Throughout life, I have been repeatedly disappointed whenever close relationships have faded away because someone moved or there was a change in life circumstances, such as a new job, new boyfriend, or new baby. I have also routinely been disheartened when people have not done the right thing, or they seem incapable of looking at a situation from another person's perspective. Yet, the fact is that most people have a hard time juggling multiple relationships, and the "out of sight, out of mind" syndrome seems to be quite prevalent in our society. Having the capacity to view a problem from various angles and to value different perspectives is not a common trait. Over time, these qualities have proven to be a blessing, and also a curse for me.
This year, when I found my father and extended family, I had no expectations as to how anyone would react. Precisely because I did not have any expectations in what would transpire, I could only be pleasantly surprised if even one person showed an ounce of kindness. The glorious homecoming was not only made possible because the people I found were so warm and friendly, but also because the bar was set so low in my own mind as to how they would react. This amazingly rare set of circumstances is what enabled the "Gang of Eight" to become part of a very rare group of people that have ever managed to exceed my expectations.
With any relationship, it is normal as time wears on, to have expectations build. And this is why, it is also quite normal that we will eventually disappoint one another. It is impossible to always say or do exactly what another one wants us to say or do. We all have our bad days or our narcisstic moments, and that is why when times get tough it is the best test to whether a relationship is solid or not. We can all get along when we are on our best behavior, but what about when we are not? Times of conflict are not just the best times for us to test the strength of a bond, but also a time for us to look inward and maybe reassess the expectations we have for our work colleagues, family and friends. Often, the problem is not just one-sided, and the best solution may be for us to readjust our thinking and reset our expectations. It may not be easy to do this, but if the choice is to readapt or live a lonely existence, I for one am opting for the former.
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Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Do You Live to Work or Work to Live?
I think it is safe to say that most people work in order to live, but some of us are fortunate enough to love our work, and it may be said that we live to work. We love what we do, it is a passion that consumes us, and it is a huge part of our identity. For those that fall into this latter category, I think it is really important to be aware of this characteristic within ourselves and to appreciate that most people are not like us. This becomes particularly critical when picking a partner-- for it can really be a problem if one person hates to work, while the other is a workaholic.
When people meet early in life-- such as high school or college sweethearts, it is still too early to tell whether someone is going to be addicted to his/her work. Later on, as careers are defined and take on a key role in someone's life, if the other partner cannot adapt to this change, it can cause an insurmountable divide between the two parties. There are some who meet already entrenched work-junkies and delude themselves into thinking that this person will change his/her priorities for the right relationship. Others are quite drawn to the intensity exhibited by a person driven by his/her work. In either case, as time wears on, it is often the fact that the partner not married to his/her work eventually starts to resent the time and effort that his/her partner is putting into work commitments. If these concerns are not addressed and a compromise is not reached early on, I believe these relationships are doomed.
After observing the dynamics describe above for some time, I am convinced that the best partnerships for career-driven people are with those who share that same core value. Those that are equally work-motivated will have a level of respect and understanding for each other that few others can share. Finding time to coordinate calendars and schedule time together may not be easy for such "power couples" and yet if there is love I believe they will find a way to make it work, precisely because they have to realize that meeting someone with whom they share not only a spark, but also a major philosophical view towards the work/life balance, is like finding a needle in a haystack.
If you are lucky enough to find that needle, don't discard it with haste the first time you hit a hiccup in the romance. All relationships require work-- and especially ones involving power couples, where you have two very dynamic personalities. In the heat of an argument, which is bound to happen sooner rather than later with two fiery personalties, ask yourself this: how often does someone really get you? When you find that person that completely syncs with you, and is not out to change your work ethic but actually loves you because of it, make sure to take a step back and appreciate the gem you have just found.
When people meet early in life-- such as high school or college sweethearts, it is still too early to tell whether someone is going to be addicted to his/her work. Later on, as careers are defined and take on a key role in someone's life, if the other partner cannot adapt to this change, it can cause an insurmountable divide between the two parties. There are some who meet already entrenched work-junkies and delude themselves into thinking that this person will change his/her priorities for the right relationship. Others are quite drawn to the intensity exhibited by a person driven by his/her work. In either case, as time wears on, it is often the fact that the partner not married to his/her work eventually starts to resent the time and effort that his/her partner is putting into work commitments. If these concerns are not addressed and a compromise is not reached early on, I believe these relationships are doomed.
