My first identity crisis occured when I retired from the world of competitive gymnastics. From traveling all over and training with some of the best athletes in the world, it was a hard shift to become a "normal" person at 18. The partying lifestyle of college probably masked a lot of the internal loss I was trying to process, and by my senior year I managed to pull it together. I landed a job at a big firm in New York and moved in with my boyfriend, who later became my husband, and life kind of just moved on.
The next big identity crisis hit me when I became a mom at age 31. How was I going to manage the demands of being a downtown lawyer while playing a significant role in my child's life? I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, but soon realized that wasn't going to happen. So, I embraced my role as a mother and opened my own firm, taking on a tremendous risk that it may not all pan out. Fortunately, my career and son both thrived, but it was my marriage that fell threw the cracks.
At 32, I found myself as a self-employed, divorced, single mom-- that was definitely not what I had in mind for my life, and so here I was now facing identity crisis #3. I actually loved the role of being a wife, and the singles scene was very weird and foreign to me. Luckily, I was taken in my 2 camps that helped me through those years: 1) the 20% of our population that will never marry and 2) the 25--33% that marry only once. These guys were great company and kept me entertained, and for that I will always be grateful, but I always knew I was just a passerby in the single life scene.
So here I am at 40, about to remarry, merge two families & guess what? No more identity crisis moments. I've gotten back into entertainment through the various media formats, without the need to do cartwheels. Meanwhile, I have continued to maintain my law practice while playing a significant role in my child's life, and now I get to return to the cherished role of being a wife. Personally, I need all these roles to fill complete, and that is just me. However, I get that there is a significant group of about 45% that may never understand that about me.
Those that choose to stay single have a different way of living-- it's not better or worse, but it's just not going to be the same as those that choose to be married and want to do couples things together. Now I understand why those two camps don't interact much, and I can see just how great the divide is between those that merge and those that don't. Because I always maintained my friendships with married friends, and always planned to return to that life, it's very easy for me to say good-bye to a life I never fully adopted or wanted, but I just have to say I never would have survived the last seven years without that minority group, which not only made all those years bearable, but actually fun.
In the end, as far as having an identity crisis goes, I really just want to make sure everyone knows that it is a normal part of life. So many of my colleagues and clients have also gone through these moments, and we have all worked through them. It just takes time to adjust to a new role, and it is okay to be sad or scared at times-- just don't let yourself get stuck. Reach out to others-- the world is full of people that can and want to help others in a time of need. Remember, a crisis is just a passing episode, and if it doesn't kill you, it will only make you stronger.
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