We have all heard the phrase that "opposites attract, but they don't last," and maybe that is true-- but it doesn't have to be. If we could accept each other's differences and appreciate our varying strengths, I think couples that can compensate for one another's deficits may be the strongest pairs ever. In many of the healthy relationships that I have observed over time the women tend to be the ones that dominate at home-- making sure the kids' needs are met, that all social plans are confirmed, that the family sticks to a schedule, and that there is some order to family's overall life. Meanwhile, their partners are much more laid back-- having sometimes no sense of time, no preference as to having a plan or just staying home, and no apparent care as to whether the laundry is properly folded or not. It seems crazy, but maybe that is what provides balance to the overall family life?
Those of us with control tendencies may try to go too far if left unchecked-- so maybe what actually makes the most sense is to fall for the easy-going, carefree types (obviously without going to an extreme). My son, my brother, and my father are all carefree spirits that can just roll with whatever happens-- 3 generations of men with the same character, which is completely contrary to mine. You would think they drive me crazy, and yet they have actually taught me to calm down and laugh at myself. I realize I cannot change them, just as they probably are not going to change me much, so we accept each other as we are, enjoy our time together as much as possible, and permit one another space as needed.
The trick to peacefully cohabitating with your opposite is being able to communicate effectively in order to understand one another and resolve conflict. Dominant personalities that explode are never going to achieve the result they want with their opposites-- the passive types will simply shutdown and avoid confrontation. This creates a vicious cycle that cannot last forever-- eventually one will tire of this and take actions to make a change. To salvage a relationship at this point, the best option is to get professional help from a couple's counselor before it is too late.
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Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Estate Planning, for the Sake of Your Loved Ones
Death is not something that most people want to think about, and yet we all know it is inevitable. Unfortunately, nothing seems to tear families apart more than battles over money. Having a simple will and/or setting up a trust does not have to be a very involved process for most people and can be done rather inexpensively these days. The main things to cover with an attorney are as follows:
1) Who will be your personal representative or executor of the will?
2) Who will be the trustee that manages the assets in a trust?
3) Who will be the back-up executor and/or trustee?
4) What specific bequests (gifts) would you like to make to certain individuals?
4) What happens to your entire estate after all debts are paid?
5) Are there any charities you wish to remember in your will?
Many of my clients cannot focus on estate planning issues while dealing with the divorce, but I definitely encourage them to do this as soon as possible, especially if they have minor children, who will need to have assets managed by a trusted individual. When people re-marry, it is important that they realize that a prenuptial agreement does not act as a substitute for a will, and they should get legal advice as to how local state laws probate an estate absent a will. Furthermore, as blended-family situations continue to increase in our society, it is critical that parents take appropriate measures to protect their children's interests and well-being. Without a will in place, a step-parent may be able to assert control over a substantial amount of the assets and the step-child may be left in a very precarious financial situation.
Relationships will continue to evolve over our lifetime, however, we should not use this as an excuse to postpone estate planning, rather we should view estate planning as something that needs to be revisited periodically. Ultimately, our heirs are the legacies we leave behind after we leave this Earth, and providing them with peace of mind that they are not inheriting a financial and/or legal nightmare should be our parting gift to those we love.
1) Who will be your personal representative or executor of the will?
2) Who will be the trustee that manages the assets in a trust?
3) Who will be the back-up executor and/or trustee?
4) What specific bequests (gifts) would you like to make to certain individuals?
4) What happens to your entire estate after all debts are paid?
5) Are there any charities you wish to remember in your will?
Many of my clients cannot focus on estate planning issues while dealing with the divorce, but I definitely encourage them to do this as soon as possible, especially if they have minor children, who will need to have assets managed by a trusted individual. When people re-marry, it is important that they realize that a prenuptial agreement does not act as a substitute for a will, and they should get legal advice as to how local state laws probate an estate absent a will. Furthermore, as blended-family situations continue to increase in our society, it is critical that parents take appropriate measures to protect their children's interests and well-being. Without a will in place, a step-parent may be able to assert control over a substantial amount of the assets and the step-child may be left in a very precarious financial situation.
