When we are flooded with emotions, and dealing with various logistical issues all at once, it is important to keep a to-do list to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. While clients that are separating can count on their attorneys to help them with "big-ticket items" like addressing issues of child support, custody, alimony and property division, there are the "little details" that people should keep track of on their own, especially if they want to keep fees down. Here is a list of some things to work on over time when making a transition into 2 homes:
1. Call insurance companies to divide policies, get new rates as an individual;
2. Go to DMV to retitle cars, change your address;
3. Personally make the necessary trips to your banks to close the joint accounts;
4. Make a list of the household furniture, etc. and identify what you want;
5. Update beneficiary forms and wills;
6. Change your emergency contact forms;
7. Notify lenders, the Post Office and all contacts of your new mailing address;
8. Alert the utility companies and mobile phone carriers;
9. Inquire into splitting synagogue and country club memberships;
10. Get quotes from movers, storage places, track down rental options, etc.
Some clients require a lot more hand-holding and want attorneys to follow up with them each step of the way. Others are much more self-sufficient, and they are keenly aware that there is a price to pay for having an attorney involved each step of the way. I like to remind people that it is like being in a taxi cab with an attorney-- the meter starts running the second you call, send an email, or want anything done on your behalf. Often, clients find themselves in sticker shock after they receive the first bill because they fail to realize that each call, email, or letter reviewed was being logged.
We all need help during transitions, but the key is to pick the right assistance for the right task. Calling an attorney just to vent about the other person is not the wisest use of a client's money. It comes down to a simple cost-benefit analysis-- before hitting "send" or forwarding an email to your attorney, you should really ask yourself, is this worth $30 or more? A half hour call to vent to a friend versus calling an attorney could easily save a person $100 or more. Especially in a time of economic crisis, I urge everyone to 1) think twice before involving an attorney over something minor, 2) use lists to prioritize tasks and 3) call on friends for moral support.
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Call Regina at: 240-621-0559
Monday, July 11, 2011
Confessions of An Over-Achiever
Growing up with a bunch of over-achievers starting at age 10 in honors classes until I graduated from a top tier law school in DC at age 25 is not normal, but it did provide me with a high level of tolerance for intense, demanding, perfectionistic brainiacs. In my home life these days, I still dig having brainiacs around, but the other traits I can live without. Luckily, I now have several guys in my life (my dad, uncle, 2 brothers and a son), who are all brilliant, yet low key and laid back, and they have taught me to laugh at the uber-planner Wonder Woman wanta-be me that wants to save the world.
Admittedly, my childhood was not normal at all. I was an over-scheduled, only child who tried to make up for what I was missing at home by signing up for all sorts of activities, including dance, gymnastics, debate team, editor of the school paper or journal, student government, etc. I focused all my energies on outside activities because unlike everyone else, there was not much of a family at home-- no father, uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, etc. Without anyone to really ground me, I soared in the outside world-- great schools, internships, athletic opportunities that included summers at the Olympic Training Center and several stints studying abroad. Fantastic, I became the dream robot-child so many seem focused on creating these days, but here is my biggest confession: no amount of trophies, awards, diplomas, or anything else I have "achieved" could ever replace the longing for a normal family life.
For those of us who are built as over-achievers, it is incredibly humiliating to admit failure, and sadly there is no worse public admission of failure than a divorce. So many of my clients that are Ivy League graduates struggle with this issue, and there is this always this amazed look when I ask them, "is this the first time in your life things really went terribly off-course from your plans?" They nod silently, eyes looking down, and I sit there in one split second fully able to understand their devastating feelings of absolute shame because sadly, I lived through them. There is not much you can really say to comfort someone at this moment except to remind them that this happens in life, and it will all be okay.
As a parent, my advice to fellow parents would be to instill at an early age the notion that we all make mistakes, no one is perfect, and that it is normal to suffer setbacks in life. I would refrain from over-loading kids with activities or adding to the already immense pressures about picking the right careers at an early age. What is the right career anyway? I just want my son to be happy at whatever he does, and let me just come clean and say that most lawyers, doctors and bankers that I have met are desperately lacking in true satisfaction from their careers.
