For years I have tried to warn my clients that the courts can make mistakes, and that sometimes those errors can have dire consequences that last for generations. Little did I realize that I would become the best living proof of that statement, until this year. In 1978, a Florida court found insufficient evidence to support a finding of paternity. As a result, I grew up without a father, uncle, cousins or any siblings. My son, who was born decades later, would still have been impacted by this erroneous court order-- except for one thing, I refused to let that happen.
In 2011, using all the mediation and collaborative skills that I have acquired over the last several years, I went in search of some answers. Seeking to simply understand what happened back in 1978, without passing any judgment and having zero expectations of what may transpire, I made contact with my alleged father. We eventually took a DNA test, which confirmed that the court's decision was in fact wrong.
This weekend, Bethesda Magazine released a story "Finding Family," which summarizes my journey over the past year to piece together a family that has been torn apart for decades by nasty litigation. It is not a coincidence that as this story was unfolding I decided to resign from a firm that focused on litigation to instead open my own firm that seeks to promote a kinder, more humane way to renegotiating family ties.
While I enjoy lecturing and writing about Collaborative Divorce, I realize it is not an option that many will use in their own divorces. It takes a very mature couple that values the preservation of goodwill and confidentiality to opt for this process. It is not for couples with major trust issues or high-conflict situations. But plenty of people are opting for Collaborative-style or "cooperative" divorces that seek to keep things civil and outside of our courts, and that is really my hope for most. The courts should only be a couple's last resort, and all you have to do is remember my story to understand why.
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Saturday, October 29, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
When Bad Things Happen to Good People
It would be nice to think that bad things only happen to bad people, but if bad things never happened to good people I suppose most lawyers would be out of a job. Professor Hall wrote a beautiful essay about how the law was created as a safety net to ensure some base level of civility when all other social norms failed. Unfortunately, this purpose in the law has gotten lost with all the games that some people like to play, where the law is actually used as a weapon. To right this wrong, maybe we should start asking lawyers to take a hippocratic oath, like doctors, to do no harm?
Some of us became lawyers because we wanted to help people; others simply wanted the prestige and prospect of a lucrative salary. I suppose no amount of required Continuing Legal Education courses or minimum pro bono hours will ever help the latter type of attorney convert to a kinder, gentler soul. Thankfully, the true power lies with the clients, who can choose to seek out those attorneys with a proven track record-- those dedicated to taking on-going trainings and giving back to their communities.
We may not always see immediate rewards for our good work in life, but I am a firm believer that you reap what you sow. We will all have our share of heartbreak, disappointments and setbacks, but it is how we choose to handle these situations that defines our character and makes us who we are as individuals. In relationships, these challenges will create those make-it or break-it moments. For those that stay stuck in anger and want revenge, there are attorneys that will feed off these emotions and go for scorched earth litigation. These types of cases destroy families for generations and give the rest of us divorce lawyers a really bad (undeserved) reputation.
In the end, I realize I cannot stop bad things from happening to good people, and I can only hope to end their pain as quickly and gently as possible. For those that choose to practice a different way, all I can say is that another firm belief I have is that if bad things happen to good people, REALLY REALLY bad things happen to bad people.
Some of us became lawyers because we wanted to help people; others simply wanted the prestige and prospect of a lucrative salary. I suppose no amount of required Continuing Legal Education courses or minimum pro bono hours will ever help the latter type of attorney convert to a kinder, gentler soul. Thankfully, the true power lies with the clients, who can choose to seek out those attorneys with a proven track record-- those dedicated to taking on-going trainings and giving back to their communities.
We may not always see immediate rewards for our good work in life, but I am a firm believer that you reap what you sow. We will all have our share of heartbreak, disappointments and setbacks, but it is how we choose to handle these situations that defines our character and makes us who we are as individuals. In relationships, these challenges will create those make-it or break-it moments. For those that stay stuck in anger and want revenge, there are attorneys that will feed off these emotions and go for scorched earth litigation. These types of cases destroy families for generations and give the rest of us divorce lawyers a really bad (undeserved) reputation.