Relationships will continue to evolve over our lifetime, however, we should not use this as an excuse to postpone estate planning, rather we should view estate planning as something that needs to be revisited periodically. Ultimately, our heirs are the legacies we leave behind after we leave this Earth, and providing them with peace of mind that they are not inheriting a financial and/or legal nightmare should be our parting gift to those we love.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Deep-Seeded Issues
We all have our issues, maybe some more than others, but not everyone has self-awareness. Sometimes, unfortunately, it takes a catastrophic event to trigger a journey inward, such as a divorce or death in the family. Even then, not everyone will want to do the hard work to delve into the past and figure out their feelings. Most people in fact are wired to avoid conflict, and they would prefer to forget the past, just enjoy the present and try to not stress about the future. Then there are those of us who are just gluttons for punishment...
Over the past few months, I have immensely enjoyed finding my family after all these years-- especially my baby brother, who I was never sure I would find. Yet, the journey to find him was filled with peril-- the risk of being rejected, or accepted at first only to be later abandoned, the possibility that no one in the family would understand me or love me, or that perhaps in some way I have disappointed them all by not meeting their expectations. These are all normal fears-- perhaps completely not rational, but emotionally quite real. Thankfully, I understand where these fears stem from and know how to cope with them, and so it is that now more than ever I believe that if something does not kill you, it truly only makes you stronger.
Hopefully after a divorce, most people will find a second chance at love. Before diving head-first into a significant new relationship, however, I urge people to find the courage and time to delve a bit into their pasts. Until they can understand the past and come to peace with the loss suffered, they will not be in the best position to open themselves up to another person. With any new relationship, sooner or later our issues of trust, attachment and abandonment will rise to the surface, and we need to be aware of our issues and how they may impact others if we want to form healthy loving relationships based on honesty and mutual respect.
Over the past few months, I have immensely enjoyed finding my family after all these years-- especially my baby brother, who I was never sure I would find. Yet, the journey to find him was filled with peril-- the risk of being rejected, or accepted at first only to be later abandoned, the possibility that no one in the family would understand me or love me, or that perhaps in some way I have disappointed them all by not meeting their expectations. These are all normal fears-- perhaps completely not rational, but emotionally quite real. Thankfully, I understand where these fears stem from and know how to cope with them, and so it is that now more than ever I believe that if something does not kill you, it truly only makes you stronger.
Hopefully after a divorce, most people will find a second chance at love. Before diving head-first into a significant new relationship, however, I urge people to find the courage and time to delve a bit into their pasts. Until they can understand the past and come to peace with the loss suffered, they will not be in the best position to open themselves up to another person. With any new relationship, sooner or later our issues of trust, attachment and abandonment will rise to the surface, and we need to be aware of our issues and how they may impact others if we want to form healthy loving relationships based on honesty and mutual respect.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Making Memories
In this economy, we all have to focus on the basics, but with children it is also important to make sure we allow for some special moments at amusement parks, beaches, spending time at the pool, going to sporting events, zoos, museums, and shows because those are the memories that kids (and their parents) will cherish forever.
Each year of my son's life, I have made him an album capturing some of our favorite moments. This year's album, however, is extra special for it is filled with faces of loved ones I had always longed for and wondered about, yet for over three decades I lived with only one photo of my father, and none of my extended family.
This past week, I took my son to visit our newly discovered relatives. Watching my son bond with everyone brought me more joy than I ever could have imagined, and finally having some one-on-one time with my long lost cousins is something I will always cherish, although the thought of all the years we lost does pain me.
I realize I will not always be here to remind my son about the entire story that has unfolded over the last seven months, but hopefully enough will be preserved of this beautiful home-coming story that all those involved can carry some piece of it to last a lifetime, and all those that watched it unfold will be inspired in their own lives to think about opening their hearts and minds with their own families.
Each year of my son's life, I have made him an album capturing some of our favorite moments. This year's album, however, is extra special for it is filled with faces of loved ones I had always longed for and wondered about, yet for over three decades I lived with only one photo of my father, and none of my extended family.