After observing the dynamics describe above for some time, I am convinced that the best partnerships for career-driven people are with those who share that same core value. Those that are equally work-motivated will have a level of respect and understanding for each other that few others can share. Finding time to coordinate calendars and schedule time together may not be easy for such "power couples" and yet if there is love I believe they will find a way to make it work, precisely because they have to realize that meeting someone with whom they share not only a spark, but also a major philosophical view towards the work/life balance, is like finding a needle in a haystack.
If you are lucky enough to find that needle, don't discard it with haste the first time you hit a hiccup in the romance. All relationships require work-- and especially ones involving power couples, where you have two very dynamic personalities. In the heat of an argument, which is bound to happen sooner rather than later with two fiery personalties, ask yourself this: how often does someone really get you? When you find that person that completely syncs with you, and is not out to change your work ethic but actually loves you because of it, make sure to take a step back and appreciate the gem you have just found.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Trust Your Gut, and Cut Yourself Some Slack
After a bad break-up, it is common to doubt your ability to judge someone. Some of us have a tendency to be particularly hard on ourselves and wonder how we could have ever made such a stupid mistake being with an inappropriate partner. But the fact is everyone has at some point or another let someone into their lives that they should not have, and the real question is whether getting involved in the beginning made sense with the information available at that time.
Dating is an exercise in gathering information: (1) who is this person? (2) what is this person's background; and (3) where is this person heading? As soon as your gut starts to tell you this is not a good fit, trust it and move on. There is no point in wasting anyone's time, money or emotional energy. As soon as I realize, I could be better entertained reading a book at home, or deep-conditioning my hair, I know it is time to eject. Our time off the clock is precious, and we should be picky about who we choose to share it with-- it should be someone that we enjoy and are at peace with, someone that can make us laugh and comfort us during trying times. A partner in life that you could see yourself with every day is an incredibly special role that not just anyone will be able for fill.
The longer you have been playing the dating game, the more in tune you are (I think) with what you want and what you cannot stand. Malcom Gladwell's Blink helped me understand that those decisions I make in the blink of an eye should not be dismissed as rash, rather I should give credit to the fact that a lot of experience has gone into my ability to judge people quickly. For over a decade, I have heard the most initimate secrets in people's lives, and I have had to decide within one hour whether I want to work with a person or not through one of their worst moments in life. My professional skills can be carried over to my personal life, and honestly I am done apologizing for the fact that within 30 minutes I am either going to decide that it is time to get the check or order a second round. So my advice today for my peers in the dating world is to trust your gut, and cut yourself some slack.
Dating is an exercise in gathering information: (1) who is this person? (2) what is this person's background; and (3) where is this person heading? As soon as your gut starts to tell you this is not a good fit, trust it and move on. There is no point in wasting anyone's time, money or emotional energy. As soon as I realize, I could be better entertained reading a book at home, or deep-conditioning my hair, I know it is time to eject. Our time off the clock is precious, and we should be picky about who we choose to share it with-- it should be someone that we enjoy and are at peace with, someone that can make us laugh and comfort us during trying times. A partner in life that you could see yourself with every day is an incredibly special role that not just anyone will be able for fill.
The longer you have been playing the dating game, the more in tune you are (I think) with what you want and what you cannot stand. Malcom Gladwell's Blink helped me understand that those decisions I make in the blink of an eye should not be dismissed as rash, rather I should give credit to the fact that a lot of experience has gone into my ability to judge people quickly. For over a decade, I have heard the most initimate secrets in people's lives, and I have had to decide within one hour whether I want to work with a person or not through one of their worst moments in life. My professional skills can be carried over to my personal life, and honestly I am done apologizing for the fact that within 30 minutes I am either going to decide that it is time to get the check or order a second round. So my advice today for my peers in the dating world is to trust your gut, and cut yourself some slack.
Friday, October 7, 2011
What Will It Cost to Get Divorced?
