It's a Good Thing If You Don't Suffer Fools Well in Dating

This week, I get to interview Amy Schoen, author of "Get It Right This Time." She is a dating coach in the DC Area, who helps people navigate the various phases of dating. Both of us spent time after our first divorces analyzing the things that went wrong, and a lot of her tips focus on the need for an individual to really be self-aware. To get it right in dating, I truly agree with her that you have to understand what you really need, and what you can live without. There will always be trade-offs, but you have to know your non-negotiables from the start in order to protect your heart. The last thing you want to do is get super deep into a relationship only to realize that this one issue that you shelved is in fact an insurmountable one. Being honest with yourself and others does not always come easy-- but I have certainly found that the more you don't suffer fools well, the more apt you are to cut to the chase. Maybe it is because I was trained as a lawyer to view time as an expensive commodity, but I really don't like misleading people, and I get really irritated fast if it seems someone is wasting my time. That attitude has definitely bled over into my personal life. Perhaps if more people could embrace this approach, they'd find their dating lives more productive and enjoyable. We should all be looking for a good return on our investment, and it starts with doing some homework to gain insight into ourselves. Once you do that, you too will find that you don't suffer fools well.

Renewable Marriage Contracts?

There has been a lot of talk for some time now about the continued viability of the notion that we are entering into marriage "until death due us part" knowing full well that there's about a 50% it may not in fact last. The idea of renewable contracts with a built-in review term, however, is not the solution to this problem. In my opinion, what we need to address as a society is the notion that marriage is indeed a partnership, and in some ways we need to apply business philosophies to this union in order to ensure its sustainability. I am not alone in this thinking, and in fact the late Dr. Stephen Covey wrote a book "Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families." In that book, he applies corporate techniques to build a better family structure. Think about it-- successful companies tend to have 5 year plans, 10 year plans, and they do annual retreats. They review budgets regularly and make sure that they are sticking to their missions and accomplishing their goals. Employees are routinely sent to trainings to update their skills, and periodic reviews are conducted to ensure everyone is happy and sticking on task. Why should families be any different? Perhaps people have forgotten that Hollywood movies were originally made to help people forget about the harsh realities of war. Movies often provide an escape from reality, and they help inspire us, but real life is full of challenges and having the right ally by your side is key. Maintaining a home, raising kids, dealing with finances and health issues are all part of normal life, and you shouldn't take for granted the importance of having a partner to help you deal with these issues. It is way too easy these days for couples to grow apart and lead separate lives. Too many people get caught up on external pressures, and they ignore their marriages until it is too late-- and the reason I know this is because half the time I am dealing with someone in complete shock. Over half the people I meet have no clue that there was a problem in the marriage. This is why I strongly encourage people to check-in with each other regularly. You need to have date nights and plan fun outings, even long after those wedding bells have stopped ringing. One of my friends said, "love is like a plant. If you don't water it and give it sunlight, it will die." Another person once told me that marriage is like a garden-- you have to keep weeding if you want it to stay beautiful. Their points are all well taken-- the key to having a more realistic expectation on marriage is NOT to give up on the notion of it lasting forever, but rather to embrace the reality that it takes hard work to successfully make a partnership last.

Bridging Two Worlds

As internet dating has taken off and our society has become more fluid, there is now more than ever an increased probability that you might pair up with someone that is not part of your world. Now more than ever, the ability to compromise is going to be key. For example, everyone knows I'm a city girl. Born and raised in New York, until I went away to boarding school. I've always been addicted to stimulus. I moved to DC for college because it reminded me of Paris, where I spent part of my senior year in high school as part of a student exchange. Short trips outside the city I can deal with, but I've always joked with my friends about needing a passport and an epi-pen the further away I get from city life. So, I am very cognizant of my limitations and where I won't be able to bridge the gap.

The more different you are from your potential partner, the more you need to question whether it is likely that you can create a bridge between two different worlds.  Remember, for some, change is very scary, and so I think after the first few months of fun are over, you need to consider whether you can envision making some changes in your life to be with that other person. Can you see yourself actually working together to build a bridge that connects the gaps in your lives? If you can't, it is not a reflection of how little you care about the other, it is simply an indication that you are stepping way beyond your comfort zone.