Being able to appreciate some down time is a great life skill-- a skill that I am still struggling to possess. I am relieved that my own son has no interest in following in my footsteps. Trying to please others and meet their expectations has rarely allowed me to figure out what I personally want out of life. It is utterly refreshing to see that my child is his own independant little man, who will not fit into someone's cookie-cutter mold. I hope that others will foster this free spirit in their own children and other loved ones, because being an over-achiever is truly over-rated.
Admittedly, my childhood was not normal at all. I was an over-scheduled, only child who tried to make up for what I was missing at home by signing up for all sorts of activities, including dance, gymnastics, debate team, editor of the school paper or journal, student government, etc. I focused all my energies on outside activities because unlike everyone else, there was not much of a family at home-- no father, uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, etc. Without anyone to really ground me, I soared in the outside world-- great schools, internships, athletic opportunities that included summers at the Olympic Training Center and several stints studying abroad. Fantastic, I became the dream robot-child so many seem focused on creating these days, but here is my biggest confession: no amount of trophies, awards, diplomas, or anything else I have "achieved" could ever replace the longing for a normal family life.
For those of us who are built as over-achievers, it is incredibly humiliating to admit failure, and sadly there is no worse public admission of failure than a divorce. So many of my clients that are Ivy League graduates struggle with this issue, and there is this always this amazed look when I ask them, "is this the first time in your life things really went terribly off-course from your plans?" They nod silently, eyes looking down, and I sit there in one split second fully able to understand their devastating feelings of absolute shame because sadly, I lived through them. There is not much you can really say to comfort someone at this moment except to remind them that this happens in life, and it will all be okay.
As a parent, my advice to fellow parents would be to instill at an early age the notion that we all make mistakes, no one is perfect, and that it is normal to suffer setbacks in life. I would refrain from over-loading kids with activities or adding to the already immense pressures about picking the right careers at an early age. What is the right career anyway? I just want my son to be happy at whatever he does, and let me just come clean and say that most lawyers, doctors and bankers that I have met are desperately lacking in true satisfaction from their careers.
Being able to appreciate some down time is a great life skill-- a skill that I am still struggling to possess. I am relieved that my own son has no interest in following in my footsteps. Trying to please others and meet their expectations has rarely allowed me to figure out what I personally want out of life. It is utterly refreshing to see that my child is his own independant little man, who will not fit into someone's cookie-cutter mold. I hope that others will foster this free spirit in their own children and other loved ones, because being an over-achiever is truly over-rated.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Understanding the Family Fabric
For over a decade, I have seen some of the most brilliant professionals in the DC Area make some of the worst mistakes in their personal lives. I have learned to appreciate that a mathematical genius may have the emotional IQ of a pea-- because love is NOT logical. My brother teases me that lately it seems I am trying to "tick off the right boxes" when I meet someone, but what I have tried to explain to him and others is that when I got married, I completely went with my feelings and did not analyze the situation at all from a clinical perspective. I married my best friend, who was smart, cute and kind-- but he was Ferris Bueller. The things that made me laugh initially, eventually ceased to be funny as we got older, and often he would tell me in the end that I had lost my sense of humor. I lost far more than that in the end, but together we had a child, and so for the rest of our lives, we will be tied together, so that although we no longer live under one roof, we are still a family.
My experience with shared custody over the past 6 years helps me with my clients because I understand intimately what their challenges are trying to co-parent with a former spouse, who may not see the world the same way. The best analogy someone shared with me recently is that a child is like a new house you are building, and each parent is building one half of that house. For that house to be solid, it needs to be able to appreciate and love both its designers. I can tell you first hand what happens when one of the architects/builders goes missing-- it creates a hole in the child's heart.
These past six months, that hole in my heart is finally being filled with love by a family I have always longed for, and for the first time in my life I do not feel like I have to tackle life's challenges all by myself. Through my brothers, father, step-mother, aunt, uncle, and cousins who have all entered my world this first half of the year, I am finally learning to appreciate something most people have taken for granted their whole lives-- that the family fabric we create is there to act as a beautiful emotional safety net. Every child should be able to experience this and grow up with this feeling-- regardless of whether the parents stay in an intact household or not.
