Looking at Life from a Child's Perspective

Today I got to weigh in on the radio about Brad Pitt's recent engagement to Angelina Jolie. Time always runs short, and there is so much that we did not get to cover, but what I found most interesting about their desire to marry was that they realized this is something that really mattered to their children. Until now, they are part of the 40% or more of children in the U.S. whose parents are NOT married. While we as adults may not think this matters so much, clearly it can and does have an impact on our children.

What does marriage really mean? With divorce rates so high these days, and so many states denying this right to gay couples, many adults minimalize the importance of a piece of paper that certifies you are now officially recognized as a committed couple. But the fact is, it does mean something to be married-- to say that of all the people in the world, this is the person you have chosen as your partner, and that you want to stay with until death do you part. Now, it may not work out that way, but expressing publicly that profound depth of your love is an amazing statement that about 80% of Americans will chose to make at one point in their lives.

Love may not be everlasting, but when we produce children from our unions, we take on an obligation to not just provide them with their basic necessities, but also life skills that they will carry with them even once we are gone. So when we divorce, it is our duty as parents to minimize the pain for our kids, and to continue to provide them with hope. Those of us who are lucky enough to find love again post-divorce, have an additional duty to teach our kids that relationships are hard work, but they also provide the most rewarding experiences in our lives. To be able to show a child that life doesn't always work out according to our plans, but that we move forward despite setbacks and never lose hope in love, that to me is the best gift ever.

Learning Acceptance

This past weekend, I had the honor of attending an Andover/Abbot event at the Cosmos Club in DC. It was very interesting to hear the varying perspectives of women that graduated from the '50s through the present. One thing everyone agreed on was that the educational opportunities, coupled with the friendships formed during those formative years in boarding school, have served them well in life. The importance of pursuing excellence was also a common theme, which of course, has left me wondering how often this blessing may also be a curse...

When you grow up surrounded by over-achievers, all striving to be the best, that becomes all you know, and yet most people are NOT wired that way. When all you want is perfection, and no one teaches you that the majority are just hoping to get by making a decent living at work so they can enjoy their time off the clock, you wind up having a rude awakening when you leave the Ivy League towers and enter the real world. Life is full of imperfections, and those not taught to appreciate that early on, are going to have a hard time adjusting-- both professionally and personally.

The best life lessons are sometimes learned from our mistakes, and not our successes. In the last few years, when all has not turned out according to my plans, what I have managed to glean is that life is full of surprises, and sometimes we may not be able to appreciate right away why we are better off having some plans go awry. Both in my personal and professional life, it has become clear that accepting others the way they are without trying to change them and appreciating what they bring into my world has completely altered the way I view life-- all is not black and white, right or wrong, a success or failure. Enjoying the fluidity of the relationships in my life, things ebb and flow more gracefully. I accept that I was wrong in applying a rigid view of things, and I appreciate the beauty of the new prism by which I have been taught to enjoy those around me.

Separate the Movie-Version from Reality

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me my life should be made into a movie, I would be really rich right now. It is the classic story line: poor girl from a broken home proves she has potential both in athletics and academic life; she gets a scholarship that completely changes her life; amazing work and travel experiences follow, but nothing seems to fill this void that she feels until she finally goes on a very personal journey to find her father and extended family. Sounds like a perfect recipe for a G-rated Disney movie, and yet real life is so far from picture perfect.

In our minds, we all tend to have a movie we are working on, but the reality is that the other characters in our real life may not be reading from the same script. If you find yourself routinely disappointed by others, you need to separate out that movie version of things from what life is really like-- the only one you can control in life is yourself, not those around you. People don't have mind-reading abilities and may not know what it is that we want from them, so unless we clearly communicate our needs and expectations to those with the actual ability to help us fulfill these desires, we are bound to be disappointed by those around us. To have healthy and satisfying relationships in life, we need to be realistic and leave the movie-making task to those in Hollywood.

Getting Rid of Self Doubt Post-Divorce

A common problem among divorced people is that we are plagued by self doubt. If we could screw up so royally on something so important, how can we ever really trust our own judgment? I've been grappling with this for years, and in my very nerdy way, went on to research some of the best regarded books about relationships from those considered to be gurus in this field. I can now easily recite all their theories, but applying them, well that is a whole other story...

Identifying and conquering our deep-seeded fears are not easy. I thought once this happened, the doubts would all subside. Little did I realize that as a self-defense mechanism, I've been laying land mines all over the place- designed to detonate before anyone came close to my most sensative wounds. As the land mines started going off, I was forced to face my biggest challenge yet-- I still have not forgiven myself for all those perceived failures that I've been carrying around like stones that weigh me down.

Someone recently gave me the book "12 Steps of Forgiveness," and it suggests that sometimes these grudges we hold fall away like stones, one by one; other times, they can all come crashing down at once. I guess in this case, the path to forgiving myself has gone at a snail's pace over the last seven years since my marriage fell apart, but for the first time in ages, I feel like I am ready to let the past go.