At the end of all my initial consults, I always get this question- what will it cost to get divorced? Sadly, no one can answer this burning question. Divorce lawyers have an ethical obligation to charge by the hour; we cannot take cases on a contingency basis tied to a percentage of the assets. While we can all tell you what our hourly rates are based on our educational backgrounds, years of experience, and recognition with the community, no one can predict how many hours of work it will take to get someone divorced. So, in typical lawyer fashion, the response to this question is "it depends."
I have seen divorces cost as little as $700-- basically 2 hours of consultation time to review an agreement already written and help with the court documents. That is a client's best case scenario, which is almost unheard of and should not be considered a realistic expectation. On the other hand, I have seen nasty divorces where the parties spent over $300,000 in legal fees. The likelihood of a high-conflict divorce is only about 20% of all cases, so hopefully most will not have pay the latter some to obtain their freedom.
The more clients are able to handle themselves, the less they will incur in legal fees. If the parties are able to work out major issues themselves, then the involvement of an attorney will not be very time consuming. If they can go to a mediator and split the fee to have this professional work through the issues that need to be part of a formal agreement, again the parties will be saving themselves a tremendous amount in fees. If the parties want their own attorneys but are able to envision a Collaborative Process, where everyone works together to gather the relevant information and find reasonable solutions to the issues at hand, this should also be far less expensive than engaging in full-blown litigation, where the attorneys have to issue subpeonas, conduct depositions, make multiple court appearances, and deal with trial exhibits, experts, etc.
In the end, I wish I could eliminate the huge fear of unknown legal expenses for my clients, but I cannot-- because I do not control the other side or his/her attorney. At least with consults and mediation sessions, most of us can allow clients to operate in a pay-as-you model. Perhaps in the Collaborative approach we can predict that within 4 two-hour meetings you should accomplish certain things, and we can let you budget for those 4 meetings, then if a case is still pending and clients need time to obtain additional financing, we can stop the process to allow for this. Sadly, in litigation, these costs saving mechanisms cannot be applied, and large retainers are necessary to ensure sufficient funds are available to cover the extensive work that will be required of the legal professionals involved. Clients need to remember that the more they want to fight, the more it will cost. Ulimately, only a client can decide which battles are worth pursuing-- preferrably without losing sight of the emotional and financial costs associated with their choices.
I have seen divorces cost as little as $700-- basically 2 hours of consultation time to review an agreement already written and help with the court documents. That is a client's best case scenario, which is almost unheard of and should not be considered a realistic expectation. On the other hand, I have seen nasty divorces where the parties spent over $300,000 in legal fees. The likelihood of a high-conflict divorce is only about 20% of all cases, so hopefully most will not have pay the latter some to obtain their freedom.
The more clients are able to handle themselves, the less they will incur in legal fees. If the parties are able to work out major issues themselves, then the involvement of an attorney will not be very time consuming. If they can go to a mediator and split the fee to have this professional work through the issues that need to be part of a formal agreement, again the parties will be saving themselves a tremendous amount in fees. If the parties want their own attorneys but are able to envision a Collaborative Process, where everyone works together to gather the relevant information and find reasonable solutions to the issues at hand, this should also be far less expensive than engaging in full-blown litigation, where the attorneys have to issue subpeonas, conduct depositions, make multiple court appearances, and deal with trial exhibits, experts, etc.
In the end, I wish I could eliminate the huge fear of unknown legal expenses for my clients, but I cannot-- because I do not control the other side or his/her attorney. At least with consults and mediation sessions, most of us can allow clients to operate in a pay-as-you model. Perhaps in the Collaborative approach we can predict that within 4 two-hour meetings you should accomplish certain things, and we can let you budget for those 4 meetings, then if a case is still pending and clients need time to obtain additional financing, we can stop the process to allow for this. Sadly, in litigation, these costs saving mechanisms cannot be applied, and large retainers are necessary to ensure sufficient funds are available to cover the extensive work that will be required of the legal professionals involved. Clients need to remember that the more they want to fight, the more it will cost. Ulimately, only a client can decide which battles are worth pursuing-- preferrably without losing sight of the emotional and financial costs associated with their choices.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Witnessing the Demise of a Marriage
This week, I witnessed the end of three marriages-- one was a decade old; the other two decades; the third was over 30 years. None were easy, and all were handled quite differently-- one was Collaborative, the other a negotiated settlement, the third went to trial and is in the hands of a judge right now. It may surprise you to know that the most difficult was actually the Collaborative case, which involved young children.