In the end, I realize I cannot stop bad things from happening to good people, and I can only hope to end their pain as quickly and gently as possible. For those that choose to practice a different way, all I can say is that another firm belief I have is that if bad things happen to good people, REALLY REALLY bad things happen to bad people.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Different Roles Family Lawyers Play
Today, I began my day by lecturing at GW on alternative forms of conflict resolution, and someone asked me whether this is all I do. I laughed as I explained that family law attorneys rarely play just one role in their practice. Here is a quick run down of what a full-service family law attorney can do:
1. Negotiation/Litigation of all aspects in a divorce or custody case;
2. Prenuptial or Separation Agreements;
3. Mediation;
4. Collaborative Divorce; and
5. Child Counsel.
Most of the roles listed above should be self-explanatory, except perhaps for the last one. Sadly, according to various national studies about 20% of the family law cases filed with the courts are considered "high conflict." When parents cannot agree on custody, the courts can order custody evaluations to be done by mental health professionals and/or counsel to represent the children's best interests in the legal proceedings. I just recently completed the requirements so that I can now begin getting appointments as counsel for children in contested divorces.
Until I had all the other trainings in place, I do not think I would have felt competent to take on the role of a child counsel in high conflict cases. I am confident that the skills I have learned in my prior trainings will be very useful in these litigous situations, but what many people do not realize is that in Maryland and DC, attorneys are not currently required to take any further Continuing Legal Education ("CLE") classes after they pass the bar. While most other professionals need to complete a certain number of CLEs in order to maintain their licenses, somehow lawyers in my area do not need to take any further trainings in order to remain a member of the bar in good standing-- amazing.
For those of us who have opted to be court-appointed mediators, however, the MD courts do require a 40-hour training and minimum of 3 years experience. To be a Collaborative Professional, in addition to mediation training, you need to do a 3-day class, and then most practice groups require regular meeting attendance and 1 additional class per year. Furthermore, to be a Child Counsel, there is another 6.5 hour training that Maryland requires in addition to a minimum of 3 years in active family law practice.
Not everyone will want to go through the number of hours I have spent over the last five years to get all these additional trainings, but those of us that do go through these efforts do it because we love what we do-- we love helping families in various capacities. We also tend to enjoy learning; we read psychology books for fun, and we volunteer a tremendous amount of our time to make our communities better.
1. Negotiation/Litigation of all aspects in a divorce or custody case;
2. Prenuptial or Separation Agreements;
3. Mediation;
4. Collaborative Divorce; and
5. Child Counsel.
Most of the roles listed above should be self-explanatory, except perhaps for the last one. Sadly, according to various national studies about 20% of the family law cases filed with the courts are considered "high conflict." When parents cannot agree on custody, the courts can order custody evaluations to be done by mental health professionals and/or counsel to represent the children's best interests in the legal proceedings. I just recently completed the requirements so that I can now begin getting appointments as counsel for children in contested divorces.
Until I had all the other trainings in place, I do not think I would have felt competent to take on the role of a child counsel in high conflict cases. I am confident that the skills I have learned in my prior trainings will be very useful in these litigous situations, but what many people do not realize is that in Maryland and DC, attorneys are not currently required to take any further Continuing Legal Education ("CLE") classes after they pass the bar. While most other professionals need to complete a certain number of CLEs in order to maintain their licenses, somehow lawyers in my area do not need to take any further trainings in order to remain a member of the bar in good standing-- amazing.
For those of us who have opted to be court-appointed mediators, however, the MD courts do require a 40-hour training and minimum of 3 years experience. To be a Collaborative Professional, in addition to mediation training, you need to do a 3-day class, and then most practice groups require regular meeting attendance and 1 additional class per year. Furthermore, to be a Child Counsel, there is another 6.5 hour training that Maryland requires in addition to a minimum of 3 years in active family law practice.
