Emotional Rollercoasters

The first seven years of my career as a divorce lawyer, I focused on the business-side of the break ups-- then I went through my own divorce, and I got to experience first-hand the emotional rollercoaster that so many of my clients experience when they come to see me.  The grief cycle takes its toll on the entire family, and the fact is not everyone will be in sync as they go through the series of emotions.  So, to put it bluntly, it is normal for everyone to feel out of whack in different ways at different times.

Thanks to my increased involvment in mediation and the Collaborative Process, I've had the privilege of working with some of the most brilliant mental health professionals in the DC Area.   These experts have helped me understand the emotional side of the divorce, and helped normalize a lot of crazy behavior that previously made no sense to me.  This week, I get to share some of those insights during my interview with Jill Ladd, who was among those recently named by the Washingtonian as a top therapist in our area.

Families going through a divorce are highly likely to experience depression, anxiety, and/or anger while dealing with this situation.  Parents need to keep their emotions in check, and try as best they can to keep things stable for their kids.  It is not easy, but we need to remember that children are the innocent ones, and they are far more vulnerable and fragile.  Fear of the unknown is quite common, and little ones that haven't experienced much change should be spared as much trauma as possible.

Life post-divorce continues to bring new challenges for these families, and Jill did a great job providing tips for parents as they begin to date and/or blend families.  One key point is that just as Rome was not built in a day, you can't expect a family to restructure itself overnight.  We need to give things time, and proceed with caution.  Remember, not everyone loves rollercoasters.  Some of us have a highly developed built-up tolerance to the ups and downs of life, but many (especially children) prefer a calm ride along a lazy river.

Keeping all this in mind, we can all do our part to better society by encouraging families in transition to be aware of emotions that may be clouding sound judgment.  Rather than fuel the fire when a friend, colleague or relative is going through a divorce, we can all try our best to calm things down and encourage the use of external resources as needed.  This will also do a great service to the family's pocket book.  As one of my friends pointed out with great dismay in his own nasty divorce, there is a huge transfer of wealth going on-- not from one spouse to another, but from his children's college funds to that of the attorneys' children.  It would be funny if it wasn't true, but that is the sad reality of many divorce rollercoaster rides when left unattended.  Passengers need to beware.
 

Trips Down Memory Lane

We all get nostalgic every now and then, but nothing forces us to take a trip down memory lane like a move.  After my divorce, I lived in the same condo for seven years, and I hate to admit it, but there are some boxes that never got opened during all that time.  Meanwhile, I did not realize how much more I managed to accumulate over the last several years until this past month when I had to pack everything up for my move.  Thankfully, I was not alone in this venture, and the new place is something my son and I are looking forward to enjoying.

The past few weeks have been exhausting, not just physically, but mentally.  I actually remember the source of most gifts, and so with each item that gets unwrapped, a whole flurry of memories and emotions wash over me as I think about that connection when it was first made, how it developed, and where it is in its present state.  I have been so fortunate to have generous friends throughout my life, not all of which are still in contact with me, but nonetheless the memories remain.  That saying continues to ring true-- some came into my life for a season, some for a reason, and very few became life-long friends.  No matter what role they all played, however, I am eternally grateful for the love that they all showed me at some point along life's journey.

Years ago, Dr. Robert Emery mentioned in a lecture that you know your client is done with the grief cycle when s/he can hold all three emotions (anger, sadness and love) simultaneously.  At the time, I was not quite sure how that could be possible, and yet that is exactly where I find myself today.  With all the past loves that are now gone, I can honestly say I am disappointed they did not work out, sad about the lost contact, and yet happy that we shared those moments, because I would not be who I am today, nor where I am today, without all those lessons.  Each failed relationship has indeed taught me volumes-- not just about my wants and needs, but honestly about my own shortcomings.  The fact is until recently I was not a very forgiving or patient person.  When something ceased to be fun, that was my cue that it was time to move on, and yet, it is that precise attitude that kept me from letting anyone into my life the last seven years.  Only once I recognized the flaw in my own logic was I able to switch the course of my path towards self destruction.