The older we get, the more cemented we get in our ways, and although I've been trying to chisel away at some of that cement lately, I accept that for many who were not exposed to a million different view points, moves, and changes early on in life, their capacity for flexibility is now much more limited. Bridging two worlds is really hard work, especially in our later years, and requires having an open mind and heart. Know your limitations and be honest, that's the best advice I can give to those in today's dating world.

Love, The Second Time Around

The first time I got married, I was in my 20's, still in law school, no kids, and not much baggage. When we got engaged in 1996, we were in Key Biscayne watching the sunset, and just at the moment that he asked me to marry him, a mosquito landed on his cheek. I was so focused on the mosquito that I actually missed the question and wound up slapping him. That is just one of many hilarious moments we shared throughout our 12 years together, and I truly think that it is because I can remember our good times so fondly that we are on such good terms today, despite having been divorced for over 7 years now. 

In my post-divorce years, I've admittedly focused a tremendous amount on work and my son.   But, I've also tried to work through a lot of the emotional baggage and self doubt that resulted from my failed marriage.  In the process of facing my past, I could not ignore the one glaring unresolved issue of having an absentee father.  It is only in finding him, and my family, that I could finally be in a position to possible finding love again, the second time around.

My father's best gift to me, whether he realizes it or not, has been to restore my faith in love. My family has shown me the power of forgiveness-- in our case, it has completely transformed our lives, and through their acceptance, I've found redemption. They restored my capacity to love and laugh at life's many twists and turns, and with them by my side, I see many bright days ahead-- and perhaps a second chance at falling in love one day. 

Goodbye 30's, Hello 40!

As my countdown begins with only a few days left before my 40th birthday, I cannot help but look back at the past decade in awe at how much changed in my life during the last ten years. Among the many things I learned, here are some of the most important ones:

(1) Don't make work your entire focus in life. I did for many years, but law firm life is not all that I imagined it would be at my level-- each attorney needs to be prepared to understand the business of law, marketing, and find a way to make it rain. Rarely do firms care about the individual human being, they are mostly focused on the bottom line. Competition is tougher than ever, and the pressures are immense. It is no doubt a survival of the fittest mentality out there in the shark tank. Harsh realities, but true, and I now understand why over 40% will leave private practice. So here is my bottom line- take care of yourself. Do not pour your heart and soul into one single endeavor. Enjoy other aspects of life, which will yield you a far greater return on your investment of time.

(2) Becoming a parent can completely transform someone. I finally learned through my son about unconditional love. The gift of parenthood has taught me more than any other experience in life. Taking on the task of being someone's protector and teacher is an amazing responsibility, but when you see your efforts payoff it is the greatest reward you will ever have in life.

(3) Don't lose sight of what really matters. There are many fun things to entertain us out there-- and I definitely enjoyed many wonderful trips, shows, restaurants, etc. But at the end of the day, I don't think anyone that truly cares about me cares about the car I drive, the clothes I wear, or where I live. These material things do not define me-- not at all. Furthermore, it is impossible to please everyone, so just make sure you are happy with your own choices. That has truly been the most liberating ephiphany ever.

(4) Things will not always work according to my plans, but sometimes you have to let your plans go to live the life you are destined to have. I never wanted to be a divorced, single mother, but I have learned so much as a result and found an inner strength I never would have otherwise discovered. I also was not planning to become a blogger or social media star, yet somehow I fell into this specialty, and as a result now have my own tv show and frequently get to comment on radio and other media sources. The ability to share ideas and influence others is an incredible honor that I never anticipated having at this stage of the game. Finally, I never intended to reunite with my father and his entire side of my family, but miraculously it has happened, and the joy of being with them is beyond anything I can describe.