Not everyone will want to go through the number of hours I have spent over the last five years to get all these additional trainings, but those of us that do go through these efforts do it because we love what we do-- we love helping families in various capacities. We also tend to enjoy learning; we read psychology books for fun, and we volunteer a tremendous amount of our time to make our communities better.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Faulty Logic Seems to Run Rampant
Throughout the years, as a divorce attorney in DC I have heard lots of crazy things. Tons of brilliant professionals make poor choices in their personal lives, and I guess part of the problem may be that we place so much emphasis on our work here in the nation's capitol, that when things get difficult at home, many of us just focus on work, where we have a high probability of being rewarded for our efforts. Unfortunately, avoiding problems at home does not make them go away, it just makes them get worse.
Often I have had couples tell me that things were already tense before they ever had children, but they thought starting a family would make them bond. Seriously- how can any rational person think that adding sleepless nights, raging hormones and a million more responsibilities to the mix would make things better? Don't get me wrong, kids are wonderful, but they are hard work, and they usually cause a lot of stress in adult relationships.
In the dating world, I have heard people suggest that marriage might be the solution to stopping all the bickering. Again, how can anyone think that if a couple is incapable of getting along while they are supposed to be on their best behavior that things will improve once they are living together 24/7 without any safe havens they can escape to for a few days to decompress?
Staying in sync with someone beyond the "honeymoon phase" is hard work. It is challenging to give up independance and autonomy in order to be in a relationship, and when things are difficult, it is best not to try and take on more responsibility in other areas, but rather allow yourself the time and space to think through the problem rationally, generate options, and then work on a mutually agreeable solution with your partner. If you are not sure you are seeing things clearly, ask some objective friends that you can count on for great insight. Those of us that are detached from the situation are far more able to see things clearly, and hopefully will point out your faulty logic. No matter what, just know that you are not alone--I am surrounded by it on a daily basis.
Often I have had couples tell me that things were already tense before they ever had children, but they thought starting a family would make them bond. Seriously- how can any rational person think that adding sleepless nights, raging hormones and a million more responsibilities to the mix would make things better? Don't get me wrong, kids are wonderful, but they are hard work, and they usually cause a lot of stress in adult relationships.
In the dating world, I have heard people suggest that marriage might be the solution to stopping all the bickering. Again, how can anyone think that if a couple is incapable of getting along while they are supposed to be on their best behavior that things will improve once they are living together 24/7 without any safe havens they can escape to for a few days to decompress?
Staying in sync with someone beyond the "honeymoon phase" is hard work. It is challenging to give up independance and autonomy in order to be in a relationship, and when things are difficult, it is best not to try and take on more responsibility in other areas, but rather allow yourself the time and space to think through the problem rationally, generate options, and then work on a mutually agreeable solution with your partner. If you are not sure you are seeing things clearly, ask some objective friends that you can count on for great insight. Those of us that are detached from the situation are far more able to see things clearly, and hopefully will point out your faulty logic. No matter what, just know that you are not alone--I am surrounded by it on a daily basis.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Growing Trends Support Adopting a Broader View of Family
This week, I was fortunate enough to connect with someone who had sought out his biological mother when he was about my age. It was wonderful to hear his story about how he went in search of his birth mother, and although she had passed away by the time he discovered her identity, he was still able to connect with others in her family. He described how strange it was to see her picture and see how much he looked like her. He admitted how he could not get enough of the photo albums, and I understood exactly how he felt. The connection he has been able to develop with his biological family is something that he cherishes, and yet something so many take for granted.
I grew up not looking like anyone around me, no one talked about my father, and there were no pictures anywhere that made me feel in anyway connected to others that might share some of my DNA. Sadly, I was told all the pictures burned in a fire. So when I finally found my dad, I cannot describe the joy I felt seeing that I actually looked just like someone else. Seeing my cousins and half-brother and being able to find similarities between us is just so cool, and I admit, I never grow tired of seeing their pictures, which are all over my house these days.