As much as I wasn't planning on taking a trip down memory lane this past month, it's been good for me-- it's a great reminder of where I came from and a good source to then measure if at 40, I really am where I want to be in life.  Even though I may not know what lies ahead, one thing is for sure-- I will not miss being single.  While single life certainly had its perks, it pales in comparison to the benefits and joy of being part of a team.  To all those that have helped impart that lesson on me throughout the years, I quite humbly want to say thank you. 

Embracing Change

In the business world, you either keep evolving or you become extinct, it is that simple.  It has been the same in the animal kingdom for centuries-- either you adapt to your changing environment, or you will die.  Change is a normal part of life, and especially within families, it is a naturally recurring theme-- kids grow up, they move out, they get married, then maybe they will add to the family by having kids of their own; in the meantime, someone may get sick, die or divorce.  Families are constantly being restructured with a variety of different characters-- and this is precisely what has kept me so intrigued in the field of family law, but I've recently come to learn that not everyone shares my enthusiasm in these changes.

I think blended families is a misnomer-- it sort of conjures up the impression of everyone being thrown into a blender at once, and out comes this amazing smoothie.  Yeah, well not so much-- I think a better image would be to think of a fruit salad in progress.  Think more of a banana that is reluctantly co-existing with an orange, then some strawberries enter the mix along with a slightly acidic pineapple, and ever so slowly you need to convince the various fruit parts to appreciate the benefits they all bring to each other when combined into one happy family. 

With the sale of my home behind me, and big changes ahead, I am increasingly cognizant of the advice so many of my thoughtful colleagues have given me throughout the years-- particularly the need to proceed slowly when little ones are involved.  I guess I took it for granted that we all embrace change as a reality of life, but actually most do not.  In fact, many see it as scary versus exciting-- especially children that might fear the unknown.  Preparing our kids for life is our duty as parents, so I'm not at all backing down from this challenge-- this is an important life lesson, but it is one I unwittingly took for granted all these years.  While embracing change is a key life skill, it is not inherent in everyone.  Here's hoping I'm as good at teaching as I am at doing...

Embracing Equal Rights

This week, President Obama made history by being the first-ever to mention gay rights in an Inauguration Speech.  It was such an amazing moment to share with my son and brother, as we stood less than a mile away from the President while he emphasized the need for all of us to continue working together to promote equal rights for all.

While progress has definitely been made in the past decade, with about 13 states now recognzing gay marriages, we still have the issue of DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) that prevents gay couples from obtaining many federal privileges that so many of us take for granted.   Thankfully, there are now two key cases pending Supreme Court review this Spring, which may lead to further progress on the gay rights movement.

I believe that the more people understand what is at stake here, the less conflict there will be about the need to support this cause, which seeks to provide equal treatment under the law for all.  In that vein, it was an honor and privilege for me do my part this week by having Michele Zavos as a guest for my upcoming tv show.  Michele has been a dedicated advocate for the LGTB community in the DC Area for over 30 years, and our segment will air next Wednesday and Thursday evening for Montgomery Municipal Cable.  Hope you will all tune in! 

How do we develop our kids Social IQ?

Cathi Cohen's book "Raising Your Kids Social IQ" is such a great resource for all parents!  We re-aired the segment on this a couple of time.  Here is the link to our tv interview on this topic:

http://mmctv.granicus.com/MediaPlayer.php?view_id=3&clip_id=832

Avoiding Disappointment on Valentine's Day

In 2013, I am embracing the mantra that we are each responsible for our own happiness.  I refuse to let others rain on my parade.  With this in mind, I gently reminded my date about a week ago that Valentine's Day is coming up and that I'd like for us to celebrate with a dinner out.  Understanding that we have other obligations, I wanted to make sure we picked a day that worked with our schedules, and then I asked whether he wanted to make the reservation or if I should-- it didn't matter to me either way, I just wanted it done.  A week later, I was pleasantly surprised to hear that he had taken care of our plans, and then it struck me-- wow, I've come such a long way! Gone are the days when I expect anyone to read my mind, and I am no longer wasting time and energy worrying about whether plans are in the works or not.  It is so much easier to just put it all out there, and I can only hope others wishing to remain sane will do the same.