Being a divorce lawyer is like performing an amputation, without any anesthesia. The technical side of what I must to is easy, but it actually pains me to see people struggle to figure out the reason why they are getting divorced-- something that may plague them for some time, but that the courts may not give much weight to in determining a fair division of the marital pie. While people are wrapped up in the emotions, to the professionals it is a businesss transaction, where the sooner the person learns to detach from the emotions, the better off s/he will be in terms of making sound decisions.
Some people seem to think there has to be a major trangression to cause a divorce. Those are actually rare-- more often it is a culmanation of various factors that have built up over time. A couple's inability to resolve conflict, a lack of shared values or vision for the future, repeated affronts to someone's dignity and respect, and/or a failure to communicate effectively and show one another love and consideration, all add up until finally one person finds the courage to end this unhealthy existence in the hopes of something better--- even if that means possibly living the rest of one's life in solitude.
No one dreams of getting married and then getting divorced. 80% of Americans get married and obviously hope for a happily-ever-after ending together. Unfortunately, that won't be in the cards for half of us, even when you marry your best friend for all the right reasons. Feelings of anger, sadness, fear, betrayal and/or injustice are all normal, but to remain stuck with those sentiments is not. My goal is to get people past the worst point so they can move on to a better place-- so they can start a new chapter in their lives. As my own case shows, who knows what that might bring?
If I was following the Eat, Pray, Love model, I should have only spent a year soul-searching and then found love. Instead, I defied everyone's prediction that I would be remarried by now, and it has almost become a badge of honor that I choose to stay single because I refuse to settle. Meanwhile, I surprised myself this year with the amazing discovery of the family I had always longed for and an incredible sense of peace I never knew possible. Would I opt to be in an intact relationship with Mr. Right today? Absolutely, but not if it would have meant I would miss the opportunity to now have in my life my rightful family. This is one instance where the end does now help justify the means -- the last 6 years were not easy, but the payoff turned out to be beyond my wildest dreams. All this and more is what I will continue to hope for as I help guide others through what seems like their darkest hours.
Being a divorce lawyer is like performing an amputation, without any anesthesia. The technical side of what I must to is easy, but it actually pains me to see people struggle to figure out the reason why they are getting divorced-- something that may plague them for some time, but that the courts may not give much weight to in determining a fair division of the marital pie. While people are wrapped up in the emotions, to the professionals it is a businesss transaction, where the sooner the person learns to detach from the emotions, the better off s/he will be in terms of making sound decisions.
Some people seem to think there has to be a major trangression to cause a divorce. Those are actually rare-- more often it is a culmanation of various factors that have built up over time. A couple's inability to resolve conflict, a lack of shared values or vision for the future, repeated affronts to someone's dignity and respect, and/or a failure to communicate effectively and show one another love and consideration, all add up until finally one person finds the courage to end this unhealthy existence in the hopes of something better--- even if that means possibly living the rest of one's life in solitude.
No one dreams of getting married and then getting divorced. 80% of Americans get married and obviously hope for a happily-ever-after ending together. Unfortunately, that won't be in the cards for half of us, even when you marry your best friend for all the right reasons. Feelings of anger, sadness, fear, betrayal and/or injustice are all normal, but to remain stuck with those sentiments is not. My goal is to get people past the worst point so they can move on to a better place-- so they can start a new chapter in their lives. As my own case shows, who knows what that might bring?
If I was following the Eat, Pray, Love model, I should have only spent a year soul-searching and then found love. Instead, I defied everyone's prediction that I would be remarried by now, and it has almost become a badge of honor that I choose to stay single because I refuse to settle. Meanwhile, I surprised myself this year with the amazing discovery of the family I had always longed for and an incredible sense of peace I never knew possible. Would I opt to be in an intact relationship with Mr. Right today? Absolutely, but not if it would have meant I would miss the opportunity to now have in my life my rightful family. This is one instance where the end does now help justify the means -- the last 6 years were not easy, but the payoff turned out to be beyond my wildest dreams. All this and more is what I will continue to hope for as I help guide others through what seems like their darkest hours.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Is The Way We Fall In Love Genetic?