This past week, I took my son to visit our newly discovered relatives. Watching my son bond with everyone brought me more joy than I ever could have imagined, and finally having some one-on-one time with my long lost cousins is something I will always cherish, although the thought of all the years we lost does pain me.
I realize I will not always be here to remind my son about the entire story that has unfolded over the last seven months, but hopefully enough will be preserved of this beautiful home-coming story that all those involved can carry some piece of it to last a lifetime, and all those that watched it unfold will be inspired in their own lives to think about opening their hearts and minds with their own families.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Parenting in Stages
Whether parents are living in one household, or two separate households, they need to work together as much as possible to provide their children with consistency and stability, especially during their formative years. Looking at parenting in 3 different stages may make the road ahead less daunting, so I encourage my clients to consider adopting the following attitude:
1) Ages 0-7 will be very tough-- these children are incredibly needy. The rely on their parents for almost everything-- they need help eating, going to the bathroom, bathing, getting dressed, etc. It takes twice as long to do anything, and the stress can be overwhelming at times, depending on the personalities involved. For those of us that are very schedule-oriented to be paired with a child that has no concept of time, learning patience will be a key survival skill. These years are also very expensvie for a family, as you deal with diapers, formula, baby food and child care expenses. Pre-schools in the DC Area can run $20,000-$30,000 for one child alone.
2) Ages 7-14, often referred to as the "Golden Years" hopefully will offer a lot of parents a much needed reprieve, both financially and in terms of workload. During these years, children are much more self sufficient, but usually not yet questioning authority. Their personalities shine and the conversations become so much more interesting. For those parents that opt for public school, this phase should offer a nice break from expensive preschools and nannies, so hopefully parents can set aside that same amount of money for college.
3) Ages 14-21, probably the most complicated phase in parenting-- children in high school and college are so eager to assert their independance, and yet they are completely economically dependant on their parents. These are incredibly expense years, and can be emotionally tense as well. Peer relations take on a far more important role than ever before, and many will start to experiment with sexual activity, drugs and/or alcohol. Being overly protective will drive kids away, but you also don't want to completely neglect them during this critical phase of their lives. It is not an easy time for parents, but if you can maintain a good bond during this last phase, I believe a parent's a hard work will be rewarded.
It is infinitely easier to get through these stages if you have a partner to tag-team with you along this challenging journey. For single parents, the best advice I can offer is to not try to do it all yourself. I used to pride myself on operating like a self-sufficient island, but as a single mother for over six years I have learned that I cannot do it all myself, and it is okay to be human and ask for help from family and friends. In fact, I actually think it is a great lesson to teach our kids at an early age-- we are not meant to be alone in life, we are social beings after all. We all have different strengths, and working together we can accomplish so much more, and live happier, less stressful lives.
Being a parent is definitely the most challenging job I have ever had, but it also the most rewarding experience. Children can teach us so much about life-- they challenge us to think about what really matters, what lessons we want to impart, which goals are worth pursuing, and which parts our lives we wish to change. In sharing stories of our past, we can learn much about ourselves and decide what we would like to do differently for our own children. In the end, as my favorite saying suggests, "good parents give their children roots and wings: Roots to know where home is, and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught to them."
1) Ages 0-7 will be very tough-- these children are incredibly needy. The rely on their parents for almost everything-- they need help eating, going to the bathroom, bathing, getting dressed, etc. It takes twice as long to do anything, and the stress can be overwhelming at times, depending on the personalities involved. For those of us that are very schedule-oriented to be paired with a child that has no concept of time, learning patience will be a key survival skill. These years are also very expensvie for a family, as you deal with diapers, formula, baby food and child care expenses. Pre-schools in the DC Area can run $20,000-$30,000 for one child alone.
2) Ages 7-14, often referred to as the "Golden Years" hopefully will offer a lot of parents a much needed reprieve, both financially and in terms of workload. During these years, children are much more self sufficient, but usually not yet questioning authority. Their personalities shine and the conversations become so much more interesting. For those parents that opt for public school, this phase should offer a nice break from expensive preschools and nannies, so hopefully parents can set aside that same amount of money for college.