To be at peace with yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. Remember that no one is perfect, and the best we can do is learn from our mistakes. Once we can accept ourselves for who we are, and forgive any past errors, I truly believe the self doubt will melt away. Rebuilding our own confidence in the judgments we make with respect to our partners is critical to moving forward and finding love once again.

Getting Second Opinions

Why is it that in the financial world and medical field second opinions are so common, and yet when it comes to legal issues people are so reluctant to have someone do an outside independant assessment of the situation until sometimes it is too late? Too often I see people hire a general practice attorney to work on their divorce matter, and then I am brought in almost at the end to try and fix things. I have no doubt that if these people were dealing with doctors or financial advisors and lost confidence in these professionals, they would have sought out another professional sooner, and I wish more people would do the same when it comes to their divorce matters.

Consults are so inexpensive-- and fast. They usually take an hour, with the client describing the situation in about 30 minutes; then the attorney explaining the law and options in the remaining 30 minutes. One-time consults can be used to review documents, like prenups or Separation Agreements, before they are signed. We can flag issues, offer suggestions and strategy, and often times prevent major mistakes from occuring-- like waivers of certain rights that may not be undone once a contract is finalized.

There is a lot of information available online these days, and I am all for people saving money and doing as much as possible for themselves, but often in my head I hear myself say "penny wise, pound foolish" when people come to see me to try and fix a mess that cannot be easily corrected. So, before you finalize any contracts, or if you find yourself losing confidence in the attorney you have hired, go ahead and get that second opinion. You probably will spend more on fuel in one month than it will cost to have the peace of mind from an expert on an issue that could impact the rest of your life.

Meeting the Parents

The first time I met someone's parents, I was 16 and super nervous. In boarding school, you could go months without meeting someone's parents, even though we might have been eating breakfast, lunch and dinner every day together at the dining hall for months. I know this is not normal, and it probably explains why I can go from 0 to 60 in record speed with relationships that intrigue me, but the point I am trying to make right now is that in the beginning it was weird to meet someone's parents.

In college, soon after I started dating my husband, I met his parents, and over the next twelve years, they did a great job of acclamating me into their world. Divorcing their son severed that connection, and it was not easy to adjust to that reality, but the fact remains I am eternally grateful for all that they taught me and their warmth throughout the years that I was part of their family.

At age 39, I never would have imagined I would have to go through the silly exercise of meeting someone else's parents, or introducing that man to my family. What makes it even stranger of course is the fact that I just found my father and his side of my family, so this was the first time ever that daddy's little girl was bringing anyone home for approval.

The beautiful thing about meeting parents later in life I suppose is that we are confident in oursevles and what we have accomplished thus far. We also have to recognize that our parent's approval no longer carries the same weight that it once did earlier in our lives. As we mature and understand ourselves better, including what we need and cannot tolerate, it really only helps make things easier if our parents like the one we are with, but it should not make or break a relationship.

Luckily for me, in an on-going series of good fortune, my family did enjoy the person I have been spending a significant amount of time with lately, and I enjoyed meeting his parents. The fact that everyone can roll with the idea that I'm a divorce lawyer by day, who blogs about love at night is really quite amazing. More importantly, that they can accept that I'm quite public, while they are all so private is a true testament to their trust and love.

In the end, meeting the parents is not an insignificant step at any age, and it should be given proper weight and consideration that has to be held in balance with the significance of the existing relationship. Having low expectations will help curb disappointment, but even better advice is to go in prepared-- some of us give great weight to first impressions, rightly or wrongly. So dress nicely, be polite and think of it as an opportunity to learn more about your love. Your partner will love you just for trying your best-- it is not about the final outcome, here it is all about the effort. Go for the A in effort!

What to Even Say?

A year ago, I flew to Miami to take a DNA test and meet my extended family. Flying down by myself was really hard, and it was even harder to keep it together while knocking on a stranger's door not knowing what to expect when I walked through that doorway. One of my friends described it best when he said, "you went down that rabbit hole all by yourself not knowing what to expect." It was a lot like Alice in Wonderland last year-- a journey into bizarro world with no one around to ground me, and that is how I learned the true meaning of true inner strength.

Looking back, I have no regrets and could not be happier with how things have turned out. I still have my brother's first email, entitled "what to even say?" It is so hard to believe it has only been a year since he has been in my life-- he is the most amazing and beautiful man I have ever allowed into my world, and now it just seems like he's been a part of it for far, far longer than just a year.

So here I am, one year later, heading back to visit my family-- and this time, I am not making the journey all alone. I never would have predicted this part of the story, but indeed somewhere along the way I lucked out over the past few months and found someone I might actually want to introduce to the Miami clan. In some ways, it is so weird-- it is like I am 15 years old and bringing home my first date for dad's approval. On the other hand, it really isn't nerve racking because the worst has already happened. Having already weathered 38 years without my dad; 27 years without my brother; and the last 7 years recovering from a very heart-breaking divorce, all I can say now is that in life, we have to make the best of the cards we are dealt and never lose hope that the best is yet to come.