Unlike me, my son is growing up with both his parents in his life, even though we are in separate households. He knows exactly who he looks like, where he gets certain traits, and hopefully as he gets older he will be able to take from the best of both our personalities. In addition, thanks to my discovery this year, he also now has two complete sets of grandparents, two uncles, and a ton of extended family that will hopefully help him feel more connected and loved in this world than I could ever have imagined possible. That is the best gift I could ever give him-- even though he may not realize it for many years to come.
After a divorce, most people lose connections and family ties are usually strained. Ironically, it is probably as a direct result of my divorce that I went in search of my biological father and now have 8 wonderful new people in my life. The point I want to make in sharing my story is this: we are the masters of our own destiny, and divorce does not have to destroy families. Furthermore, in a society where over 41% of our children are being born out of wedlock, it is critical that we broaden our minds and open our hearts to include as many family figures as possible in our children's lives.
Whether a child was adopted, created through artificial reproductive technology, or the product of some fling on board the Love Boat, it is human nature that s/he will want to meet his/her makers. Let's not lie to our children-- and above all I don't believe we should kill someone off or sever an entire family line needlessly. We may have to put aside some of our own pain, sorrow or dissappoint in order to foster connections for our children, but it is a small price to pay to have well-adjusted, balanced individuals with a healthy perspective on family.
I grew up not looking like anyone around me, no one talked about my father, and there were no pictures anywhere that made me feel in anyway connected to others that might share some of my DNA. Sadly, I was told all the pictures burned in a fire. So when I finally found my dad, I cannot describe the joy I felt seeing that I actually looked just like someone else. Seeing my cousins and half-brother and being able to find similarities between us is just so cool, and I admit, I never grow tired of seeing their pictures, which are all over my house these days.
Unlike me, my son is growing up with both his parents in his life, even though we are in separate households. He knows exactly who he looks like, where he gets certain traits, and hopefully as he gets older he will be able to take from the best of both our personalities. In addition, thanks to my discovery this year, he also now has two complete sets of grandparents, two uncles, and a ton of extended family that will hopefully help him feel more connected and loved in this world than I could ever have imagined possible. That is the best gift I could ever give him-- even though he may not realize it for many years to come.
After a divorce, most people lose connections and family ties are usually strained. Ironically, it is probably as a direct result of my divorce that I went in search of my biological father and now have 8 wonderful new people in my life. The point I want to make in sharing my story is this: we are the masters of our own destiny, and divorce does not have to destroy families. Furthermore, in a society where over 41% of our children are being born out of wedlock, it is critical that we broaden our minds and open our hearts to include as many family figures as possible in our children's lives.
Whether a child was adopted, created through artificial reproductive technology, or the product of some fling on board the Love Boat, it is human nature that s/he will want to meet his/her makers. Let's not lie to our children-- and above all I don't believe we should kill someone off or sever an entire family line needlessly. We may have to put aside some of our own pain, sorrow or dissappoint in order to foster connections for our children, but it is a small price to pay to have well-adjusted, balanced individuals with a healthy perspective on family.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Being Able to Laugh and Commiserate is Therapeutic
Throughout the years, I have heard from others that they have really benefited from going to AA meetings, group therapy, or workshops for different reasons. I had never experienced anything like this really-- until today. I went to a parenting class taught by a psychologist, who provided tips for more effective ways we can get our children to listen to us. One of the interesting theories she proposed was that part of the problem so many of us are finding it so challenging these days to parent our kids is that the way we were raised, primarily under an authoritarian model, no longer works. Being incredibly permissive does not work either, and vacilating between the two styles is just too confusing and ineffective. Her suggestion was to adopt a more democratic style of parenting, where the children are given limited choices appropriate with their ages, and that this way they feel empowered and respected while being guided in the right direction.