According to The Good Marriage, there are 4 ways people typically fall in love:
1) there are those with a savior complex, who want to rescue the one in need;
2) there are friends, who are equals and eventually develop a romantic spark;
3) there are those who just fall in love at first sight; and
4) there are those who believe in the traditional marriage roles, and appreciate the other for his/her ability to dutifully complete the tasks associated with those roles.
Research shows that the fourth model is dying out, and meanwhile there has been a dramatic increase in friends meeting in school or at work and then developing a romantic relationship, especially as women have consistently been gaining ground over the last 40 years in graduate school and the work force. Both of these models seem primarily driven by learned social behavior- but what about the other two? For those that seek the thrill of playing a savior role or love at first sight, contrary to every cautionary tale out there, could it be that there is a genetic component to what makes us fall in love?
Some of us are simply wired to want to fix things, help others and make the world as perfect as possible. The "savior complex" my brother sees in me serves me well at work, but I have learned that it is a disaster to try to play this role with your partner. You wind up taking on the role of a parent/care-taker,and they start to see you as a nag. Eventually, you both become exhausted and frustrated with the vicious cycle and the romance completely fizzles.
Love at first sight-- it may surprise many of you to hear that I have definitely been a victim of this, more than just once. I remember when I first met my high school sweetheart and had this "wow" moment, which is very difficult to explain, but it feels like you have butterflies in your stomach, and you get all tongue tied. Same thing when I first met my ex-husband back in 1993. Post-divorce, I am happy to say that even after suffering some broken heart moments, the fireworks are still possible in your 30's and 40's (and from what I've heard even in your 50's and 60's).
Having never witnessed a couple's intimate interactions growing up, and not ever being privy to how my parents felt about love, partnerships, and what defines "a good marriage" I guess I started my search for a life partner with a clean slate-- I use that term quite liberally, as I am sure NIH would have a field day testing me to see how I survived all these years. Anyway, my point is that I am keenly aware of certain genetic pre-dispositions that I have had to learn to control or rein in when it comes to falling in love. For those that want to maximize their chances of finding a love that lasts, I encourage them to dig deep and figure out what traits they tend to gravitate towards and ask relatives to share their love stories. Find what moves you, and look for patterns to determine your areas of weakness. This way, you may be able to better guard against certain relationship pitfalls-- it is like using your DNA to innoculate yourself from repeated heartache.
1) there are those with a savior complex, who want to rescue the one in need;
2) there are friends, who are equals and eventually develop a romantic spark;
3) there are those who just fall in love at first sight; and
4) there are those who believe in the traditional marriage roles, and appreciate the other for his/her ability to dutifully complete the tasks associated with those roles.
Research shows that the fourth model is dying out, and meanwhile there has been a dramatic increase in friends meeting in school or at work and then developing a romantic relationship, especially as women have consistently been gaining ground over the last 40 years in graduate school and the work force. Both of these models seem primarily driven by learned social behavior- but what about the other two? For those that seek the thrill of playing a savior role or love at first sight, contrary to every cautionary tale out there, could it be that there is a genetic component to what makes us fall in love?
Some of us are simply wired to want to fix things, help others and make the world as perfect as possible. The "savior complex" my brother sees in me serves me well at work, but I have learned that it is a disaster to try to play this role with your partner. You wind up taking on the role of a parent/care-taker,and they start to see you as a nag. Eventually, you both become exhausted and frustrated with the vicious cycle and the romance completely fizzles.
Love at first sight-- it may surprise many of you to hear that I have definitely been a victim of this, more than just once. I remember when I first met my high school sweetheart and had this "wow" moment, which is very difficult to explain, but it feels like you have butterflies in your stomach, and you get all tongue tied. Same thing when I first met my ex-husband back in 1993. Post-divorce, I am happy to say that even after suffering some broken heart moments, the fireworks are still possible in your 30's and 40's (and from what I've heard even in your 50's and 60's).
