Learning to Give Out Compliments

In my former life as a dancer and gymnast, my coaches constantly critiqued me, and I knew that this was their way of helping me become a better athlete. No one is ever perfect, and so I quickly became accustomed to constructive criticism, and I learned to hold out for that ever so rare moment of praise. That one phrase, "nicely done" is like gold to me-- even now. Unfortunately, those of us that think of praise as gold tend to rarely handed it out. Some people hand it out like candy, and to me that just makes it meaningless. But perhaps there is a happy medium we can all shoot for-- especially with those that we love. I don't do cartwheels (even though I literally still can) over minor things, but I have learned over time the importance of positive praise. I originally went to numerous executive trainings about this concept to promote a better work environment; then I had to transfer this skill to my home life in order to attempt to raise a well-adjusted child. Along the way, I started applying this technique more and more to friends and significant others, and honestly in addition to seeing how happy it makes others, I have to admit over the last few years it personally has brought me great joy to acknowledge the effort people around me are making-- especially in today's crazy, unpredictable world. In a life where there are very few guarantees anymore- except for death and taxes, the fact that people go out every day and find the courage to love, look for meaning in their lives, and face constant threats to their physical, emotional or financial well-being, is not a small feat. To face all these fears without crumbling is what keeps us as a human race moving forward, and every day I am blessed with meeting courageous people willing to share a piece of themselves with me. In the spirit of handing out more compliments, today I just want to applaud all my friends out there-- and especially those who are now mothers and struggling with work-life balance, on Mother's Day weekend, my heart goes out to you all, because you rock!

Keep an Open Mind- Things Will Change Over Time

It's funny how some things that may have seemed so important years ago, no longer matter now. Before, when I was still open to the idea of having more kids, it mattered whether a potential partner shared this desire, and as a result, it was also important to me whether we had similar religious views. As the years have gone by, my views on these subjects have drastically changed, and now it matters far less whether someone else shares my religious or political views; meanwhile, if I were to meet someone who wants to have kids of his own, that has become an instant dealbreaker for me.

As the notion of finding a partner to share time with me has taken more of a priority, it matters less whether we are part of the same world. I have come to accept that my ultimate partner may not share the same interests, friends, or musical tastes, and instead I care more about whether I just enjoy his company when we are together. I think that the notion of merging two lives and having one perfectly blended family situation is unrealistic for a lot of people contemplating a new relationship later in life.

Some of the expectations people have for their partners as step-parents is just out of this world, in my humble opinion. I have heard people say that they want their new partner to love their step children as if they were his/her own. How is that possible? I only have one son that I created by choice-- he shares my DNA, and I would die for that child because he is my own flesh and blood. I will never feel that for anyone else, it truly is that simple. I also would never expect anyone to help financially with his care, and I would not imagine that anyone should expect that from me. Now FAFSA might require step parents to disclose their financial information when taking into account a child's application for financial aid, but thanks to clearly worded prenups, we can make it very clear that they should not.

We all have different criteria for what we need from our partners, and I don't think anyone else can really judge the things we choose to make priorities. Ultimately, I just want to throw out there that dating later in life will be much harder already because we all come into these new relationships with baggage. To maximize your chances of finding someone with compatible baggage, it helps to have an open mind and realize that over time some of those "must haves" might morph into "would be nice" or "a bonus, but not necessary."

When you get older, it is less about creating a life together, and more just about just enjoying life together. Once you have established your career and know who you are, you have your own kids and don't want more, it is actually quite liberating-- you are not looking for somebody to complete you, you are just looking for someone to love you. Having an open mind will maximize your chances of finding that person that much sooner.