There are obviously many books out there about parenting and articles that we can all easily access, but the beauty of this class setting was that when people started to ask questions and share their stories, we all started to nod and laugh in a way that made us all connect, even if just for that one hour. In that room full of parents that want to improve their skills, we all understood each others pain and frustration. I have no doubt that everyone in that room who voluntarily made time to attend this lecture loves their kids, and yet our greatest sources of joy are also are biggest challenges. Knowing that there are so many others going through the same thing, and hearing people's success stories of how they were able to surpass certain hurdles, can provide great comfort and hope.
Parent Encouragement Programs in Montgomery County are quite affordable and incredibly useful to parents of children in all age brackets. I am sure there are similar programs in other areas, and I truly encourage parents to seek these out if they find themselves in need of a little guidance-- not to mention some good laughs!
There are obviously many books out there about parenting and articles that we can all easily access, but the beauty of this class setting was that when people started to ask questions and share their stories, we all started to nod and laugh in a way that made us all connect, even if just for that one hour. In that room full of parents that want to improve their skills, we all understood each others pain and frustration. I have no doubt that everyone in that room who voluntarily made time to attend this lecture loves their kids, and yet our greatest sources of joy are also are biggest challenges. Knowing that there are so many others going through the same thing, and hearing people's success stories of how they were able to surpass certain hurdles, can provide great comfort and hope.
Parent Encouragement Programs in Montgomery County are quite affordable and incredibly useful to parents of children in all age brackets. I am sure there are similar programs in other areas, and I truly encourage parents to seek these out if they find themselves in need of a little guidance-- not to mention some good laughs!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
What Do You Do WIth A Used Wedding Dress?
I have to admit, I still have my wedding dress. Six years post-divorce, and I have somehow not managed to get rid of this thing! The dress is now so old that the charity Brides Against Cancer will not take it-- they only re-sell dresses that are from 2005 or later. Donating a dress made of Italian lace with silk that cost over $1000 requires some careful consideration, and although I thought about holding on to it for my family's sake, what are the chances that anyone will want to wear a dress from a wedding that ended in a divorce?
So today I was reading about a book that is coming out soon-- 101 Things To Do With My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress. This guy has a blog, and it has some pretty hilarious pictures of what he did with the dress after his wife moved out! Let's just say, the dress is no longer in any condition to be donated anywhere-- except maybe as filling for a punching bag. What struck me was his ability to find humor in what must have once been a very painful situation. It is really a healthy sign when we can laugh at some of the crap that hits us in life, and his ability to laugh and find love again is truly inspiring.
Thanks to this random find today I learned of a new charity that takes wedding dresses and has them re-sown into burial dresses for children that are still born or die in the NICU. Families going through this grieving process can barely deal with basic decisions, let alone find time and funds to purchase proper dresses for their little ones funerals. I finding it to be quite a worthy cause, and also amazingly proper that the dress should be buried. Divorce is like a death in one's life, and finally I found a way to properly commemorate this tragic loss while helping another family. For those interested, the charity's site is www.MaryMadelineproject.com
So today I was reading about a book that is coming out soon-- 101 Things To Do With My Ex-Wife's Wedding Dress. This guy has a blog, and it has some pretty hilarious pictures of what he did with the dress after his wife moved out! Let's just say, the dress is no longer in any condition to be donated anywhere-- except maybe as filling for a punching bag. What struck me was his ability to find humor in what must have once been a very painful situation. It is really a healthy sign when we can laugh at some of the crap that hits us in life, and his ability to laugh and find love again is truly inspiring.
Thanks to this random find today I learned of a new charity that takes wedding dresses and has them re-sown into burial dresses for children that are still born or die in the NICU. Families going through this grieving process can barely deal with basic decisions, let alone find time and funds to purchase proper dresses for their little ones funerals. I finding it to be quite a worthy cause, and also amazingly proper that the dress should be buried. Divorce is like a death in one's life, and finally I found a way to properly commemorate this tragic loss while helping another family. For those interested, the charity's site is www.MaryMadelineproject.com
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