We all have choices to make in life, and sometimes we are defined by the choices we make. Severing all ties with a family member should only be done in extreme circumstances. Absent an extreme situation, I encourage everyone to appreciate the importance of family ties, and to work together to make the best family connections possible, not just for the sake of our children, but for everyone's happiness and well-being.
My experience with shared custody over the past 6 years helps me with my clients because I understand intimately what their challenges are trying to co-parent with a former spouse, who may not see the world the same way. The best analogy someone shared with me recently is that a child is like a new house you are building, and each parent is building one half of that house. For that house to be solid, it needs to be able to appreciate and love both its designers. I can tell you first hand what happens when one of the architects/builders goes missing-- it creates a hole in the child's heart.
These past six months, that hole in my heart is finally being filled with love by a family I have always longed for, and for the first time in my life I do not feel like I have to tackle life's challenges all by myself. Through my brothers, father, step-mother, aunt, uncle, and cousins who have all entered my world this first half of the year, I am finally learning to appreciate something most people have taken for granted their whole lives-- that the family fabric we create is there to act as a beautiful emotional safety net. Every child should be able to experience this and grow up with this feeling-- regardless of whether the parents stay in an intact household or not.
We all have choices to make in life, and sometimes we are defined by the choices we make. Severing all ties with a family member should only be done in extreme circumstances. Absent an extreme situation, I encourage everyone to appreciate the importance of family ties, and to work together to make the best family connections possible, not just for the sake of our children, but for everyone's happiness and well-being.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Setting Expectations and Boundaries
In any new relationship, one of the first critcial things to work out is setting appropriate expectations on frequency of contact, appropriate forms of communication and establishing our individual boundaries. This should happen rather smoothly and progress quite normally in a healthy relationship. The trickier task is re-establishing boundaries when a relationship is being re-configured, such as when a marriage is dissolving.
It is very hard for people to re-set their patterns of communication, but when they are no longer living in one house, it simply is not necessary or even healthy to maintain daily contact with an ex. Learning to disengage is difficult, and some people unwittingly seem to pick fights in order to stay connected, which of course only further alienates the other person. I cannot tell you how many times people complain to me about the frequency or hostility in the communications they receive from their soon to be exs. My first suggestion is to have the client try and deal with this alone, without the involvement of the attorneys or the authorities.
We should all try to be polite, yet firm in setting our boundaries, keeping in mind that boundaries are meant to protect you, not punish the other. Just because we have instant communication available to us, does not mean we have to respond instantly. If something truly is upsetting you, responding in the heat of the moment is probably not the best thing to do. I have often re-written client's emails for them, toned them down, and taken out inflammatory or excessive information. I try to stick to the KISS motto-- keep it simple stupid.
It is very sad when clients cannot learn to moderate their own communications and need the attorneys to step in on every day matters. People with children need to learn new effective ways to communicate as quickly as possible, and this to me is the beauty of divorce coaches, who are frequently used in Collaborative Divorces. In high conflict cases, we try to rely on Parent Coordinators to help the parents co-parent.
The absolute worst situation to be involved in is with high conflict people. These tend to have major issues respecting other people's boundaries. They will push limits, and sadly in the end the authorities and legal system have to be involved, often resulting in supervised visits (if children are involved) or a complete break in all communication through Protective Orders. For those in this situation, I want to emphasize the need to keep all documentation, talk to a mental health professional and be prepared to act swiftly with the authorities and an attorney experienced in these situations.
It is very hard for people to re-set their patterns of communication, but when they are no longer living in one house, it simply is not necessary or even healthy to maintain daily contact with an ex. Learning to disengage is difficult, and some people unwittingly seem to pick fights in order to stay connected, which of course only further alienates the other person. I cannot tell you how many times people complain to me about the frequency or hostility in the communications they receive from their soon to be exs. My first suggestion is to have the client try and deal with this alone, without the involvement of the attorneys or the authorities.
We should all try to be polite, yet firm in setting our boundaries, keeping in mind that boundaries are meant to protect you, not punish the other. Just because we have instant communication available to us, does not mean we have to respond instantly. If something truly is upsetting you, responding in the heat of the moment is probably not the best thing to do. I have often re-written client's emails for them, toned them down, and taken out inflammatory or excessive information. I try to stick to the KISS motto-- keep it simple stupid.