Don't Lose Track of the Return on Your Investment

Today online, there was a discussion among lawyers about how you define success, and after listening into a webinar about tracking your time to determine the return on your investment, I could not resist posting my opinion, which is this: we each need to define success for ourselves, but try not to lose sight of the fact that the best return on your investment of time is those personal relationships you make in life-- that is your legacy in the end, not how much money you made for your company. In the last eight years, I have to make some very difficult decisions with significant financial consequences. For over 6 years, I have run my own firm so that I can have more of a work-life balance; last year, I made huge sacrifices in time and my personal spending in order to pursue my family reunification; this year, I have made it a priority to develop a meaningful relationship with a significant other, and with all of these choices came great personal rewards that could never be measured from a financial perspective. The time you spend with your family, volunteering for causes you believe in, and even on yourself-- just going to the gym, spa, or pursuing an individual interest is a key piece to maintaining inner peace and being happy. Don't let external demands overwhelm you to a point that you lose sight of what matters most in life. To most companies, you are only as good as yesterday's sale-- to your loved ones, you will always be a rockstar-- just don't take them for granted. :)

Love and Modern Technology

Tomorrow I get to talk about how modern technology is being used in divorce cases-- GPS tracking devices, spyware, and all other sorts of ridiculous things are being used to uncover a spouse's infidelity these days-- and NOT all of that stuff is legal. So guess what-- someone can spend hundreds of dollars on all this crap, and it may never be used in a courtroom if information was illegally obtained.

Post-divorce, people will spend thousands more on technology-- signing up for dating sites or going through extreme "divorce makeovers" getting facelifts, tummy tucks, liposuction, breast implants, etc. all in order to re-enter the dating scene while feeling and looking their best. While I totally support someone's desire to embrace all that modern medicine and the internet can offer us to help find a new love, I do wonder if it precisely this obsession with modern technology that is driving couples apart in the first place?

As a GenXer that loves to blog, tweet, text, use Facebook and LinkedIn on almost a daily basis to stay connected with so many, it may surprise you guys to hear that it is old school ways of showing affection that actually make me melt. Emails sometimes wind up in spam; texts can get sent to the wrong numbers; FB posts or likes may get missed, and if you think I'm not serious, I promise you that I have experienced all of these major technological gliches in the past few months. So how is it that a relationship can survive all these disasters in a concentrated period of time? Simple-- never forget the old fashioned way of showing someone that you care for them-  pick up the phone, go to the store and actually mail a card, and even consider personally delivering a plant.

We can all text, tweet, email and send messages from the comfort of our own home or office-- but I urge you every now and then to unplug from the matrix, and just consider going that extra mile. Maybe if more people did these simple, non-techie gestures more often, we'd have a lot less need for GPS devices, spyware, etc. Nothing beats the human touch to make someone truly feel loved and special.

Sex, Lies and Videotapes- All Part of a Regular Day

Every day at work I hear all sorts of stories about people's dysfunctional marriages, including all the lies, sex scandals, and drug or alcohol abuse, which are among the leading factors contributing to the demise of a marriage. This week, someone asked me what I thought was the number one reason for so many divorces, and his guess was either disagreements over finances or adultery. He was shocked to hear that in my opinion the top two contributors causing so many break ups are (1) unrealistic expectations and (2) poor coping skills for dealing with stress. Let's take unrealistic expectations first-- many people take their loved ones for granted. We all get tied up with work, our kids, other obligations, but you have to make your partner feel like a priority otherwise s/he will start to think that perhaps the grass is greener on the other side... And, here is a newsflash- in a world where most no longer believe in vows that say "til death do us part," thinking you can slack off once you take that walk down the aisle is a big mistake. It used to be that only celebrities in Hollywood or politicians on the Hill were surrounded by temptation. Thanks to modern technology, that is no longer the case. You can have random strangers contact your spouse through chatrooms, Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. Someone who may not even be looking to make contact with others, may nonetheless receive an unsolicited invitation. Generally speaking, those that are happy in their relatioships will not stray; it is those that start to fantasize of ways to escape their misery that will wind up taking the bait. With respect to coping skills, I am truly not passing any judgment-- these are incredibly stressful times. Very few people have guaranteed salaries anymore, and we have all seen once mighty companies collapse over night. Many have lost significant portions of their savings and home values, and of course, I see in a very real and raw way how the economy has hit everyone across the board, because divorce does not discriminate based on socio-economic class. Unfortunately, it is those that don't find healthy ways of releasing stress that wind up in my office, where I then have to reassure them that their sordid tales of sex, lies and videotapes are normal-- at least in my world. Thankfully, we have ways of keeping many details confidential and more importantly, encouraging people to get help-- because in my opinion, it is less important to focus on our past, perhaps maladaptive behaviors, and instead far more constructive and productive to focus on solutions and moving forward.

