continued to keep all my accounts and everything separate-- until now.  Luckily, the methodical side of me was able to ensure a smooth transition, from a practical point of view, and maybe others will benefit from this check list too, so here it is:

(1) Talk about what your shared/joint expenses are going to be and how they will get paid.
(2) Open a joint account and one joint credit card, where you can earn points together.  You should both review this monthly and set a limit for how much someone can charge without the other's consent.
(3) Update your address with all your creditors, etc. Notify DMV, voter's registration, and all your service providers.
(4) Notify your insurance companies and add on additional drivers as needed.
(5) Avoid arguing over what should stay or go in terms of furntiure or artwork, etc. 

Let's talk about point #5 as the rest are pretty self explanatory.  Instead of getting into heated battles over whose crap should go, try to create 3 categories: 1) yes, we'll keep it; 2) no, can't stand it; and 3) maybe I can live with it.   If you have different tastes, resist putting everything in category 2 because you need to be cognizant of the fact that there may be some things that someone is sentimentally attached.  While at first glance it may seem there is very little you can stand, try to avoid automatically exerting veto power without any discretion.  Trust me-- this won't end well.

Ultimately, you can't force someone to get rid of everything, but that also shouldn't mean you need to deal with it all in your sacred space.  Maybe he gets to have his man cave, where the things you don't like will be out of sight.  Or perhaps the office away from home can house some things.  Maybe you need to ask a relative to keep a few family heirlooms for you.  Storage facilities are another option.  What I found to be one of the best solutions was to sell or donate a few items and just start new. 

Merging households later in life is not easy, but if you can keep in mind that the reason you are going through such difficult tasks is because you love each other and want to be together, it should all work out okay.  Just be considerate of each other's wants and desires while trying to find solutions that will work for everyone in the new household.  Easier said than done, I know, but I'm not asking you to try something I haven't lived through myself.  Just remember- finding the right house and spouse is the hard part, the rest should be a walk in the park. 

Hit the Road Jack (or Jill)

This week, I had the pleasure of interviewing Becky Lee, who founded Becky's Fund, which is a local non-profit that not only promotes awareness of domestic violence, but also seeks to prevent it through education seminars and outreach programs.  I could not agree more with her that a huge problem we have today is that there isn't a good understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like.  What we see on tv is not real, and educators as well as parents need to make more of a concerted effort to teach children good relationship/life skills.

The fact is one in four women will experience some sort of abusive episode with a partner.  Whether it is verbal or physical abuse, no one should have to live this way, and yet, unfortunately many people don't realize what a vulnerable position they are in until things are really bad. 

Over the years, I have seen so many people fall into an incredibly vulnerable position.  By allowing one person to control all the money and not having any of your own credit cards or bank accounts, you are leaving yourself in a very precarious situation if things go awry.  How will you ever be able to survive on your own in case of an emergency? When one person holds all of the economic power in a relationship, the other one is left in a very weak bargaining position.  No one should ever let him/herself get to this point.  The best place to be is always being in a secure enough place where you can either walk away or tell the other party s/he needs to leave if s%*t really hits the fan.

My goal is obviously to have people work through issues, and I understand that intimate relationships are always complicated.  Both partners will have to give and take at different times, and ideally a couple will be able to master the art of skillful negotations and reaching compromise.  But it is an art that not everyone can master, and when things get nasty, you need to be able to have an escape plan.  How can you exit safely when you don't have any of your own resources?  Luckily, there are some great shelters and advocates that can help a person get to a safe location.  But instead of being in a reactive position, it is so much better to be proactive.  Always strive to maintain enough independance through your own education and economic resources to be able to say "hit the road Jack!"    

Blending Traditions

Inter-faith and inter-racial marriages are the new norm in the 21st century, but it would be naive of us to think that these unions  no longer face unusual challenges.  Many of my friends have strived to blend their traditions, but not without some very difficult discussions with extended families, who of course will want to weigh in-- especially when children come into the mix.

I am all for mixing things up, but I do think that couples need to have some serious discussions about how they will handle religion, and passing on culture, heritage, and language skills to their children.  These are not the kinds of talks you want to put off until after a child is actually born.  Rather, before you ever walk down the aisle, you need to have a candid discussion with your partner about the things that matter most to you about your own beliefs and culture. 
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