Flexible
thinkers have a demonstrated ability to see problems from various points of
view, and they don't see conflict as a failure, but rather a challenge that
requires some creativity in order to find a solution. If you are a flexible thinker, you don't see
things as black or white. It's not your
way or the highway. You are open to
possibilities. You listen with genuine
interest. You collaborate well with
others and enjoy brainstorming. You
share ideas readily, and appreciate feedback.
You draw others into your world with diverse backgrounds and expertise. And as you pull all of these things together,
you see magic happen. Truly, if you have
experienced this you know what I mean.
In
mediation, one neutral professional meets with both parties to guide them
through the process of identifying the issues that need to be addressed and
analyzing various options for an amicable resolution. This only works well if both parties are
comfortable advocating for themselves, there is no history of domestic violence
and there are not any major power imbalances.
Within
the Collaborative Divorce process, each party has his/her own attorney that will
guide the 4-way meetings, where the
attorneys work together as a team while assisting their clients to articulate
their goals and concerns, discuss the issues that need to be addressed, and
develop options for a global solution that promote the best interest of the entire
family. If the parties agree to involve
additional professionals, such as a divorce coach, child specialist or
financial neutral, they will jointly select experts trained in this process.
When
couples opt for mediation or a Collaborative Divorce, the driving factor may
not actually be a desire to avoid litigation in order to preserve
goodwill. Often times, these couples are
still stinging from the raw feelings of immense failure and defeat, but they
are not so blinded by their emotions that they fail to recognize the great
benefits of 1) spending less in legal fees and/or 2) avoiding the disclosure of
embarrassing details in an open courtroom. Ultimately, the reasons a couple may choose an
Alternate Dispute Resolution process can vary greatly, but as long as everyone
is committed to cooperating with the exchange of relevant information to
address the important legal issues and openly discussing options for reaching an
agreement outside of court, the main challenge will be for the professionals
assisting them to help them get past their positions and teach them to
articulate their needs, wants and concerns in an honest and respectful manner as
everyone brainstorms various options (without passing judgment) until they
reach a final solution that works for everyone.
Here
are some basic ground rules in any ADR process:
1.
Take turns speaking-- listen with empathy and express yourself respectfully;
2.
Stick to "I" statements, don't speak for the other person;
3.
Don't pass judgment or try to place blame;
4.
Try not to guess someone's motive, instead just ask "why?
5.
Focus on the problems at hand, and not
the past.
The
beauty of mediation and/or the Collaborative Process is that the parties set
the pace for the meetings, and trained professionals are constantly checking in
with everyone to see if everyone is calm or if someone is upset and needs to
take a break. The professionals use
techniques to ensure no one is overwhelmed by the emotions, which can seriously
hinder meaningful discussions to address the legal issues.
It
is ironic that many of the techniques applied in ADR are also used by marriage
counselors in couples counseling. Just
imagine if more people would actually avail themselves of these services when
things first become difficult instead of waiting until it is too late? Unfortunately, many wait years to seek help,
by which point too much damage has been done to the marriage. But it is never too late to learn to apply
flexible thinking in order to be respectful and solution-focused, especially
for couples that will need to co-parent their children long after their divorce
is finalized.
Here
is a link to a short podcast explaining ADR - https://soundcloud.com/wealth-strategies-journal/love-and-money-with-regina-demao-s01e03-adr-in-family-law-wealthstrategiesjournalcom
Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.
www.reginademeo.com
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