3) Ages 14-21, probably the most complicated phase in parenting-- children in high school and college are so eager to assert their independance, and yet they are completely economically dependant on their parents. These are incredibly expense years, and can be emotionally tense as well. Peer relations take on a far more important role than ever before, and many will start to experiment with sexual activity, drugs and/or alcohol. Being overly protective will drive kids away, but you also don't want to completely neglect them during this critical phase of their lives. It is not an easy time for parents, but if you can maintain a good bond during this last phase, I believe a parent's a hard work will be rewarded.
It is infinitely easier to get through these stages if you have a partner to tag-team with you along this challenging journey. For single parents, the best advice I can offer is to not try to do it all yourself. I used to pride myself on operating like a self-sufficient island, but as a single mother for over six years I have learned that I cannot do it all myself, and it is okay to be human and ask for help from family and friends. In fact, I actually think it is a great lesson to teach our kids at an early age-- we are not meant to be alone in life, we are social beings after all. We all have different strengths, and working together we can accomplish so much more, and live happier, less stressful lives.
Being a parent is definitely the most challenging job I have ever had, but it also the most rewarding experience. Children can teach us so much about life-- they challenge us to think about what really matters, what lessons we want to impart, which goals are worth pursuing, and which parts our lives we wish to change. In sharing stories of our past, we can learn much about ourselves and decide what we would like to do differently for our own children. In the end, as my favorite saying suggests, "good parents give their children roots and wings: Roots to know where home is, and wings to fly off and practice what has been taught to them."
Monday, August 15, 2011
Single Parenting
Being a single parent is not easy at any age, but definitely for people with children under 6, it is incredibly difficult to manage one's life while having to worry about a child's every move when they are with you. Dealing with children who cannot eat, go potty or entertain themselves without you is exhausting, and if you do not have a partner to tag-team with you, these duties can be overwhelming. After a child has gained the ability to be somewhat self-sufficient, life does get somewhat easier, but it makes all the difference in the world if you have understanding co-workers, friends, and family that can sympathize with the challenges of being a single parent.
As I look back at that last six years, I think organization was my salvation. Having plans provided us both with things to look forward to such as sporting events, the theater, museums, trips to the beach, amusement parks, New York City or Disney. The key is not to be too rigid with plans because things always come up with kids, and they actually need some down time. Everything is so new to them, and letting them process is important to avoid overload. It also takes the pressure off as a parent if you can allow yourself some unstructured time. Some of my best talks with my son have taken place at home, when we are not running around all over the place.
It is an intense relationship to be "on" all the time with your child, without anyone to relieve you for just an hour to go to the gym, especially when your child is your opposite. That said, I have learned a lot from being around my son, who often sees things quite differently than me. I have never seen my flaws and strengths as clearly before in my life, and I am grateful for the chance to have this insight with enough time (hopefully) to change the parts to my personality that could use some improvement. Perhaps in an intact household, I would not have been afforded such an opportunity.
For the first time in my life, walking away is not an option when things get rough, and so all those active listening and conflict resolution skills in my professional life have come in quite handy at home. By no means would I promote single-parenting, but my point is that it can be done, and it has been the most rewarding experience of a lifetime.
As I look back at that last six years, I think organization was my salvation. Having plans provided us both with things to look forward to such as sporting events, the theater, museums, trips to the beach, amusement parks, New York City or Disney. The key is not to be too rigid with plans because things always come up with kids, and they actually need some down time. Everything is so new to them, and letting them process is important to avoid overload. It also takes the pressure off as a parent if you can allow yourself some unstructured time. Some of my best talks with my son have taken place at home, when we are not running around all over the place.
It is an intense relationship to be "on" all the time with your child, without anyone to relieve you for just an hour to go to the gym, especially when your child is your opposite. That said, I have learned a lot from being around my son, who often sees things quite differently than me. I have never seen my flaws and strengths as clearly before in my life, and I am grateful for the chance to have this insight with enough time (hopefully) to change the parts to my personality that could use some improvement. Perhaps in an intact household, I would not have been afforded such an opportunity.