Valentines' Day is now three weeks away, and I"m sure most women are thinking about the lingerie they want to buy, the special something they will bake for their special someone, or the gift.  If you are anything like me, the card and gift have already been purchased.  Ok, I realize I'm a bit weird, but more importantly here is the thing about most guys--  it is probably not even on their radar yet-- not at all, unless of course, they are getting ready to pop the question on that day.

I used to think that guys were just pigs, and that it was my special mission to find the exception to that rule.  Well, in the past few years I've adjusted my thinking a bit-- they aren't actually cruel, it's just that most are clueless.  We can either choose to get mad about that fact, or we can accept that reality and do our part to clue them in.  I've chosen the latter approach these past few years, and I don't think it is a coincidence that adopting this new attitude is how I finally find myself much happier.

Now for those that are not in a committed relationship right now, I encourage you to avoid bashing the day, as I once did.  Literally, one year I took a heart shaped pinata and smacked the crap out of it while hosting an anti-V day party.  That led to some really bad love karma that year, and so I learned to just embrace V-day as a more global celebration of love in general.  So, whether it is with a bunch of friends, your children, your family, siblings, whatever, find a loved one to share Valentine's Day and embrace it as your day, however you choose to celebrate it.  A positive attitude will lead to positive things, and it will avoid the sting of disappointment-- I promise.

Planning a Second Wedding

Fifteen years ago, I went to the DC courthouse to apply for my first marriage license at 25.  This week, I found myself walking down that same corridor and sitting in the same office waiting to get my second one.  As I waited for them to call me, I could not help but think about how different I am as a 40 year old bride-- so much wiser, calmer and totally no nonsense.  This maturity and insight has come at a hefty price, and I can only hope that it will pay off the second time around.

This time, we are doing immediate family only, and I am so much clearer about how I want things to be for us and what is really important.  While I hope people will be happy for us, I honestly don't care what they think-- I really no longer care about meeting anyone else's expectations anymore, just the ones we set for ourselves.  In this mindframe, it is quite liberating to plan this event without any input from outside forces-- no negotiating on religious beliefs or worrying about what we'll be like as parents.  We've already been there, done that.  We are who we are, and we are not having any more kids, so the pressure is truly off, and this time it is just a celebration about finding love again.

Even though this is a second wedding, there are many firsts for me-- including most importantly that I will have my brothers there, and my dad will get to give me away, now that the whole family has been reunited. I don't think I fully understood this 15 years ago, but there was definitely a hole in my heart the last go around when they were not in my life, and so it is with great joy that we will all get to share this special day together this summer.

Meanwhile, the groom here is still just coming to understand that when I say "low-key" that does not mean "no-key." At first he was a bit shocked to learn that I was hunting down some musicians and photographers for the event, but as a true sign that he's come such a long way in understanding me, the second he saw my puppy-dog eyes he just said, "whatever makes you happy honey."  If he can embrace that mantra, we will be just fine.

So it is that with the help of many friends, this event is quickly coming together, and soon I will be turning my focus towards finding that perfect dress-- but NOT your fluffy, ridiculously expensive type that you only wear once.  I refuse to waste money on things like that, or flowers that will die, or favors that no one will keep.  It is not that this day isn't special, but there are some major behind-the-scenes complexities involved with the merger of households and blending of families that deserve far more of our resources than a one-day affair.

In the end, Ive come to realize that the naive 25 year old girl with the butterflies in her stomach, who believed love would just conquer all was doomed from the beginning.  In that marriage bureau someone should have clued her in to the facts of life.   Love doesn't conquer all, and in order to have the happily-ever-after, you need to embrace two key realities: (1) no one is perfect, so you need to practice the ability to forgive and (2) the art of compromise is key to having a marriage survive.  It's taken me the last 7 years while flying solo to fully grasp these points, and now I need to try to and heed my wise godfather's advice: you are responsible for 80% of your happiness, and your groom is responsible for 20%.  I think I had those percentages reversed the first time around, but not this time.