Are You Ready To Let The Cat Out Of The Bag?

When your relationship falls apart, it is a very personal feeling of loss that only you can come to terms with in your own time.  If you are not ready to share the news, then don't unless of course, there are circumstances beyond your control that have accelerated the timeline for making your situation public.

If you have time on your side, slowly build up to the idea of telling a few trusted friends and/or family members.  The fact is you need their emotional support now more than ever, and keeping your grief to yourself is not helping anyone.  Your loved ones will want to be there for you-- the longer you hide your pain, the worse they will feel later on that they were not there for you during the worst of it all.

There is a lot you can do behind the scenes, very subtle things that most won't even notice.  For example, take down old sappy posts on Twitter and Facebook and delete those lovey dovey photos on Instagram or other social media.   Put away any of the daily reminders around the house of that person's existence.  Meanwhile, create your own space-- redecorate, even if just by making a few minor changes, and start a new routine that is all yours.  The point is to disengage from the past you had together, and to rebuild a life of your own.

The sooner you feel comfortable again in your own skin, the sooner you will be ready to start telling others what happened-- and when doing so avoid TMI!  Only share as much as you want, and only let people in on as much as is necessary.  You will be amazed at how understanding most people will be, and let yourself accept their kind gestures-- it is like a soothing balm for your soul, which will heal in time.

If you didn't do anything wrong, then you really have nothing to fear by letting the cat out of the bag. Once you do, you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from you, and hopefully others a bit more detached from the situation will help you gain insight into what went wrong and show you all the reasons you are in a better place today.

I know it is easier said than done, but take deep breaths and be grateful each day for what you have.  You need to find peace, and in order to do so you must learn to let go of the resentments you're holding onto.  The point is to move forward, so stop looking in the rearview mirror and harboring unnecessary secrets that are burdening you.  There's no need to protect someone that isn't in your life anymore.

Let the truth set you free.  

Do You Need To Take A Break?

Listen to your gut-- if you feel like you need a break, don't try to convince yourself otherwise.  Your partner may try to stop you, but don't let him/her scare you into sticking it out.  What is wrong with taking a break?  Nothing.  Unless you or your significant other are afraid that absence will not make the heart grow fonder... which just confirms you need that break.

When two people are in a good place, everything is so easy.  You get along well, so you are able to relax and laugh while enjoying each other's company during a wide range of activities from the daily mundane chores to spectacular romantic dates that will remain memorable for the rest of your life.  You feel secure and grounded, making it effortless to either stay present or look ahead to make plans for the future.  Together, you can feel the warmth in the room that envelopes you like a soft, cuddly blanket that is oh so comforting.  As you experience all this, you know without a doubt that this is love.

But when you find yourself losing that loving feeling, and you are at odds with your significant other, the opposite becomes true-- everything seems off, and you can no longer relax.  You wonder if you've lost your sense of humor, and it's hard to enjoy activities together no matter how incredible the date was intended to be.  You feel lost and vulnerable, and instead of staying present you look nostalgically at the past and avoid thinking too far into the future in order to avoid having a panic attack.  You can cut the tension in the room with a knife when s/he is in the room with you, and instead of warmth, when you do make eye contact there is a cold feeling that runs down your spine and gives you chills.  This then provokes your natural desire to either fight or flee, and that's when you will find the idea of taking a break to be a good quick fix, because deep down inside you may still be wondering "is it you, or is it me?"  The answer is probably both.

If you feel like you need a break, do it-- even if it is just for a long weekend, or go away for a whole week and if money is tight stay with friends or relatives.  Then, just pay attention to how your body reacts.  Are you more relaxed?  Has your appetite come back?  Are you able to breathe?  Can you sleep easily?   Is your mind calmer?  Do you find yourself more alert and focused?  All of these are good signs that you are not in fact ill, but rather you just needed to escape an unhealthy situation.  Now what you do with that information is up to you, but I will say that returning to the ways things were won't be an option.  Once you have found some peace, you will crave it more and more so either you will find a way to ameliorate the situation with your partner, or you will have to find a way to extricate yourself from the relationship.

Parting ways is never easy, but it can be done thoughtfully so as to minimize regrets.  Take your time to think things through-- especially the potential long term consequences of all your actions.  Acting out of emotion or impulse rarely works out well in these scenarios, which is why it is important to remove yourself from the situation to think things through with a clear head.  There is nothing wrong with a break, and nothing to fear except fear itself.

3 Key Indicators A Divorce Is Imminent

After 17 years as a divorce attorney, I can easily spot the patterns of behavior that indicate a divorce is imminent.  Here are the 3 most common ones:

1. Changes in Behavior- Either someone will join a gym and start working out more, or they now have to work late much more often than before, or maybe they have new friends that they have made on their own-- any of these become reasons they now avoid spending time at home.  Your spouse will also hide his/her phone and emails.  Privacy becomes increasingly important as they confide in others to prepare for the separation, and they don't want their emails or call history subject to scrutiny.

2. Separate Finances- If anyone wants to consult an attorney or start buying furniture for a new place, or they want to put a deposit on a new place or secure movers without letting their spouse know, they will pay these out of a separate bank or credit card account that the other spouse cannot access.  If you ask questions and get a response saying "it's none of your business" you should know something is up.

3. No More Fun Together- It becomes a chore to make plans with someone that irritates you, and as a result you don't plan things together.  It's hard to laugh or feel comfortable around someone that annoys you or worse has caused you harm either physically or emotionally.  You will lose interest in being intimate, and you will find that getting a gift becomes overwhelming.  When special occasions come up, you are really at a loss to want to celebrate, and as a result you don't.  Eventually the tension in the air becomes unbearable-- it's as if all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room.  

Experiencing any or all of these things is incredibly hard to stomach, but rather than ignore the problems or just hope that things will get better, it is important to try and confront the issues.  There is nothing wrong with point blank asking the person if they want a separation.  Better to be informed and know what's really going on so that you are not blind-sided-- then at least you have time to think things through carefully and formulate a plan.  

Knowledge is power, so go get empowered. 

By Regina A. DeMeo, Esq.