For the first time in my life, walking away is not an option when things get rough, and so all those active listening and conflict resolution skills in my professional life have come in quite handy at home. By no means would I promote single-parenting, but my point is that it can be done, and it has been the most rewarding experience of a lifetime.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Blended Family Dynamics
Normally, people have years to develop a rapport with their parents, siblings, and extended family. When couples divorce, however, and then re-marry others with children from previous relationships, they create what we call "blended family" situations. These are not easy, even under the best of circumstances, mainly because the stakes are high to make sure everyone gets along-- we cannot just walk away from these individuals that are now part of our family-- and we are forced to face some of our inner most fears: 1) fear of rejection, 2) fear of being misunderstood or 3) fear of not having our love reciprocated.
It takes time to develop an understanding of one another and find appropriate ways to communicate effectively and express our love for each other. While we process this information, it helps to have some quiet time to ourselves and space to decompress. Unfortunately, in most blended family situations, once the families merge, there may be very little time or space for processing. Especially when young children are involved, I urge people to move slowly and to take time out to help children express and understand their feelings. Normalizing the situation, without passing judgment on whatever they say will go a long way in helping them feel safe.
Dealing with various personalities at once can be overwhelming, even for adults, let alone children. In my particular case, where I have found my family after decades, there is much to rejoice, yet I know I have to proceed cautiously for my son's sake. As excited as we are to have all these wonderful new people in our lives, I have worked hard to pace the reunification process and give him time to take it all in slowly. I try to check in with him so he knows I care about his feelings, and that he is still my favorite little guy. We do not have an established history with the rest of the family, so we all need to work together to figure out our new family dynamics.
Navigating emotions is never easy, but the payoff can be great. Strangers may come and go throughout our lives, but a loving, supportive family is typically the key to raising healthy, well-adjusted children that will continue to come home for the holidays, etc. long after they have formed their own separate lives. Blended families are challenging, but also immensely rewarding-- not just for the children, but their parents, who no longer have to feel like they are shouldering the weight of the world all alone.
Blended families offer us all a second chance at finding true happiness through unconditional acceptance, understanding and love. Ties with anyone else can always be severed quite easily, but not family connections. The bonds that will last are the ones that are worth our time and attention, and true friends will understand this simple fact. These days, I am particularly grateful to my core group that has patiently allowed me to focus on that which matters to me most, and those that don't get it are simply a lost cause as far as I am concerned.
It takes time to develop an understanding of one another and find appropriate ways to communicate effectively and express our love for each other. While we process this information, it helps to have some quiet time to ourselves and space to decompress. Unfortunately, in most blended family situations, once the families merge, there may be very little time or space for processing. Especially when young children are involved, I urge people to move slowly and to take time out to help children express and understand their feelings. Normalizing the situation, without passing judgment on whatever they say will go a long way in helping them feel safe.
Dealing with various personalities at once can be overwhelming, even for adults, let alone children. In my particular case, where I have found my family after decades, there is much to rejoice, yet I know I have to proceed cautiously for my son's sake. As excited as we are to have all these wonderful new people in our lives, I have worked hard to pace the reunification process and give him time to take it all in slowly. I try to check in with him so he knows I care about his feelings, and that he is still my favorite little guy. We do not have an established history with the rest of the family, so we all need to work together to figure out our new family dynamics.
Navigating emotions is never easy, but the payoff can be great. Strangers may come and go throughout our lives, but a loving, supportive family is typically the key to raising healthy, well-adjusted children that will continue to come home for the holidays, etc. long after they have formed their own separate lives. Blended families are challenging, but also immensely rewarding-- not just for the children, but their parents, who no longer have to feel like they are shouldering the weight of the world all alone.
Blended families offer us all a second chance at finding true happiness through unconditional acceptance, understanding and love. Ties with anyone else can always be severed quite easily, but not family connections. The bonds that will last are the ones that are worth our time and attention, and true friends will understand this simple fact. These days, I am particularly grateful to my core group that has patiently allowed me to focus on that which matters to me most, and those that don't get it are simply a lost cause as far as I am concerned.
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