(5) Friends will come and go. Some will just enter your life for a season; some will cross paths with you for a specific reasons, but very, very few will ever be life long friends. Those that can't deal with disappointment or have unrealistic expectations will fade out fast-- don't take it personally. We have such limited time, and we all have to focus on our priorities. In our 30's and 40's most of us are focused on our careers and kids, which consume an incredible amount of time, leaving little room for much else. We need to be secure in our relationships, even if we may not see our loved ones often-- and this further emphasizes why I believe you need to marry your best friend. If you are going to live and die with one person by your side, make sure you have chosen that person wisely.

Ultimately, the things I did not get to do in my 20's, I more than made up for in my 30's. It has been quite a ride, and I want to thank everyone that played a part in it-- particularly those who stuck around through BOTH the highs and lows. Not sure what the next decade will bring, but at least the blinders are off, and I'm going in with a clearer and more open mind, together with a heart with an expanded capacity to forgive and love.

$7.4 Million on Legal Fees- for a Divorce????

According to DMagazine, a Texas couple spent almost $7.4 million in legal fees as part of their divorce. Ed Bailey, who was married for over 30 years, acquired various McDonald restaurants throughout the marriage. After he sold his 63 restaurants, the couple's estate was worth about $100 million. The case was about to be heard by a jury, when through some legal manuvering a mistrial was declared. Bottom line is that after spending $7.4 Mn the couple still wasn't divorced! So, they switched gears, and hired all new attorneys-- this time to work things out in a Collaborative Divorce process. They reached a deal outside of court-- and for just about $80,000 total they finally got their divorce with the assets being split pretty evenly.

No surprise, Ed Bailey now wants some of that $7.4 Million back, and he has sued his former attorney, alleging a conspiracy between the first set of divorce attorneys. I guess we'll see how that all plays out in court, but the point I want to make here is that this is a prime example of how people can get carried away in a divorce battle and lose track of the legal fees. Litigation, which is a very costly process, is fueled by anger, and we all know that emotional people do not make the best business decisions. This is exactly why the Collaborative Process encourages people to use divorce coaches that will help them rein in their emotions, and good Collaborative professionals go out of their way to preserve their client's financial assets. Perhaps the Baileys could spend $7.4Mn before realizing they let things get too out of control, but most of us don't have that kind of money to burn, and in this economy I hope more lawyers will learn to work within their client's budget and set realistic expectations. Ultimately, however, this is a client-driven issue, and it requires consumers to be savier about the choices they make-- if you hire a shark, there is a price tag associated with that, and there will be lots of blood. I prefer being a dolphin these days, and thankfully I think more and more people are starting to appreciate my point of view.

How Does a BIA, PC and/or CPA Help Families in Court?

In most jurisdictions, the standard for determining custody is what is in the child's best interest? When parents cannot agree on this basic question, the court will often defer to experts. There are mental health professionals that can conduct custody evaluations. After meeting with the children, their parents, and other key figures in the children's life, the custody evaluator will make a recommendation as to the best custodial arrangement for the kids. These recommendations are not binding, although they carry substantial weight, and then each side still gets to present his/her case.  Here are some other players in the courtroom:

BIA= best interest attorney
PC= Parent Coordinator
CPA= Child Privilege Attorney

A "BIA," is an attorney, who is usually appointed by the court to represent the kids, and presumably give them a voice in the court proceedings. When therapists are involved, a Child Privilege Attorney ("CPA") may be assigned to the kids in order to determine if their patient-therapist privilege should be waived. Obviously, when we are talking about BIAs and CPAs, we are discussing the most contentious, high-conflict cases out there. High conflict cases make up about 20% of the court's docket, but they are the most time-consuming and the ones most likely to wind up going to trial, where normally there is only a 5% chance of a trial. Afterwards, these families are usually encouraged to work out future issues with a Parent Coordinator ("PC"). A PC may be an attorney or mental health professional. They essentially act as arbitrators that can break an impasse when parents cannot agree on an issue, thereby sparing the family the need to return to court. Because of the complicated nature of these roles, only experienced professionals are assigned these cases, and thankfully we all know each other and can assist families in these situations.