It is very sad when clients cannot learn to moderate their own communications and need the attorneys to step in on every day matters. People with children need to learn new effective ways to communicate as quickly as possible, and this to me is the beauty of divorce coaches, who are frequently used in Collaborative Divorces. In high conflict cases, we try to rely on Parent Coordinators to help the parents co-parent.
The absolute worst situation to be involved in is with high conflict people. These tend to have major issues respecting other people's boundaries. They will push limits, and sadly in the end the authorities and legal system have to be involved, often resulting in supervised visits (if children are involved) or a complete break in all communication through Protective Orders. For those in this situation, I want to emphasize the need to keep all documentation, talk to a mental health professional and be prepared to act swiftly with the authorities and an attorney experienced in these situations.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Ending Long Term Marriages
Today, I went to court to finalize a divorce for my client, who had been married 35 years. I have had a series of these lately-- 6 of my settlements in the last six months have involved marriages over 20 years. One of my clients actually told me that she would understand the decision more if there was someone else in the picture. I respectfully had to disagree, because my experience is that the sense of betrayal then tends to cloud the entire process.
Divorcing later in life usually eliminates the issues of custody and child support, and generally there tend to me more assets to act as a cushion as the parties divide into two households, but regardless of the total value of assets being divided, financial security never seems to alleviate all the pain, which stems from the feelings of having failed at something so important. It is normal to feel a tremendous amount of loss and dissapointment or anger. Most of all though, what I see when these long-term marriages end is clients who now have to face the fear of being alone. After decades of being part of a team, these people are now parting ways and starting over a single life in their 50's or older. It is truly one of the hardest things to observe, and sadly looking at me will not provide them with much of a consulation, for my track record over the last six years just proves that it is really hard to find the right life partner.
So many people have asked me if I still believe in marriages that can last forever, and I have never waivered in my response that I do still believe in those sacred vows, but I also understand that people grow apart, they change, they take one another for granted, they fail to communicate and resolve conflict in healthy ways. These things can all take their toll, even in the best of marriages. Rarely is it just one person's fault, and just because the partnership is dissolving does not mean it has to be ugly or nasty.
Helping people resolve their differences respectfully should be every divorce lawyer's goal. Those of us committed to mediation and Collaborative Divorce aim to do just that-- because that is what it best for families, who will remain connected even if no longer under one roof. Every lawyer may not be able to see that, but certainly every client has a choice as to the attorney s/he wants to retain, and everyone should realize that this choice can completely define the future of a family for generations.
Divorcing later in life usually eliminates the issues of custody and child support, and generally there tend to me more assets to act as a cushion as the parties divide into two households, but regardless of the total value of assets being divided, financial security never seems to alleviate all the pain, which stems from the feelings of having failed at something so important. It is normal to feel a tremendous amount of loss and dissapointment or anger. Most of all though, what I see when these long-term marriages end is clients who now have to face the fear of being alone. After decades of being part of a team, these people are now parting ways and starting over a single life in their 50's or older. It is truly one of the hardest things to observe, and sadly looking at me will not provide them with much of a consulation, for my track record over the last six years just proves that it is really hard to find the right life partner.
So many people have asked me if I still believe in marriages that can last forever, and I have never waivered in my response that I do still believe in those sacred vows, but I also understand that people grow apart, they change, they take one another for granted, they fail to communicate and resolve conflict in healthy ways. These things can all take their toll, even in the best of marriages. Rarely is it just one person's fault, and just because the partnership is dissolving does not mean it has to be ugly or nasty.
Helping people resolve their differences respectfully should be every divorce lawyer's goal. Those of us committed to mediation and Collaborative Divorce aim to do just that-- because that is what it best for families, who will remain connected even if no longer under one roof. Every lawyer may not be able to see that, but certainly every client has a choice as to the attorney s/he wants to retain, and everyone should realize that this choice can completely define the future of a family for generations.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Learning to Collaborate
After law school, I spent my first six years as an attorney in Washington, DC focusing on family law litigation. I was taught to listen to my client’s story, then advocate his/her position as zealously as possible. While my clients were always happy with their "wins" there were often times were I was left wondering whether in fact the court had made the best decision for the family as a whole.