Having never witnessed a couple's intimate interactions growing up, and not ever being privy to how my parents felt about love, partnerships, and what defines "a good marriage" I guess I started my search for a life partner with a clean slate-- I use that term quite liberally, as I am sure NIH would have a field day testing me to see how I survived all these years. Anyway, my point is that I am keenly aware of certain genetic pre-dispositions that I have had to learn to control or rein in when it comes to falling in love. For those that want to maximize their chances of finding a love that lasts, I encourage them to dig deep and figure out what traits they tend to gravitate towards and ask relatives to share their love stories. Find what moves you, and look for patterns to determine your areas of weakness. This way, you may be able to better guard against certain relationship pitfalls-- it is like using your DNA to innoculate yourself from repeated heartache.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Revisiting the American Dream
There has been a lot of debates lately about whether the American dream is still alive and whether corporations, focused on the bottom line and shareholder profits, are killing the American dream. While I do believe that there is a major problem created by the lack of social conscienceness in most private-sector companies, I think the real issue each individual needs to address for him/herself is what defines the American dream?
I grew up with the understanding that the American dream meant anyone, from anywhere who wanted to work hard could get a good job, get married, buy a house, drive a decent car and live happily ever after. Even though I was born to an unwed immigrant that lacked a college degree, and my grandmother, who helped to raise me never finished middle school or learned any English, I believed in that dream.
English is not my first language, and I did not come from a wealthy background, but by studying hard, at age 14 I won a scholarship to attend boarding school in New England. The gift of an amazing education, together with incredible internships and study-abroad experiences that were provided by my alma maters changed my life. By age 31, I was married and living the "American dream" with a solid law firm job, a nice house, a cool Mercedes, and a beautiful son. But there was this huge void in my life, and ultimately I forfeited most of the material things, and went in search of true happiness.
It has been quite a journey these past few years learning not to care so much about what others might think or expect of me, and instead finding what truly matters to me most. Letting go of certain attachments was not easy, and I realized that a large part of that problem was that the way we measure success as a society is so often tied to material things or our status at work. Yet all those things can so easily be lost, and will not matter at all once we are gone. My education, experiences and close personal relationships are the three things that can never be taken away, regardless of how the economy is doing, and thankfully what I have discovered is that these are the things that I have come to value most.
Ironcially, if my own marriage had not fallen apart, I suppose I could have become the poster-child for the American dream. Instead, I gave up the stupid rat-race and went in search of answers. Having lacked a solid supportive family structure my whole life, I realized this is what I craved most, and it is truly nothing short of a miracle that the strangers I reached out to just a few months ago have welcomed this long lost family member with open arms. Finding unconditional love, acceptance and understanding within my own biological family has re-defined the American dream for me-- I truly believe it is what you make of it. Don't allow others to define it for you, each individual has to define it and pursue it for him/herself.
I grew up with the understanding that the American dream meant anyone, from anywhere who wanted to work hard could get a good job, get married, buy a house, drive a decent car and live happily ever after. Even though I was born to an unwed immigrant that lacked a college degree, and my grandmother, who helped to raise me never finished middle school or learned any English, I believed in that dream.
English is not my first language, and I did not come from a wealthy background, but by studying hard, at age 14 I won a scholarship to attend boarding school in New England. The gift of an amazing education, together with incredible internships and study-abroad experiences that were provided by my alma maters changed my life. By age 31, I was married and living the "American dream" with a solid law firm job, a nice house, a cool Mercedes, and a beautiful son. But there was this huge void in my life, and ultimately I forfeited most of the material things, and went in search of true happiness.
It has been quite a journey these past few years learning not to care so much about what others might think or expect of me, and instead finding what truly matters to me most. Letting go of certain attachments was not easy, and I realized that a large part of that problem was that the way we measure success as a society is so often tied to material things or our status at work. Yet all those things can so easily be lost, and will not matter at all once we are gone. My education, experiences and close personal relationships are the three things that can never be taken away, regardless of how the economy is doing, and thankfully what I have discovered is that these are the things that I have come to value most.
Ironcially, if my own marriage had not fallen apart, I suppose I could have become the poster-child for the American dream. Instead, I gave up the stupid rat-race and went in search of answers. Having lacked a solid supportive family structure my whole life, I realized this is what I craved most, and it is truly nothing short of a miracle that the strangers I reached out to just a few months ago have welcomed this long lost family member with open arms. Finding unconditional love, acceptance and understanding within my own biological family has re-defined the American dream for me-- I truly believe it is what you make of it. Don't allow others to define it for you, each individual has to define it and pursue it for him/herself.
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