Tips for Families with Special Needs Children

Families with special needs children, which are on the rise across the country, have a substantially greater chance of divorcing-- over 80% in fact, and the risk actualy increases as their children get older. Here are some reasons why: (1) the expenses related to these children can be astronomical-- doctors, tutors, medicines, attorneys, therapists, not all of which may be covered by insurance add a lot of financial stress to the family's budget; (2) if a child has a behavioral disorder or disciplinary issues, this may cause friction between the parents; and (3) whereas a mainstream child tends to become more independant around age 7-8, the special needs child may actually need more assistance at this time. The emotional and financial toll combined put these families at a huge risk of falling apart. I have been noticing this trend for over a decade in my cases, so I took this information as common knowledge, but apparently, not many are aware of these stats-- no surprise that the nerdy chick in me is the one keeping up on this stuff. It was really cool, however, to be able to share this information on national radio this week, to increase public awareness on a topic that is very dear and personal to me. But for those who did not get to hear the segment, I hope others will share this blog with anyone that has a special needs child. Parents need to be aware of the risks and hopefully guard against them. Get help-- involve the school counselors, teachers, doctors, etc. as soon as you think something is not quite right. Early intervention is the best chance of helping these kids and their families thrive. Special needs children may need to get an IEP, which is an individual education plan. There are attorneys that can help with this process, so that the school puts together a plan geared for that child's specific needs. These plans do not apply to universities, however, so you may need to involve another attorney and invoke the American with Disabilities Act to ensure that your child continues to have special accomodations in college/gradudate school. Special needs trust should also be considered to ensure that these children will have resources available to them upon the death of their parents, and back up guardians need to be identified in the event of an unforseen situation. In the beginning, without a clear path or understanding of the complex issues presented, families may feel overwhelmed, but the message I want to share today is that you cannot lose hope. Your children need you more than ever to keep it together, to form a plan, and get help from others as needed, to give these beautiful young minds a chance at meeting their full potential. There are so many resources out there-- don't be afraid to reach out!

Rethinking the Dating Game

For those of us that like games, the Dating Game can be a blast. Thanks to modern technology, even without the use of online dating sites, you are constantly connecting with people through social networks-- LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter, and for those blessed with a decent education, good looks, and an out-going personality, every where you go there are opportunities for new encounters.

If you have stamina and a liver of steel, you can be out almost every night of the week. Then with the use of a handy little smartphone, you can just check in whenever you want with a "hey" text-- perhaps even with multiple people all at once. While you are waiting for a date, you can scroll through your Facebook newsfeed and discretely keep in touch with others, who actually think you care because you hit "like" on a recent status update. It is all just so easy--- and sick.

Putting aside for this discussion all the concerns about STDs, stalkers and psychos out there, I really want to caution those gamers that get so caught up in the thrill of the adventure-- the chase, the hunt, the challenge-- whatever you want to call it, that you lose sight of the ultimate goal. Perhaps immediately post-divorce the goal is just to have fun, but normally the whole point of the game is to sort through the options out there until you find a quality person that you want to have as your life partner.

To find a life partner, sooner or later, you need to focus, and put the games aside. It is just not possible to truly get to know someone, build trust, and actually fall in love while you continue to surround yourself with temptation and keep your options open. More than once, I have seen it happen where someone misses a great opportunity because they were too caught up in the games. It is so easy to get sucked into all the craziness and lose sight of what the end game is all about. The fact is 2/3 of all women and 75% of men will remarry post-divorce, and usually most of these people rebuild their new lives within 2-5 years after the divorce is finalized.

If you find yourself now working well outside these norms, I beg you to ask yourself, have you veered off course? Are you so off track that you might not actually be appreciating a good thing when it comes along? There is so much of an adrenaline rush that comes from playing the game, and those highs can be great-- but don't let the game the best of you.