There Are No Guarantees

Years ago, after my divorce, I dated a man that wanted to get married. Unfortunately, I did not see myself hitched to him, and the relationship soon ended after I made that clear. Our kids had become friends over time, and sadly it took my son a long time to get over the clean break we made after that break up. For the next four years, I kept my dating and mommy worlds totally separate. This year, however, as I have developed a significant relationship with someone I have finally softened on my rules, and after several months of dating I finally allowed my son to meet the man that has entered my life. Ever so slowly, we have integrated the kids in some of our activities, but even now I have not had a sleepover when my son is with me. These self-imposed limitations have not been easy, but I have done them in the interest of protecting my son from seeing a revolving door of individuals. I know all too well from the research published that kids that witness this wind up having major attachment issues, and if I can spare my son that anguish, it is my job to do so. At the same time, I do think when the time is appropriate divorced parents have to be able to show their kids that life does move on, and it is possible to find love again.

The other day, a teaching moment finally came when my son asked me, "mommy how do you know that things are going to work out with your friend?" Without hesitating, I answered quite honestly, "I don't know-- there are no guarantees in life. I did not marry your father and start a family thinking things would not work out. I never saw myself raising a child that lives in two separate homes. And yet, I don't regret getting married and giving it a shot. All you can do in life, is try your best." I don't know what the experts would say about that answer, but I certainly hope he remembers it later in life. 80% of us will give marriage a shot at least once. Thanks to my line of work, I see people every day deal with the loss of their married lives, pick themselves back up, and move on. Very few have ever given up on love completely-- and most will in fact remarry because despite the dissolution of that first partnership, there remains this respect and appreciation for how awesome life can be when you have a soulmate by your side. Of course the guarantee that it will last would be a nice bonus, but I've come to accept that these don't exist in any aspects of our lives-- not with work, health, finances or any relationship. Rather than avoid this reality, or hide it from my child, I would rather we work up the courage to face life's challenges. We will all suffer setbacks, especially in our personal relationships, but I refuse to quit on love-- because to me that is precisely the only thing that makes it all worthwhile.