In 2005, after my own marriage ended in divorce, I decided to pursue a complete transformation in my legal training. I became trained in mediation and Collaborative Law. I read various books and attended numerous trainings on psychology. Learning how depression and other mental health issues can impact clients going through a traumatic experience like divorce helped me understand that my role needed to be more of a counselor, not just an advocate. Most importantly, it became clear to me that to truly help people resolve their differences, I needed to hear both parties version of events, as well as their goals and concerns. True understanding can only happen when we listen to each person’s story, and a successful resolution is when we select the best option for the family as a whole, not just one individual.
In the last 5 years, applying the Collaborative approach not just in my professional life, but also in my personal life, I learned to methodically think about goals and interest; then identify the issues to be addressed; gather all the relevant information necessary; generate options for a solution to each issue; then pick the one most favorable to everyone involved. Eventually, using this technique, I found the courage to deal with something I had kept secret for most of my life: the desire to find my father, and through him, my half brother.
Meeting my father after all these years without any contact was a bit daunting, but I knew I had to face this part of my past if I was ever going to move forward with my own life. I had to find it in my heart to forgive him, and in order to do that, I needed to hear his side of the story and try to understand him, without passing any judgments.
When I first laid eyes on him in February 2011, it was surreal-- it was like looking in a mirror, at a much older and much more masculine version of me. He immediately recognized me and greeted me with a hug and kiss. We ordered some food and drinks at The Source, and then the first thing he did was start my apologizing for what happened 20 years ago. Apologies are so rare these days, but I often tll my clients it can go a long way in the healing process, and now I got to experience it first-hand.
My whole life, I wanted to understand what happened between my parents. Finally, by using the Collaborative approach, I not only have answers to so many questions, but I have found the opportunity to provide my son with a complete family, something I never had and always longed for in my own life. Of course there is tremendous sadness in the years lost, and the fact that we are all spread across two continents, but as I often tell my clients, we need to focus on the bright possibilities ahead and let go of the disappointment from our past losses.
There is a tremendous amount of irony in my life, but the most painful realization is the fact that if I had not gotten divorced, I may never have changed my approach with my clients in my professional life. Without having personally suffered the emotional loss of a family as a result of my own divorce, I might never have truly grasped the internal struggle my clients are experiencing while desperately try to cope with their grief as they make major life decisions. Experiencing this first hand is what led me to study alternatives to litigation, and then I began to apply the techniques I learned in my personal life. Without these skills, I might never have found my true family and a tremendous sense of inner peace that I have craved my entire life.
The journey to find my family was not easy, but maybe it was necessary to prove my point that families are generally far better off trying to resolve their differences outside of court. I am living proof that the courts make mistakes, and as a result of some rather harsh, egregious court decisions, my brother and I both lived for years without a father. Now, as I try my best to piece back together a family torn apart for years by the very judicial system I was taught to serve, I am glad I can offer others an alternative-- the Collaborative approach. A dignified, respectful and completely private way to address family issues outside of any court, thereby maximizing the chances for everyone to find love, happiness and peace.
In 2005, after my own marriage ended in divorce, I decided to pursue a complete transformation in my legal training. I became trained in mediation and Collaborative Law. I read various books and attended numerous trainings on psychology. Learning how depression and other mental health issues can impact clients going through a traumatic experience like divorce helped me understand that my role needed to be more of a counselor, not just an advocate. Most importantly, it became clear to me that to truly help people resolve their differences, I needed to hear both parties version of events, as well as their goals and concerns. True understanding can only happen when we listen to each person’s story, and a successful resolution is when we select the best option for the family as a whole, not just one individual.
In the last 5 years, applying the Collaborative approach not just in my professional life, but also in my personal life, I learned to methodically think about goals and interest; then identify the issues to be addressed; gather all the relevant information necessary; generate options for a solution to each issue; then pick the one most favorable to everyone involved. Eventually, using this technique, I found the courage to deal with something I had kept secret for most of my life: the desire to find my father, and through him, my half brother.
Meeting my father after all these years without any contact was a bit daunting, but I knew I had to face this part of my past if I was ever going to move forward with my own life. I had to find it in my heart to forgive him, and in order to do that, I needed to hear his side of the story and try to understand him, without passing any judgments.
When I first laid eyes on him in February 2011, it was surreal-- it was like looking in a mirror, at a much older and much more masculine version of me. He immediately recognized me and greeted me with a hug and kiss. We ordered some food and drinks at The Source, and then the first thing he did was start my apologizing for what happened 20 years ago. Apologies are so rare these days, but I often tll my clients it can go a long way in the healing process, and now I got to experience it first-hand.
My whole life, I wanted to understand what happened between my parents. Finally, by using the Collaborative approach, I not only have answers to so many questions, but I have found the opportunity to provide my son with a complete family, something I never had and always longed for in my own life. Of course there is tremendous sadness in the years lost, and the fact that we are all spread across two continents, but as I often tell my clients, we need to focus on the bright possibilities ahead and let go of the disappointment from our past losses.
There is a tremendous amount of irony in my life, but the most painful realization is the fact that if I had not gotten divorced, I may never have changed my approach with my clients in my professional life. Without having personally suffered the emotional loss of a family as a result of my own divorce, I might never have truly grasped the internal struggle my clients are experiencing while desperately try to cope with their grief as they make major life decisions. Experiencing this first hand is what led me to study alternatives to litigation, and then I began to apply the techniques I learned in my personal life. Without these skills, I might never have found my true family and a tremendous sense of inner peace that I have craved my entire life.
The journey to find my family was not easy, but maybe it was necessary to prove my point that families are generally far better off trying to resolve their differences outside of court. I am living proof that the courts make mistakes, and as a result of some rather harsh, egregious court decisions, my brother and I both lived for years without a father. Now, as I try my best to piece back together a family torn apart for years by the very judicial system I was taught to serve, I am glad I can offer others an alternative-- the Collaborative approach. A dignified, respectful and completely private way to address family issues outside of any court, thereby maximizing the chances for everyone to find love, happiness and peace.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Finding the Right Attorney
When you are facing a legal challenge, you need to find the right ally to help you navigate the legal system. This is a very personal choice, and you should take your time researching the person's background and reputation. Some are known for being incredibly aggressive litigators, others have more of a collaborative approach that focuses on creative resolutions outside of court. The client has to be able to determine what style s/he wants first, then the selection of an attorney that will meet that need can occur much more efficiently.
Litigation in my family tore us apart for years, and I made a personal choice six years ago not to litigate my own divorce for my son's sake. I wanted my son to have his father in his life as much as possible; I did not want my son to suffer the way I did, and I encourage my clients to get passed their anger as quickly as possible so that we can focus on the best solutions for the family as a whole.
Big firms tend to have litigators, while those who promote mediation or a more collaborative approach focused on settlements outside of court are either solo practitioners or small firms. The bigger the overhead, the bigger the hourly rates will be, and at the big firms, I have seen people spend over six figures for their divorces. I always wonder at the end whether those clients felt it was worth it-- ultimately it depends on the complexity of the issues and what is at stake.
My greatest joy is helping people minimize the losses from a separation/divorce. It is my goal to make the best of a bad situation, to preserve as much goodwill as possible, and spare the costs of unnecessary litigation whenever possible. For those who want an aggressive litigator, I have a short list of colleagues I can recommend, so that I can stay true to myself and the client gets what s/he is seeking during the legal process.
Litigation in my family tore us apart for years, and I made a personal choice six years ago not to litigate my own divorce for my son's sake. I wanted my son to have his father in his life as much as possible; I did not want my son to suffer the way I did, and I encourage my clients to get passed their anger as quickly as possible so that we can focus on the best solutions for the family as a whole.
Big firms tend to have litigators, while those who promote mediation or a more collaborative approach focused on settlements outside of court are either solo practitioners or small firms. The bigger the overhead, the bigger the hourly rates will be, and at the big firms, I have seen people spend over six figures for their divorces. I always wonder at the end whether those clients felt it was worth it-- ultimately it depends on the complexity of the issues and what is at stake.
My greatest joy is helping people minimize the losses from a separation/divorce. It is my goal to make the best of a bad situation, to preserve as much goodwill as possible, and spare the costs of unnecessary litigation whenever possible. For those who want an aggressive litigator, I have a short list of colleagues I can recommend, so that I can stay true to myself and the client gets what s/he is seeking during the legal process.
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